Unanswered [22] / Featured [1] / URGENT [0]   

    help      or   REGISTER NOW!

Essay Forum / Undergraduate Essays /       

I will return the favor for any helpful comments---Been stuck for a long time



silentspringThreads: 27
Posts: 117
Author: YingBin Mei
  [Suspended]  
Dec 30, 2011, 10:27am   #1
Elaborate on an activity.

On the first day of the Macaulay Summer Scholars Academy, I was ready, ready to learn the basics of Algebra II and so to advance to Pre-calculus in my junior year. However, the instructor taught no algebra II basics but advanced trigonometry and College Algebra. His mouthful of math jargon such as scalar, vector, delta, and theta rendered me clueless.

When I got home, I emailed my math teacher about my situation. He wrote back: "YingBin, you should stay in the program. It is always good to challenge yourself. Just learn as much as you can. Try to teach yourself the basics so you can understand the advance topics."

In the following week, after another arduous day, as the A Train arrived, I crammed into the train and dropped down in a seat. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the board. But, my determination to master the basics in the flickered in my mind. I rubbed the tightness on my temple and pulled out an Algebra II review book.

Is this strong? I really need help on this.
NervousByNatureThreads: 1
Posts: 7
Author: Jay Elle
   
Dec 30, 2011, 10:34am   #2
I think you should work on the ending a little because from a reader's perspective, I feel like you're being forced to do the review whereas in the beginning you seemed determined. You want to convey that you're even more eager by the end, so maybe work with that. Otherwise, I could see someone who likes challenges and has the desire to pursue a goal.
princy1122Threads: 2
Posts: 7
Author: Priscilla Varghese
   
Dec 30, 2011, 10:35am   #3
Is there a character or word restriction? It seems very short.

Also, I think the last paragraph should say something more about yourself. Talk about how you've changed or what you were thinking. That would def. make it stronger.
ZhoeKThreads: 5
Posts: 251
Author: Zhoe Kelly
   
Dec 30, 2011, 10:41am   #4
silentspring:
On the first day of the Macaulay Summer Scholars Academy, I was ready, ready excited/eager to learn the basics of Algebra II and so in order to advance to Pre-calculus in my junior year. However, the instructor taught no did not teach algebra II basics, but advanced trigonometry and College Algebra. His mouthful of math jargon such as scalar, vector, delta, and theta rendered left me clueless.

When I got home, I emailed my math teacher about my situation. He wrote back: "YingBin, you should stay in the program. It is always good to challenge yourself. Just learn as much as you can. Try to teach yourself the basics so you can understand the advance topics."

In the following week, after another arduous day, as the A Train arrived, I crammed into the train and dropped down in a seat. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the board. But, my determination to master the basics, in the flickered in my mind. I rubbed the tightness on my temple and pulled out an Algebra II review book.



Is this for the common application extracurricular activity essay?
My only comment is that the transitions are not too smooth and each paragraph seems to be about three different things, doesn't feel very connected. The concluding paragraph needs some work. Otherwise it can be a really good essay.

Hope this helps. If you don't mind could you take a look at my common app. extracurricular essay. Thanks!
silentspringThreads: 27
Posts: 117
Author: YingBin Mei
  [Suspended]  
Dec 30, 2011, 10:48am   #5
Yes. Common app activity
cmaher92Threads: 2
Posts: 12
Author: Connor Maher
   
Dec 30, 2011, 10:54am   #6
I don't like how you list out terms, but other then that it's a very decent piece of writing.
phhaiThreads: 7
Posts: 37
Author: Pham Hoang Hai
   
Dec 30, 2011, 10:59am   #7
It was well written , but I dont really think it does any significant impact .
I would say instead of telling a story like this, you may simply describe how you love the activities and what you learned from it.
The only way to improve your original story is to elaborate more on the end, but I'm afraid it would exceed the words limit then :D
silentspringThreads: 27
Posts: 117
Author: YingBin Mei
  [Suspended]  
Dec 30, 2011, 11:05am   #8
Revised:

On the first day of the Macaulay Summer Scholars Academy, I was excited to learn the basics of Algebra II to advance to Pre-calculus in my junior year. However, the instructor did not teach algebra II basics, but advanced Trigonometry and College Algebra. His mouthful of math jargon such as scalar, vector, delta, and theta left me clueless.

When I got home, I emailed my math teacher about my situation. He wrote back: "YingBin, you should stay in the program. Just learn as much as you can. Struggle will make you stronger!"

After reading my teacher's encouragement, I started watching introductory videos everyday until ten at night. On the train, I did practice problems on my Algebra II review book.

A month later and I was back to school. When I breezed through my first math test in half a period, I began to truly understand my teacher's words.
ZhoeKThreads: 5
Posts: 251
Author: Zhoe Kelly
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:08am   #9
YingBin

Well then since its for common app. you might want to summarize the second paragraph in a sentence and focus more on how your teacher's words of motivation affected you and then you can lead into the last paragraph about you studying the basics.

For example: On the first day of blahblah, I was excited to learn the riveting basics of blahblah, (you don't necessarily have to say to advance to junior year cause that might indicate a lack of interest- you only want to do it so you can move on) but the instructor focused on blahblah instead. With a mouthful of jargon I had never heard before, he had simultaneously rendered me clueless and disheartened me.

Frustrated I sought the advice of my teacher, who succinctly told me to stay in the program and challenge myself. He told me that I should learn the basics in order to understand the more advanced topics. After some consideration, I realized that my teacher was right.

The following weeks thereafter I applied myself to the task. On my way home I would take out my Algebra review book determined to conquer basic Algebra....


Then you can go on to say if you did in fact master it and what you got out of it.

Hope this helps!

EDIT: This was before I saw the revised version by the by.


Essay Forum / Undergraduate Essays / Unanswered [this forum] / Featured / Similar

Similar discussions:


Random: Phd topics in marketing or strategic management; Need your ideas

This thread has been closed.

Home - Search - About Us - Faq - EF Contributors - Contact Us

Copyright © 2006-2013 EssayForum.com  Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, TOS  EssayForum RSS