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"Untitled" General Personal Statement


bstrickland 1 / -  
May 8, 2009   #1
UNTITLED
Carrie Bradshaw idolizes them, Michael Jordan markets them, The Wizard of Oz told Dorothy to click them. Shoes. A particular pair of mine is rancid, grungy, and down right appalling- they describe me perfectly. Before jumping to conclusions and envisioning me as a 90s Nirvana-loving grudge rocker who is unfamiliar with a bar of soap, allow me to explain.

What started off as regular pair of light blue and grey mesh Asics sneakers bought on sale from Sports Authority, has manifested into the most accurate representation of my character. Picture if you will sneakers caked in cement from building a community kitchen in a village in La Fortuna, splattered with periwinkle paint from the bathrooms at a school in Nadi, soaked with mud from hauling lumber or playing soccer games with the locals, and decorated with the messages of friends who taught me, when the intent was for me to teach them how to count in English.

Like my treasured shoes I am forever imprinted by laborious efforts that tested my mental and physical strength. Though the paint stains on my body and the chunks of cement in my hair have washed away,the imprint on my character, not to mention my shoes, remains. No one can deny that the shoes have battled the elements and emerged victorious, arming me with entertaining stories and a heightened sense of accomplishment. I humbly consider myself a diligent worker in everything I do; I simply cannot do a job without knowing I put my full effort forth, whether it's a homework assignment worth ten points or a term paper worth twenty percent of my semester grade. The hard work my shoes have endured and the hard work that challenges me on a daily basis are of a different caliber and capacity, but the physical and emotional demands my shoes have been through with me have helped me conquer the daily battles of life.

I don't have to wear my treasured shoes to feel their power. Somehow the diligence manifested from sweat and blisters, held within my shoes empowers me without even wearing the shoes. Hard work, whether in the classroom or in the blistering sun, takes a certain stubbornness toward surrendering and I have been able to master such persistence in my daily life.

This particular pair of shoes accompanied me as I plunged fourteen thousand feet from a plane while I was on a break from service activities in Fiji the summer of 2008.

My one constant companion on all my adventures has been the sneakers; whether it was skydiving, ziplining, or water rafting canyons and level four rapids, my shoes stably clung on to my feet as my heart failed to be anything but stable. I've never been afraid of the unknown, plunging into a sea of clouds or being surrounded by friendly strangers or even taking an "impossible" class in high school. I actually welcome all challenges as an opportunity to expand, enlighten, and even prove myself. When Older students warned me that a teacher was a "GPA killer" or "The epitome of academic torture," I signed up immediately for the class. Call me masochistic or call me crazy, but I can never resist an adventure. That is exactly how I approached those classes and in the long run, such classes pricelessly prepared me for not only college, but also the real world. See, my shoes are the visual journal of my adventures and my character is the everyday representation of the risks I'm willing to take.

With growth comes growing pains but these shoes eased the soreness, physically and emotionally. They are the truest representation of who I am and who I will continue to be. Upon attending college, I plan to bring these attributes and maybe even my shoes, that is, if my room mate can handle the smell.

any suggestions?
Notoman 20 / 419  
May 9, 2009   #2
Before jumping to conclusions and envisioning me as a 90s Nirvana-loving grudge rocker

Hey, what's wrong with Nirvana?

You use very interesting words and the grammar is pretty solid (a couple of awkward parts), but I really think that the essay could be more about you and your experiences with the shoes being an underlying theme that ties things together. Without knowing the purpose of the writing, it is difficult to tell if it meets the assignment/application requirements. It might work better if you talk about different aspects of your life in separate paragraphs-maybe one one academics, one on volunteer work, and one on risk taking/adventure.

takes a certain stubbornness toward surrendering and I have been able to master such persistence in my daily life.

This isn't making sense to me. Stubbornness toward surrendering? Maybe try getting rid of some of the fluffy words and go with something like this instead: Hard work, whether in the classroom or in the blistering sun, requires persistence.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
May 9, 2009   #3
I actually like the essay overall -- you have taken a fairly original approach to this topic. However, your thesis needs work: "A particular pair of mine is rancid, grungy, and down right appalling- they describe me perfectly" No, they don't. Nothing in your essay indicates that you are, physically or mentally, rancid, grungy, or appalling (this is a good thing, btw, considering who are writing for). It is one thing to set up a nice hook, but it has to make sense with the essay itself. Likewise, "They are the truest representation of who I am and who I will continue to be." This is wrong. They have captured the experiences you have had, and are therefore treasured, but they don't have qualities, physically speaking, that you would (or do) ascribe to yourself. If you can find a way to keep the general idea without being factually wrong, your essay would gel quite nicely.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 9, 2009   #4
How about this way:

Carrie Bradshaw idolizes them. Michael Jordan markets them. The Wizard of Oz told Dorothy to click them. Shoes! A particular pair...

Ah! This is great!!! Ha ha, you get the award for Personal Statement with the Most Personality.

Make sure you find a way to add a sentence to that first paragraph that will mention a very specific course of study you are going to pursue. Don't ruin the cool effect you have achieved, though, by turning it into a normal essay - just give the slightest mention to the name of the degree program you choose in that first paragraph. That will make it perfect, I think!

That, and a bit more mention of the same envisioned course of academic action: once in the body, and once more in the conclusion. That is just my advice, not necessarily the only good way to do it...


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