Here's the prompt:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
Here's what I wrote.
Welcome to Chinese school-the community of ABCs, or American-Born Chinese. Despite being in America, it feels no less culturally Chinese. Even though Amy Chua's "Battle Cry of the Tiger Mother" incited outrage, most of the stereotypes are actually true: hard-working and high expectations. During Chinese school, first period, Language Class, has a genuine Chinese feel: even at the first grade level, where some of the students are of European or American descent, the class is taught almost solely in Chinese.
Recently there has been a clash of cultures: many, like my parents, came to the States to relax their standards, so that their children could have more opportunity and a better social life. At school, it is clearly visible whose parents are lax and whose parents are the embodiment of "Tiger Mom"s and "Wolf Dad"s. Ironically, many like me sometimes wish that our parents exercised more control, while those on the other side wish exactly the opposite. One advantage I like about having relaxed rules is that I can concentrate some of my efforts on nonacademic activities, like martial arts. Ten years of practice paid off when I finally got my black belt - I now have been teaching kung-fu at the Chinese school for the past two years. On the other hand, with too much free time I find myself lapsing into procrastination, so I push myself to work harder.
So was lowering the bar better? Not necessarily, I say; in fact, the bar had to have been that high in the first place. In order for one to exist, the other must exist; this allows for people like me to land somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.
WHAT THE #^&*!@(#$@^$&*($^&*@# AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE I HAVE NO CLUE. I KNOW THIS IS BAD, ANY AND ALL CRITICISM WELCOME.
Opening line is decent, I was captured. Second line threw me off balance... who is Amy Chua, what are you talking about? So, the second sentence needs to be revised and follow the tone of the opening.
"Recently there has been a clash of cultures" ...in general or in your life? You go on to describe clashes in your life, so I would make that line more personal: "Recently I have experienced a clash of cultures..."
Don't talk about "relaxing standards", I think I know what you mean, but it can be interpreted a few ways. Consider just saying "better quality of life"
You then go off on a tangent about kung-fu. Its a decent tangent, but much to short to convey a message, consider either refocusing on the "American life" you experience here (like you were initially talking about), or gear the essay towards kung-fu.
I'll leave the grammatical stuff for someone else, or another revision.
Sorry if I was harsh, heres mine :)
