just finished writing it. I know it kind of all over the place though
Freshman applicant prompt
I started my life at Shenyang, China. I was born in a family of engineers; both my grandfather and my father were engineers. Unfortunately, I'm not much into the engineering field. Luckily, due to my grandmother's influence, I found that taking care of animals and teaching is way more interesting than working on a large machine all day long. During my school years in China, I found myself fascinated with math and chemistry. Thus, my dream of becoming a veterinarian was clearer than ever. I enjoy helping people and love to help solve their problems. After I came to America, I knew my dream to be a vet would one day come true with the right education and enough support from the community. I have an unstoppable passion for working with animals and children. I have been doing community service at my local temple's Chinese pre-school as a teacher's aide and enjoyed helping people to get over their hardships. Not only that I helped those kids, I also had a great time with them. By doing this community service, I learned how to get along with kids, also a great way to teach them; befriend them, then share with them from a big brother's point of view. I also learned a lot from the kids; they always look at the world in a positive and bright way. Their point of view had a really large impact on me; I used to worry too much and see the negative way a lot. After seeing those kids, now I started solving life problems in a positive manner. I also learned from the animals; they can be happy with the simplest treat, such as a piece of snack, a little used ball, or just a pat on the back. I know I should be thankful for every little thing, regardless how small that thing is.
Prompt for all applicants
I have been a dreamer for all my life. I always dream for things to happen, or just set a dream and work it through. Four years ago I found out that I was going to U.S.; a dream comes true. However, I did not realize the challenges I would face. The good thing is that I'm always very persistent and never give up. Back then the only English word I knew how to say was hello. Living in a community surrounded by people who speak another language is quite difficult to blend in, especially for a person as talkative as I am. I had to start from scratch to learn a completely different language, in addition to some already hard enough high school work. During my freshman year, I was very frightened and only talked to the teachers and those who speak Chinese. Man, that time was so embarrassing. I had to bring my own lunch every day since I couldn't even tell the lunch lady what I wanted. I kept asking myself that if I couldn't even complete a simple task such as ordering my own lunch, how could I share my dreams with others. Under such pressure, I started to force myself watch American TV shows every day. The watching process was such a torment for a new learner like me; those people in the show were laughing about something I did not understand. Luckily, the torment didn't last that long; I caught on how to speak English within 7 months. I was not only learning English, but also learning how to fit myself into this dreamful world. I always have a dream for becoming a vet; such a minor thorn like language gap is not going to stop me from reaching my dream.
On the other hand, I was involved in some extracurricular activities. At the beginning of my sophomore year, the president of my school's animation club resigned. Since watching anime has been one of my favorite habits, I ran for the president and got elected. The ex-president left the club in a mass- only about one hundred dollars club money, five members, and no record of anything about the club. Trying to start a club is hard, but taking over an almost busted club is even more challenging. After I took over the club, I first recruited many new members during the club rush week. Then I did many successful fundraisers and made about four hundred dollars income for the club. Now, the animation club has near thirty members and over five hundred dollars club fee in the bank. I also lead the club members to do community services; we have been helping the local temple at free times. This year, I also joined Future Business Leaders of America as the treasurer; FBLA is a business-based club, so treasurer is one of the most important positions in the club. I have been overseeing and planning the club's spending for the whole time. By leading those two clubs, I developed very strong leadership. Anime club and FBLA are the two of the most active clubs of my school; I'm very proud for building their reputations.
I really like your style... the way you introduced this was roundabout and mellow, very cool.
During my school years in China, I found myself fascinated with math and chemistry. Thus, my dream of becoming a veterinarian was clearer than ever. (Right here, I think you should add a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. Then, end the first paragraph)
Paragraph 2:
I enjoy helping people and love to help solve their problems. (yuck, boring sentence.) After I came to America, I knew my dream to be a vet would ...
And this should start the last paragraph:
After seeing those kids, now I started solving ... paragraphs are useful for making a deep impact on readers' minds.
I have been a dreamer for all my life. boring.
This is a GREAT first sentence, though:
I always dream for things to happen, or just set a dream and work it through. Four years ago I found out that I was going to
7 seven months
Cool word! dreamful ---I don't know if this is in the dictionary, but it should be!!
:-)
Then I did many successful fundraisers and made about four hundred dollars income for the club. ----it is better to get rid of unnecessary words.
Anime club and FBLA are the two of the most active clubs of my school; I'm very proud for building their reputations making a meaningful contribution.----The other way sounded strange.
