University of Maryland Baltimore County

Here is what i have so far for an admissions college essay...lemme know what i should add! = ) thanks
A discussion of your educational and career goals or significant personal experiences.

A family friend of mine had begun to lose her sight and she had asked me to come with her to the doctor's office. When we came to the building, I helped her up the stairs to Dr. Tasneem's office. As I helped the frail old woman slowly go up the stairs, she started to talking to me about her eyes and how day by day, her vision was failing. Her kind and warm brown eyes seemed to look nowhere in particular as we kept going up. She told me that Dr. Tasneem could help her with her eyesight. When we reached the office, I sat with her while Dr. Tasneem talked to her about her vision and her eyes. As I listened, I couldn't help but become interested in the sense we all take for granted: our sight.

As a child I had always shied away from the medical field. I've seen many Pakistani parents trying to convince or force their kids to become doctors and I had long ago decided that I would not head down that road. This all changed when I met my inspiration, an ophthalmologist friend of my parents, Dr. Tasneem. Her work became so interesting to me that the medical field didn't sound so dreadful anymore. I had always wanted to help people in some way, and right then in that office I finally found my mission in life: to help people with their eyesight. Eyes are one of the most important senses that anyone can possess.

To my surprise, I soon found that I loved being in my biology class. That particular science appealed to me so greatly that I'm now taking AP Biology as a senior in high school.

Use a comma:
A family friend of mine had begun to lose her vision , and she...

When you are trying to write well, avoid statements of the obvious. It's important, because in real life people do not often state the obvious! So, it is unnatural. Do not write, "Eyes are one of the most important senses that anyone can possess."

You should maybe condense this whole thing into three good sentences, and then go on to get deeper in your discussion of opthamology. What do you know about new advances in technology, new surgical procedures, etc.? Show them that you are passionate about this field -- impress them with your educational and career goals. Maybe you are hoping to find a cure for retinitis pigmentosa, or maybe you hope to join some famous researcher at this university.