Hi everyone,
I am working on my Common Application right now and I was hoping to get some feedback. I'm going to apply to Stony Brook through the Common App. Below is my response to the short answer portion of the Common App, Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
I tip-toed into his room; the squish of the rug underneath my feet echoed. He laid waiting. I wanted to see him before he left. John hadn't been at Bridges for long, but he was family. His face glowed. All the wrinkles had disappeared; the worry and stress of a lifetime melted away. He was reborn. There were no tears this time. He had lived. Blinded at 15, he became a professor in American History. Death isn't something to be afraid of. It's a part of life. The residents at Bridges led remarkable lives. There's a published calculus professor with university halls named after her and a WWI veteran who was present for the liberation of Dachau. They aren't afraid of dying; they're too preoccupied living. I help the nurse complete her daily duties, assist residents, and maintain records. The residents have shown me the possibilities are endless and have given me the gift of confidence to live my life to the fullest. It's not bad to be 17 years old with over 2000 years of wisdom behind me.
Thank you for any suggestions you might have.
He laid waiting.
He lay waiting.
Overall, you have a nice flowing essay. However, you begin with an anecdote on John. Halfway through that, you switch to "death..." I personally cannot see a connection between the two. Either expand on your anecdote or don't include it. I would also suggest leaving the 'death' sentence out completely as I don't see it having any adverse effect on the overall meaning of your essay. But, you do write well.
Good luck with your application!
Thanks for your helpful comment on my Calculus essay!
For this essay, I would just talk about your daily duties and everyone in general. Just talking about John in the beginning then shifting abruptly makes your essay lack a steady flow.
I'll check back for your revision and I'll help some more.
Good luck!
red=change
blue=my thoughts
green=my changes
I tip-toed into his room;idk if you could use a comma here the squish of the rug underneath my feet echoed. He laidI think it can go either "lay" or "laid" waiting. I wanted to see John before he left. He hadn't been at Bridges for long, but he was family. His face glowed, all the wrinkles had disappeared,idk if a comma goes here the worry and stress of a lifetime melted away. He was reborn. There were no tears this time. He had lived. Blinded at 15, he became a professor in American History.you need a transition into death here Death isn't something to be afraid of,comma here it's a part of life. The residents at Bridges led remarkable lives. For example, There's a published calculus professor with university halls named after her and a WWI veteran who was present for the liberation of Dachau. They aren't afraid of dying; they're too preoccupied living. I help the nurse complete her daily duties, assist residents, and maintain records. The residents have shown me the possibilities are endless and have given me the gift of confidence to live my life to the fullest. It's not bad to be 17 years old with over 2000 years of wisdom behind me. not too sure about this conclusion
I think your edited piece is quite lovely.
Just wanted to clear something up-- the reason I wrote that it should have been lay instead of laid was because 'laid' is transitive, and, thus, needs an object. For instance, I laid the pot into the sink. "Lay" is used with past simple which is, I believe, what the OP intended to write.
Good luck!
You should establish your relationship to John. Also, I wouldn't use semi-colons in this short of a piece. You should either combine with a conjunction, figure out a way to make the sentence a dependent clause, or make it a separate sentence. Short sentences are powerful. They pack a lot of punch especially if they are surrounded by long sentences. Also, you switch verb tenses a lot! Don't do it! I would establish what Bridges is as well. Maybe I am confused simply because I don't know what school you are applying to, but I would go for clarity over comfort. I love the ending. :) good luck!
One last thing
Try to transition from John into the other residents
I was surprised by how, like John, the other residents at Bridges led remarkable lives.
just a suggestion, this is obviously not the cleanest way to do it.
Good luck :)
