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Who or what had an influence on you - about the common application essay


patty123 2 / 5  
Aug 6, 2009   #1
okay...
i got 2 weeks of holiday left
and i'm panicking :(
could you tell me if the essays are okay?

common app essay
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

There are many people in our lives who influence the world around them and alter the course of history. Lord Wellington was among them; he was a great British general that led the European coalition to victory during the Napoleonic Wars. He was as talented as a tactician as he was as a politician, a person who possessed all the necessary attributes to become a global leader. It was he who changed the way I perceived the world. His influence on me was significant, to the extent that I aspired to become like him.

I first came across Lord Wellington while I was reading the famous Sharpe Series by Bernard Cornwall. Although the whole series mainly consists of Sharpe's perspective and experiences of the wars in Europe and India, the novel does offer some insights into Lord Wellington's personality and attributes. Throughout the series, Lord Wellington is depicted as a leader who is able to put on calm demeanor in times of crisis. I was thoroughly impressed and awed by his actions at Waterloo, where it was stated that he rode his horse among soldiers with a calm expression on his face even though his Dutch allies fled from the battlefield. I greatly admired his cool composure, and his effective ability to prevent panic grasps him. He did not panic because he knew that panic would only aggravate the situation. Instead, he began to think rationally and tried to control the problem. His act taught me valuable lessons, as he conveyed through his act that the ability to keep a calm composure during problems will enable me to think rationally and handle the issue on hand. In essence, he greatly influenced my ability to respond to problems. As such, I aspire to acquire the attributes that Lord Wellington possessed, since it will greatly aid me in becoming a great leader like him.

Beyond his calm demeanor in times of crisis, Lord Wellington also possessed a great leadership that could inspire everyone to perform at his or her best ability. Only a few people in the world have the ability to inspire people into action. Lord Wellington provided that leadership for the people, and inspired hope within them even times of hardship. When his battered army at Waterloo was about to be overwhelmed by the French forces, Lord Wellington rode his horse among the men and gave the celebrated order "Up guards, and at'em". This simple authoritative order combined with his charisma was enough to inspire hope and courage in the forlorn British troops. His strong leadership was able to change cowering men into soldiers. Had Lord Wellington not provide that leadership for his troops, his troops would have been leaderless and lost. It is this attribute that I admire the most in Lord Wellington, because he greatly altered my way of perceiving leadership. Before I read about Lord Wellington, I thought leadership was the ability to lead groups and accomplish tasks effectively. Now, I realize that is only a small fraction of what constitutes true leadership. True leadership is when one is able to inspire hopes into others even in times of darkness and initiate action. Lord Wellington possessed that true leadership, and that leadership made his troops unbeatable throughout the whole Napoleonic Wars. I greatly desire his leadership because I aspire to become one of those who are able to make a difference in everyone's lives. Many people in my life have provided leadership for me in times of hardship and helped to restore my confidence and abilities. I now want to repay back the debt by leading the path for others in times of darkness and become the one who is able to restore their hope and faith.

In addition, Lord Wellington conveyed to me through his actions the value of persistence in life. During the Peninsular Wars ( 1807 - 1814), Lord Wellington and his army could not advance beyond the Iberian Peninsula due to the French forces. Although there were numerous campaigns and battles Lord Wellington had led and won, he was still at stalemate with the French forces for nearly seven years. Although his forces were outnumbered, Lord Wellington never lost courage and fought courageously against the overwhelming enemy and managed to achieve victory every time. He suffered times of hardship, and experienced with his troops the harsh winters of Spain and the sorrows that battle always brought to the bereaved. Yet, he was steadfast in his determination and did not waiver. It was this persistence that eventually led to his triumph at 1814, when he finally began to advance towards Paris. Through his admirable determination and persistence, Lord Wellington showed to me the value of persistence in life. He showed that nothing was impossible in life, and also taught me that hard effort and adherence to my goals would allow me to overcome any obstacles I may face in the future. I also realized that that commitment and persistence was a necessity in every aspect of my life. I revere Lord Wellington significantly more than others because it was he who made me realize the possibility of studying abroad. Before I met him, I denied myself the option of studying abroad because of the difficulty of obtaining a job as a foreigner after graduation. Although I am not strongly confident about my future, I am now willing to give it my best effort because I realize now that without effort, there can be no success.

Lord Wellington is an admirable hero who helped to shape the world we now live in today. His achievements were so great that the city of Wellington in New Zealand was dedicated to his title. During his time, many viewed him as the emancipator who liberated the Europeans from Napoleon. He was a celebrated hero who enhanced the livelihood of the people. Just as the Europeans admired him for liberating their country, I admire him now today for showing me the personal qualities I need to progress in life. As such, he is my hero, my role model, and my teacher.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 6, 2009   #2
Well lets look at your intro:
"There are many people in our lives who influence the world around them and alter the course of history. Lord Wellington was among them; he was a great British general that led the European coalition to victory during the Napoleonic Wars. He was as talented as a tactician as he was as a politician, a person who possessed all the necessary attributes to become a global leader. It was he who changed the way I perceived the world. His influence on me was significant, to the extent that I aspired to become like him."

Your first sentence is broad and unnecessary. Get to the point. The last sentence has to be reworded. I'm not sure if an intro to the historical figure's traits is wise because these things can be easily molded into the rest of your essay more fluently.

"Although the whole series mainly consists of Sharpe's perspective and experiences of the wars in Europe and India, the novel does offer some insights into Lord Wellington's personality and attributes."

Is not a good sentence. You have no need to state that the whole series does not concentrate on Lord Wellington.

I do not think that you need to cite things like: Well...this book say that Lord Wellington was great. or my history teacher said he was a hero...

Just plainly say that he is all those things.

Overall, BEWARE, your entire essay looks like a term paper. The readers attention span is limited. Also end your essay with a better conclusion.

(The essay doesn't suck, I'm just pointing out negative aspects.)
OP patty123 2 / 5  
Aug 6, 2009   #3
haha thank you
i'll try to shorten it
and include your revisions

So problem
1. No need to state the obvious fact of lord wellington in the book
2. citing
3. better conclusion
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 7, 2009   #4
Lord Wellington?!? Really?!? That's the historical or fictional figure who influenced you the most?!? Are you sure you're not just recycling a term paper you wrote on him. If he really is the historical or fictional figure who influenced you the most, go to it. Make your revisions. If not, do the work of figuring out who is and then write a fresh, vivid essay about that person and how s/he influenced you.


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