This is my third version of this, and I wanted some feedback on structure and grammar. Also do you like it? lol
Prompt:
It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are? (5000 characters)
Essay:
Aloha Future Roommate,
When I was thirteen my whole family (which refers to my aunt and uncle, two cousins, parents, grandparents, and brother) went to Europe, one of the more memorable moments occurred in the Vatican. As we exited the St. Peter's Basilica we briefly stopped to watch a youth choir, apparently my stop was not that brief, because when I finally took my eyes away from the choir I noticed that my family was no longer next to me. At first I had just assumed that when I turned the corner I would see them waiting for me, but they weren't. My heart sunk instantly, but I decided that I would stay calm, because I was probably just over reacting. I went back to the area where I last saw them and tried to look "casual" because I didn't want people to look at me pathetically. I kept waiting for that moment when someone in my family would come up to me and say, "Colie! What are you doing? Come on," but no such luck. I finally decided to wander out, but there were so many people, and so many languages, that despite the crowd I felt so alone. I would go out and look for my family, but after a short time the image of my family going to the spot and not finding me flashed in my head and I would return. My wild imagination finally started thinking about how my family would leave without me, or I would miss the boat and be stuck in the Vatican forever, and I don't know what I would do there, it wasn't the kind of place a teenage girl would want to hang out for a while. I finally broke down and approached the guard to ask for help, but of course he couldn't understand me, and I could barely speak French after two years, let alone Italian! I just remember him looking at me with a puzzled face, and shaking his head. He didn't seem to concerned with helping me, and that's when it dawned from me, I was oceans and god knows how many miles away from home, in a new place with no one I knew in sight. My thirteen-year-old self, tried to hold the tears just balancing on the rim of her eyes from spilling over as I wrapped the shawl my grandma had given me before entering the church tightly. Finally a Spanish tour guide noticed my distress and the guard's confusion. She told her tour group that she would be a moment and came rushing to my side. I explained my situation to her, and she translated it to the guard. She put her arms around me and told me she would stay with me until I found my family. It was not long after that my mom, who had to fight her way through guards to get back into the Vatican, yelled out my name and grabbed me into the tightest hug, while my tears soaked into her shirt. Meanwhile, the Spanish tour group felt that they were part of a live action soap opera and began clapping. I thanked the tour guide who was already back on her way to leading her tour, and I went on to get some great gelato with my family.
Now, you are probably wondering why I chose to share this overdramatic story with you, especially as first impression. To start off it's essentially the extreme version of how I will feel at the start of next year, in a far away place, with a much different culture than my hometown, Hawaii, and alone without my family; however, I can assure you it will not be that dramatic. This also shows that even after the darker times, I will jump back and find some joy, like gelato! This story is significant, because I have never forgotten that tour guide. Her kindness has left an impact on me far longer than the time I spent with her. Whenever I see someone lost or in need, I will stop whatever I am doing to help him or her, feel less alone. I also look back on this story, and not only laugh at the fact that I got lost in the smallest country, but I also see how much I have grown. I am much more independent, and I no longer feel like a defenseless thirteen year old girl, but that I can help other defenseless children. I have traded in Twilight (I am embarrassed to admit) for Fitzgerald, Hannah Montana(possibly more embarrassing), for, well anything but Hannah Montana. And I have learned that sometimes it is good to get lost in cities, but not in the way I did four years ago, but lost in the culture and unique distinctions of a city, like Audrey Hepburn (she is my idol) in Roman Holiday. Despite the fact that they made it all the way to the exit of the Vatican without noticing I was gone, I am extremely close to my Family, and a visit from some member in my family is inevitable. This little incident has not turned me away from foreign travel, in fact I fully intend on studying abroad. The irony of this story is that my intended studies include communications and international relations.
Anyways, I can't wait to see you and go searching for the best coffee, having random dance parties, and playing in my first winter snow (I've only been in spring snow), and dressing in big comfy sweaters with scarves and boots, things I can not pull off at home. And get ready, because there is never a dull moment with me!
