I'm writing my essay for the common app and have chosen prompt #3 about a person who has influenced me and would appreciate if someone could read it and give feedback. This is a rough first draft and I want it to be a very good essay so don't hold back on constructive criticism. Thank you!
I remember the first time I heard the news. Baseball practice had just ended, and coach had us all seated on the bench in preparation for a talk. Presumably, this would be another standard post-practice speech, as it was every day. However, that day was different. Brock had been gone that practice, and that was unheard of. His passion for the game and drive to improve his performance had led him to a perfect attendance. Coach started off by explaining that Brock would be in and out of practice from that point on, and would probably miss some games as well. When he finally got the courage to say why, it was like the air had been sucked from that dugout. Brock's mother had been diagnosed with leukemia.
I sat in disbelief. Although younger than me, Brock was someone I looked up to. His seemingly perpetual positive attitude and ability to spread that mindset to those around him were characteristics I envied. I expected this to completely break him, because I knew that's how it would affect me. Brock proved me wrong.
When it came time for our first game, we found out Brock's mother would be flown in from the hospital where she was staying to watch, and we knew Brock would be the starting pitcher. The community became involved and an "orange out" was organized; everyone wore orange to spread awareness as orange was the national color for leukemia. I'd never seen so many people at a high school baseball game. That game was the most emotional experience I had ever witnessed. Brock, despite all the pressure to succeed and the circumstances of his situation, pitched arguably the best game of his career, and he got the win.
That year, Brock did miss some time on the field, but he was there when he could be. He wasn't acting differently, not letting his mother's illness stop him from being himself. This, I believe, required a great amount of courage and strength, and is one of the things I respect most about Brock. Watching Brock joke around and have fun that summer really changed a lot about how I approached my own life. I learned to only try to control what I can control, and that there is no point in getting upset about that which I cannot. I also learned to value the time I have with the people I love and care about.
I have not yet had to go through anything like what Brock is going through. However, I know that when the day comes that I am faced with a depressing situation, whether it be a family death or illness, divorce, or anything of the sort, I will think of Brock. I will think of how he handled the situation of his mother's illness and I will be inspired. I will always remember Brock, and this will give me strength to stay positive through any situation.
I agree with root; you need to tell more about how Brock inspired you; be more specific than just talking about how his courage made you a stronger person. Show, not tell. Give an example about how you used what you learned from him.
It's well written though. Just needs a bit of modification.
