Following is my essay for Rutgers. Kindly read it and leave your comments soon as I have to submit it soon.Be as harsh as possible.
Prompt- Rutgers is a vibrant community. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider values like talents, travels, leadership skills, volunteer work and cultural experiences.
"We make a living by what we do, but we make a life but what we give", said Winston Churchill and I get inspired by these words and indulge in community service.
I spent my twelfth birthday at an orphanage. Though there were no gifts, games or dancing, it was the best birthday I had ever had. I distributed chocolates and I can never forget the pretty smiles the kids had on their faces. Since then I visit the orphanage whenever I get time and give them my old books, toys and dresses. By doing so I get a lot of happiness and satisfaction and realize how lucky I am to have loving and caring parents.
There is a NGO called Bharat Vikas Parishad in India which works for the welfare of the under privileged sections of the society. Last year it organized a free medical checkup camp for the tribal communities living in the forests of Chhattisgarh. I actively participated in organizing it and also assisted the doctors in the camp by giving the medicines to the patients. The NGO also organized a camp called 'Assistance to the farmers' there in which we distributed high yield variety seeds to the farmers and also taught them rain water harvesting. Through this I got a closer view of the traditions and the hardships faced by the villagers. Later this year I participated in the seminar on woman empowerment organized by the NGO. I prepared power point presentations and charts to spread awareness against child marriage, female foeticide, dowry and abuse of women.
I have been voted the class captain and project head for several years during my middle and senior secondary classes .It elevated my self esteem knowing that my classmates trusted me. It was definitely a challenge for me to be involved in many activities and simultaneously manage my grades, but I somehow managed my work. This experience taught me team work, time management skills and leadership skills. These skills transformed me from a shy girl to a young woman that continues to help people and make a positive impact in their lives. I have also learned that being in a position of leadership is something that should not be taken for granted. In this position you have to please your fellow teammates, but maintain order and keep calm while others are against your ideas.
I also like dancing and have learnt two Indian classical dances, namely Bharatnatyam and Kathak. I am a member of my school's dance group and have given many stage performances. We also perform in social events and fund raising activities. Apart from dancing, my interests are in glass and ceramic painting, gardening, swimming and making greeting cards. All of this has brought my skills in organization.
I was born and brought up in Bhilai, Chhattisgarh, India. Bhilai is called 'mini India' because people of all states live here. India has a very rich and dynamic culture. It is so diverse that each state is a country in itself with its own language, cuisine, dressing style, festivals and traditions. Even though their lifestyle is different, people live together in harmony and peace. India is the paradigm of co existence and the notion of 'unity in diversity'. Being an Indian has imbibed in me spirits of togetherness, belongingness and respect for others.
When I found out that Rutgers' population was one of the most ethnically and culturally diverse, I was quite intrigued. Through this community, I would gain a broader sense of various cultures and traditions while spreading my own. I would also be encouraged to open my eyes to the medley of personalities and talents that make up the school.
Thanks for your help in advance.
it was a good personal essay, nice use of language butttt too much telling, not enough showing. Pinpoint a certain crucial moment in your little history and SHOW the reader its significance, how it affects you or , deeply given the context of your essay.
This is also what my teacher who helped me with my personal statement told me rather than to tell the admissions officer that you 'like' dancing and what the dances where called, reflect on what you learnt / how it affected you/changed you to be immersed in a different culture, and how did it challenge you to be skilled in organization? etc. SHOW / REFLECT don't just say I did this and this...
Good Luck!!
but what we give
by what we give
I get inspired by these words and indulge in community service.
feels awkward
realize how lucky I am to have loving and caring parents.
how does visiting orphanage and your parents connect ?
I agree with other posters, the essay appears a laundry list rather than a thoughtful showing essay. hope this helps :)
