Hi everyone, I am a student from Yemen, and I am going to apply to four colleges in the next three days. University of Richmond is one of them, and the others are Kenyon College, Colorado College and Whitman College, so if you have any advice for me please enlight me asap, specifically Colorado College supplement--I have no idea what to write about for the Bloch Plan question, so all help is needed.
Following is my supplement question for URichmond, so please be harsh if you need to! All help will be fine...
The Richmond Question: Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you?
Answer: During the ninth grade, I came to know Tameem, who, at the time, I called my best friend. Things were going great between us. However, when I found out that he was from Khoban, I hated him not for who he was, but because of where he came from. The stereotype is that people from Khoban usually depend on playing music, singing or dancing for a living, and sometimes perform those activities even during others' sad moments. He tried to tell me that he and his family had left that village because they did not like what those people do, yet I assaulted him and didn't give him a chance.
Years passed, and in the 11th grade, I won a chance to go to the USA for an exchange program. I knew forty one other students who won the same chance. We all met with our families and friends the day of our going away at the airport. Crying and hugging, everyone was sad to leave his family and friends. But I wasn't sad, instead, I was happy and excited because it was going to be only for one year and it was my first time travelling outside Yemen. Soon we all were on the plane, and nobody was sad any more. We had fun chatting and telling jokes to each other all the way.
Everything changed when we arrived in Washington DC. That was the time we had to say Goodbye to each other because everyone was placed in a different state to attend high school and live with a host family. This time I had the desire to cry because I finally felt I was alone. Realizing I was out of the comfort zone, I started to feel homesick three days later, yet I was even more eager to make new friends.
I was placed in Norfolk, Nebraska. The adults there were very pleasant and welcoming, but the teenagers were not. Every time I tried to make friends, they called me a "terrorist." They called me that because I was from the Middle East, but even though I was annoyed, it did not prevent me from trying to make friends. I joined the tennis, wrestling, and soccer teams because I had always believed that doing activities with others is the best way to reach them, and I worked just as hard at the sports as they did. Once they got to know me, they stopped addressing me like that. They apologized and told me that I was nothing like a terrorist and did not deserve to be called that.
The exchange program came to an end, and I had to leave again. But this time I was aware I wouldn't see my friends for good, and I felt I was leaving my comfort zone again. Still, I didn't cry or huff because I learned that where ever I go, I can make it my home. I learned that the choice is always in my hand.
This experience also made me think hard about how mean I was when I chose to hate Tameem because he was from Khoban. I felt bad because I was in the same situation as him, but people had always treated me well in the end. I was determined to apologize to him and to change the way that I treated him and others, and this was one of the best decisions of my life.
I learned that a baby does not choose who his parents will be, whether he will be black or white, male or female, or from Yemen or America. We do not have the right to insult people for any of these reasons. We should treat others as people like us and view them based on their personalities, not their backgrounds. And we should never call a person "terrorist" or "nigger" because stereotypes are never true and everyone is different. We should know instead that addressing people with derogatory nicknames will not make us feel any better, but will instead instigate conflict and war; it will cause us to lose many friends, and at the same time, gain more enemies.
This is a great essay.
There are some mistakes that I caught, but you may want them to be that way:
"I knew that it was because I finally was alone..." Either put because finally I was alone, or I was finally alone.
"I joined the tennis, wrestling, and soccer teams because..." Maybe Add Teams
"...best way to reach them, and I wasn't better in any work more than sports." This doesn't seem right to me
"or America. So we do not have" Take out "So"
you could put "and I wasn't any better at the sports then they were." or "and I worked just as hard at the sports as they did" Either would sound good.
some more things you might want to change are (some more things I caught):
"know Tameem, who I then called my best friend." Change is to "who, at the time, I called my best friend."
"had to say "Goodbye" to each" I would take goodbye out of quotes
"Only this time I felt the desire to cry, but I didn't. I knew that it was because I finally was alone." Maybe rewrite it to say "This time I had the desire to cry because I finally felt I was alone."
"People seemed very pleasant and welcoming. But teenagers were not." Maybe change to "The people there were very pleasant and welcoming, but the teenagers were not." Might want to change people to adults,
In your essay you may want to state the fact as to when you left your comfort zone... it's only a suggestion, you mentioned that you were leaving your comfort zone again but you never mentioned that you left it in the first place, let alone a second time.
Hope this helps a bit more
