Hello I would really appreciate if some one could give me some feedback on what they think about my essay.
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences
I recently had the privilege to go on a campus tour of Rutgers Newark and what I saw interested me greatly. Going on that tour made my desire to go to Rutgers even greater than what it already was. During that tour I realized that I could benefit and contribute to what already is a very diverse student body. Walking through Rutgers I felt as if I was walking through my own town and even my own high school. Much like Rutgers, my high school and town is full of different nationalities and ethnicities. My classes consist of students who are Hispanic, Asian, African American, and Indian. I love being around such a diverse group of people because everybody has a different story and different culture making conversations more intriguing. If my high school were a University, Rutgers would have some competition for the most diverse national university.
I am the type of person who works and learns best when I feel comfortable around the people next to me. Having grown up in a very diverse town, much like Rutgers, I've grown comfortable to that diversity and work best when surrounded by it. I also try my hardest to do well in school when I see that people around me are doing the same. Both my parents were farmers and moved to the United States to give me and my siblings a better education. With Rutgers having such a diverse student body there is a bigger percentage that some students can relate to the same experience as mine. It is very clear that Rutgers would provide me with the comfort level that I am seeking and with students striving for success, much like me. While Rutgers has a lot to offer me I feel as if my life experiences, travels and culture can offer the same in return.
I am part of a Portuguese folklore dancing group that is located in the Ironbound section of Newark. I have been a part of this group for thirteen years all of them being voluntary. In my four years of high school I have spent more than two hundred hours being part of this group. All those hours have been spent teaching little kids how to dance and dancing at festivals or other performances. In my years of being part of this group I have attended and participated in multiple cultural festivals like ones in Harrison and Trenton, New Jersey, and even as far away as Toronto and Québec, Canada. I have also danced in states like New York, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania. I am very proud of my culture and my devotion and time spent towards it proves it.
Going on the tour of Rutgers Newark had a very profound effect on me. I pictured myself walking to class, making new friends, and having some priceless experiences. Walking through Rutgers was a spell binding experience and changed any doubt in my mind about what college I want to attend. I came to realize no other school can provide what Rutgers can, a world-class education along with such diverse and hard working students, making Rutgers Newark my first choice.
Hi Paulo!
I feel this essay is only talking about only a single point in different styles. I feel this essay lacks substance.... and is very below average essay.
Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences
I want to know what is so different about you.... like your passions, your major choice and what prompted that choice, what are your extra skills.... like that.
You have not touched any of the above mentioned points. Also talk knowledgeably about the college like what research interests you (which must be linked to your major... ) that shows you have researched and taken pains over the college. This shows you love the college more than just by saying.
Make these changes and then we can work on the punch lines and all that. But be multi colored and not mono.... :) Post the second draft quickly. Hope this helps...
