"How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals?

This is the beginning of an essay I am writing on the listed topic. I need someone to help me proofread it and give me some feedback/criticism

"How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals?" (300 words)

Essay
Throughout my life I have been given vast amounts of opportunities. I have been fortunate enough to learn under some of the best teachers at one of the most rigorous academic institutes in dc metropolitan area. However, on the eve my senior year of high school I have yet to fulfill the potential that has been predestined for me. I have consistently been "just good enough," living a life of mediocrity with brief glimpses of my ability. The path that I outlined for myself was becoming nothing more than a distant memory of what could have been. I now realize that these experiences have only contributed to the person that I am today. A young man, looking for an opportunity to change; an opportunity to prove myself in only the best and strictest of academic environments. I will be able to not only acquire a wealth of knowledge but learn the tools that will help me become a more productive and diligent student. I know that in most regards this maybe too little or too late and I fully understand the reluctance that may come from viewing my transcripts. However, I believe that in order for me to begin on this new path I need a chance. I need a chance to show your institution and myself, the kind of student that I can and will become throughout the rest of my academic career. I am fully capable of handling any obstacles that may arise in and outside of the classroom. I am not asking for any special consideration because of my faults. I am just a young mind enthusiastic to start afresh and learn in a new and challenging environment. I am ready to fulfill my potential.

This is my final draft for the essay if i could please get some feedback before i turn it in.
"How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals?" (300 words)
Essay
Throughout my life I have been given vast amounts of opportunities. I have been fortunate enough to learn under some of the best teachers at one of the most rigorous academic institutes in dc metropolitan area. However, on the eve my senior year of high school I have yet to fulfill the potential that has been predestined for me. I have consistently been "just good enough," living a life of mediocrity with brief glimpses of my ability. The path that I outlined for myself was becoming nothing more than a distant memory of what could have been. I now realize that these experiences have only contributed to the person that I am today.

Im a young man searching for an opportunity to change, an opportunity to prove myself amongst the best and brightest in one of the most paramount of academic environments. I will be able to (...) READ ABOVE

From this essay, you could be anybody. All that I know about you is that you're from DC and relatively privileged. Your grammar is fine, although you tend toward over-blown prose. But you need details, Nick, details. What are these "abilities" and "potentials" of which you speak? Sports? Arts? Science? What are your goals, exactly, and how, specifically, will the program help you to achieve them? I know you only have 300 words, but you can take out the flowery prose and vapid sentences to make room for the vivid specificity you need.

Is this really what you want the central idea of your essay to be?


Wow, this is . . . fairly negative. So, you admit you have horrible transcripts and that the university probably should not admit you. Why bother writing the essay at all then.


So? What does your need have to do with anything? What claim does it give you on the university? And what evidence does it provide that you will do anything more with a chance, if given one, than you did with all of the others you admit to having?

This would be a horrible essay even if it was meant to be written as an explanation of your poor academic performance in the past. As it is, it's also off-topic. you haven't said what your academic goals are, or how the program will help you accomplish them. I'd scrap this essay and try again.

What program are you applying for? (I am always shocked by the amount of people who come on this site without giving us the neccessary information that is needed to view their essays in the right context. How do you expect us to help you if we don't even know what you are using this essay for? Throw me a friggin' bone here!)

Your thesis should be the answer to this question:
"How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals?"

You need to demonstrate at least some understanding of what the program is and why it can be specifically benificial to you rather than to other people. Tell us what your goals are and how this program will help you get there.

If you have bad transcripts, don't apologize. This makes the essay sound pathetic as it reads as if you are pleading with the admissions people. What else have you done with your life? Perhaps you have hobbies? Or maybe you volunteer somewhere? Or maybe you have some unique job experience that makes you stand out? Focus on things like that and how they relate to this program you are applying for. Don't just list off random things you like to do; only talk about activities that relate back to the subject matter dealt with in this "anonymous program" and how such activities have prepared you to change your habits and excell.

I agree with Sean. This essay needs to be completely scraped and rebooted with a thesis that actually answers the prompt!

I think this is a good start, but you have to be specific of what program you are applying for. This shows that you value the program very much