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University or Oregon Admissions essay


KNB 1 / 1  
Sep 14, 2012   #1
Tell me what you think!!

"A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure"

Every person feels the pressure to be the best, to live each day like it could be their last. To take the risks if in the end it achieves greatness. This side of oneself is the rough edge; the part of someone that creates a shield to their true self, to their own greatness.

Everyone has this rough side whether they show it abundance or barely have the shield and choose to feel all life's ups and downs. For me, I display the rough side in abundance. I go through life a ball of anxiety always wondering in my head, what other people are thinking of me, whether I am making a fool of myself, not feeling smart enough in certain classes. Most of my anxiety comes from being a typical teenage girl, but it also comes from being afraid because of my own body. I have had chronic stomach pain since I was about 9, the pain appearing whenever I eat; it has been a personal struggle for me and for my family of not being able to figure it out, going to countless doctors and having countless tests done and still struggling to solve the issue. It came to the point of having bad anxiety of going out somewhere to eat or just going out with friends; it started this mental battle with myself and changed who I am. When I was younger I was always out with friends never home, the social butterfly as they say, but once the pain and anxiety became more consistent I started going out less frequently. As each year passes I try to deal more with the anxiety; I gain more friends with all the diverse classes of high school, I say it's okay to mess up- I am only human. Through this entire struggle what I discover is my path; to help people that struggle with feeling beaten down and betrayed by their own body to strive again.

Finding your path is where the shield of insecurities and doubts slowly becomes less until you discover your passion, your greatness. My struggle through the stomach pains really opened my eyes of who I want to be in life. I want to make a change in others life, by being a doctor, one that specializes in Pediatrics. I want to help kids of all ages solve the mysterious medical puzzles of their bodies and solve what some thought were unsolvable. I want to help be a part of keeping the light in a child's eyes, the dreams they strive for, and the risks they endure for greatness by keeping them healthy. I start creating my path by volunteering in the hospital, and being a teacher aid for a kindergarten and first grade class where you experience the joy and laughter of being a kid. In the end I am shaving off the rough edges to behold the diamond within.
srp284cave 4 / 11  
Sep 21, 2012   #2
I want to make a change in others life, by being a doctor, one that specializes in Pediatrics

You should rephrase this "I want to make a change in others lives by becoming a Pediatrics specialist." With your 2 commas, it seems like an awkward phrase.

But i really like the quote and it beautifully lends to your touching essay. The ending is concrete, which is good.
Also another suggestion:
"I want to be a part of the dreams they strive for, the risks they endure for greatness by keeping them healthy, and the reason a child has light glistening in his eye."


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