"to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me?

What makes Stanford a good place for you?

I think this was the hardest prompt, since it required some research. But what I found was really interesting :]
If anyone can help with this essay, I will greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

During my high school career, I sought a college that offers both intensive education in and a unique blend of my passions: music and computer science.

Although many prestigious universities such as Princeton and Harvard provide rigorous scientific education and musical training, they lack the blend of the two subjects. Over time, my college research grew futile, as I could not find the perfect school that combined my passions. However, just as I began to doubt the existence of the compromise of two seemingly contrary disciplines, I discovered that Stanford offered not only rigorous schooling but also the remarkably novel fusion of music and computer science that I had been seeking.

...

Impeccable! One of the few essays that I have read where no negative comments come to mind.
Pretty amazing honestly, well phrased and systematically developed train of thought. Varied sentences and literary enough to avoid sounding pedantic.

I noticed just one small glitch.


is a typo I assume.

I am dissapointed that I cannot be of more help, so I will just offer you my best wishes and hope you get into Stanford :D

P.S Perhaps more talented writers can pinpoint your areas of improvement, which is currently beyond my ability~!

Hmm...I got the feeling that your research was not thorough enough.

You use the first two paragraphs making the same point, i.e. you want a place to combine both your passions. So you don't really talk about Stanford until the last paragraph.

Here you use weak phrases like "friendly environment" and "grand aspiration".

I would suggest you to include something that only Stanford students know, and not something you can easily find out on the web. Did you contact any current or ex-students?

I guess I'm being a bit harsh, but that's only because you write so well. You can definitely do a lot better.

Good luck!!

The clumsiness shows in the simplest sentence. I'd suggest rephrasing in this sentence,
During my high school career, I sought a college wherein both intensive education and an unparalleled blend of music and computer science are offered.


May I demonstrate a rewritten version of the above to do some rephrasing and restructuring?
During my high school, I sought a college wherein both intensive education and an unparalleled blend of music and computer science are offered. Yet so many prestigious universities as there are, the blend of the two subjects is lacked. Over the years, my college research grew fruitless, for I could but find the perfect school that combined my passions. Then again, diligence is the mother of good luck. Just as I began to suspect the existence of the compromise of two seemingly contrastive/incompatible disciplines, I rummaged through Stanford. To my utmost amazement, Stanford delivered not only a dignified study but also the novel fusion of music and computer science, for that I was looking.


The lines in bold I carved prove contradictory at read. You refer to Stanford, then state that "however", you are seeking more than a mere nearby, unrivaled campus. This, I notice, is rather odd, for it links directly to Stanford, and the description is not matching. Also, the following of the line states that at Stanford you can take advantage of its diverse computer science resources and musical programs thus to excel in your passions, which I find queer. Please rephrase your sentences in a way that it doesn't seem like you view Stanford as a nearby, unrivaled campus, then again esteem it as a diverse source of computer science. It may not occur to you, but I, as a non-native, find it quite misleading.


Your case is one that I find quite interesting, and frankly mesmerizing. The one who is able to confine music into the labor of computer science must be a one whose knowledge and ideas are endless. Yet I seek more of writing uniqueness from such a person, and your composition doesn't appear to be a refined piece of drawn passions for the admissions to the school.

Anyhow, I wish you good luck, and also admissions to Stanford. I'm not attending universities in like some years to come, so if you do get to Stanford, please inform me. I'd like a few looks at it, just for some consideration, for I find its MBA Program quite a hypnotizing lead.

Well... I'm not sure how much more I can research. I don't really know anyone at Stanford, and my high school counselors, to tell the truth, are pretty useless. So the only way I could research is

through the Internet. Nevertheless, I'm sure Stanford will appreciate the information I've dug up from the web.


I prefer not to use the passive voice, because often it tends to be weak. I think this would be better:
"During my high school, I sought a college that offers both intensive education and an unparalleled blend of (my passions:) In my opinions, I think the phrase in parenthesis will more clearly introduce the reader to my passions. If I just stated this without the phrase, the reader might be confused as to how and what these disciplines mean to me. music and computer science.


I think this is awkwardly worded, and it is also in passive voice. I'm grateful for your help, but I think my original statement was slightly better.


I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, but this isn't what I meant. I was trying to say that I was about to give up hope. But the word choice you offered sounds better than my measly "contrary". Thanks!


This is a good suggestion. Thanks. I just tweaked it a little to accommodate my taste. :]

Well, here is a revised version of my introduction:

During my high school career, I sought a college that offers both an intensive study and a unique blend of my passions: music and computer science. Although many prestigious universities such as Princeton and Harvard provide rigorous scientific education and musical training, they lack the unique fusion of the two subjects. Over time, my college research grew futile, for I could not find the perfect school that combined my passions. However, just as I began to doubt the existence of the compromise of two seemingly incompatible disciplines, good fortune led me to investigate Stanford. To my utmost relief, I discovered that Stanford offered not only rigorous schooling but also the remarkable and novel fusion of music and computer science that I had been long seeking.

What do you think? Does is sound better and more fluid?


Although fruitless can fit in here, it doesn't give me the effect I'm seeking. I want a word that will show that I almost gave up, that the task seemed like a Sisyphean task.


Hmm... I think I know what you mean. How about this:

"Before high school, I believed that Stanford was simply a beautiful neighbor. Although even now, I am still impressed with the lush mosaic of Stanford's environment and pleased with its proximity, Stanford is more than a nearby, unrivaled campus. At Stanford, I can take advantage its diverse computer science resources and musical programs to excel in my passions."

Is this clearer?


No, no, no... I'm not confining anything to anything. Rather, I want to expand both fields by merging them together.
I do admit that this is not my best piece -.- I found it hard to emotionally give concrete examples of what I can to at Stanford that I cannot do at other universities.

I have edited my final paragraph to give it a stronger, more decisive touch. Please tell me what you think:

Through the Stanford Computer Forum, I can advance my technological expertise and pursue my passion for computers through algorithmic research. Through its Symphonic Orchestra, my flute and I can inspire others with captivating music. Most importantly, through the Stanford Laptop Orchestra, which offers a unique opportunity to compose and produce music with computers and algorithms, I can achieve the long-sought fusion of computers and music. Undoubtedly, I have discovered my ideal college; at Stanford, by contributing to its computer and musical programs, I can achieve my grand aspiration to unify my passions.

If you can again revise my essay, I would be forever grateful. Thanks!

Yes, you do not like to use such a passiveness. Yet when you are demanding for the passions to be heeded, it is for you to use passive voice. Why not then?


I don't see awkwardness. Nonetheless, the blend of the two subjects is to be heeded, so passive voice is the best choice. Why don't you like Passive Voice, if I may ask? It is as fine as Active Voice, just that it sounds a little more formal, of which I am sure. Then again, this is your composition, so you have to choose your best. My grammar is not as good as people, but surely my experience is. Many admissions officers wonder if their students or would-be students know how to use passive if needed, many offer the role of study just because they see the perfection in use of active/passive voice. Be flexible, that helps much.

A little more later. I'm going to explicate more.

No, no. Passive and Active voices are quite different. Usually, I would use the passive voice when I am reflecting on something or if the narrator is speaking of the past. In this case, I like the use the active voice. The active voice lends a more forceful and, as the name implies, "active."

From my experience, all of the English teachers I have prefer active over passive voice. True, when used properly, the passive voice can create a beautiful tone, but I'm not trying to write a novel here :) I hope you understand. Thanks for your comments, too!

Yes. I understand. But what I am trying to say is that passive voice helps avoid weak subjects too. And one thing to enrich your essay is to use various structures that enable you to convey differences and contemplate ideas.

Anyway it is just convenient to use passive as it reduces words and in occasions phrases. I wish you your best luck and admissions.

Unripe is the word that comes to mind, reading this essay. I can't read it and contain my unease with the conflicting messages.

Can you explain?

Your case is one I find really, really queer. Confining in this case, as I'm saying, is just literally a comparison as a way of saying the combination. You need to free yourself of the reality, be a little dreamy. I don't like those who are really realistic, and those realistic in compositions in particular and literature in general are not going to succeed in this field. Besides, if you want to be a composer and simultaneously a computer scientist, it is a 'must' for you to be dreamy and think of impossibilities.


What does "impressed with the lush mosaic of Stanford's environment and pleased with its proximity" have to do with "more than a nearby, unrivaled campus"? I don't find those phrases contrastive nor compatible. They are more individualistic than that. This is definitely worth working on, if you are heading for Stanford, which I find a really top school, requiring you to deal with some hundreds of people to gain a spot in the campus.


I did say that I understood, but I understood the precedent lines of the above, not the above itself. Now what do your English teachers have to be literally involved in the admissions process? My experience is with the admissions officers themselves. One of my fellow Vietnamese works as a admission officers of Stanford, the group of which comprises both Stanford-ian students and teachers. They don't prefer any kinds of voices, yet they want a beautiful intonation of narrative, argumentative, or whatsoever that the topics require. I don't understand your points about novelists using passive voice nor students not using it. It's your choice, and you have to make the best, or else say good bye with Stanford. You have to adjust, not stay conservative in waits of time.

Hmmm... From all these comments... I've decided that I should rewrite, from scratch...
But before I do, can you guys clarify what it is that seems conflicting? Thanks.

Well these are the conflicts I feel--
1. Your ideas are in places misleading and in some a little overlapping.
2. Your sentences struggle to gain attention. Be more flexible and you shall be utmost fineness.
3. Your being so much a realist. You try to be what people--admissions officers in this case--want you to be, meanwhile you confine yourself to all but what they really like.

Anyhow, I anticipate your forthcoming newly-written essay.

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke its hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as I absorbed the violin's tender melodies. Ever since I witnessed the simple beauty of the second movement of Dvorak's Violin Concerto, I sought to re-create the wistful longing that accompanied the dulcet tone.

How is this for a start? My plan now is to introduce the reader to both my passions, state my passion to reconcile these passions, and to state what I can do at Stanford to fulfill my passion.

This is a matter of style:
I sought a college that would offer...--- your way was not incorrect, but I think this is better.

...but also the remarkably novel fusion of music and computer science that I had been seeking.--- when I read this, I think, okay, he better give a good explanation in the next paragraph to substantiate this claim.

No, I see that you leave it and go on to other topics.

Well, to be clear, this probably is better than most other essays they will receive. You write very well. It is hard to say why one school is better than the others. Really, it is your intuition that usually makes you choose a school. Ask yourself, what is the real reason you have this as your top choice? Or if it is not actually your top choice, what WOULD be the reason if it was. I mean, after all the research, what is really the reason?

The more you research your chosen field of expertise, the better you can answer this question. You did need to research the school, but more important is the research of your chosen profession because that is what determines what qualities you need in a school.

Yes, that's a good point. I didn't think about that one.
Eugene, your prompt is very much like the ones they give for grad school admissions. Read some grad school essays. Those applicants generally need to mention very specific reasons for attending a particular university. That should give you some hint on how you can answer the question you mentioned.

I perused yours and a few others grad essays, and had a question: By specific reasons, do you mean specific details of the school itself, or specific things I do?

Thanks again ^^

Haha...that didn't help much, did it?
Actually, the one I've posted here is not for any specific university. It's just a template of sorts which I mold according to the university I apply.


Both. How can I explain this? Let me try...

You are applying for course A, and you want a career in B. Now the course A being taught at the university has something unique. It's so unique that it will give your career of B, a definite edge. In your case, let's say A is computer engineering, and B is music composer.

Did you understand anything? I'm really bad at explaining things :(

*Oh~ ha, I knew that -.-

I think I get what you mean. So I have to mold both these disciplines together in a way that will help each other out and in a way that only Stanford can offer assistance... am I right?

Yep, pretty much :)

Yes, for sure, and this combination you have in mind is excellent. Just don't let all the theory drain the life out of your music! Keep it raw. :-)

The trick is to make a memorable theme out of the core of your personality. What is the memorable theme that emerges when someone wants the abstract expression of harmony with the mathematical precision of engineering.

I hope you engineer beautiful music and compose symphonic innovations in computing.

Is that the correct way to use the word symphonic? I don't know if it is even a word, ha ha...

Anyway, the point is to intrigue the reader by sharing a really cool insight or vision for the future.

Hey this looks good.
You have an amazing vocabulary. I had to check the dictionary quite a few times.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it should be "tones ".

The last paragraph seems excellent -- it's very specific.


That's a really cool phrase :)

Thanks! ^^ I think I finally figured out what you guess meant. *whew! :)


Right. Thanks.

"Although many prestigious universities such as Princeton and Harvard provide rigorous scientific education and musical training, they lack the blend of the two subjects. "

My friend, you need to do more research. Princeton does indeed offer a blend of science education and music. Ever heard of PLOrk? Yeah, Princeton Laptop Orchestra. It's a club at Princeton that was, believe it or not, founded before SLOrk. SLOrk was at Stanford by the same guy who founded it at PLOrk (I think). Regardless, not only does Princeton have that blend of science education and music, they had it before Stanford. It makes it especially bad when you call Princeton out as not having this blend. Stanford admissions officers will know that you're factually incorrect, and you could be penalized for this.

Yeah. I know that, so I revised the essay completely. The thing is, I don't want to travel very far either (hence the nearby campus), so I looked into Stanford.

That is one reason you should state honestly and earnestly at first. If not, your penalty will be severe.

:| Good luck, anyway!

Love the new version... pretty impeccable.


A long sentence helps communicate how involved you were in the process, and how fast the internet runs, but I'd consider breaking off the YouTube fragment. Make a new sentence... to the tired eyes of a Stanford reader, this is a run-on.

...as I navigated the sea of sites. Finally, I docked at YouTube.

More concise, and almost humorous... you're making an epic journey, and you end up at YouTube.

Well... technically, it isn't a run-on. I purposely made this sentence longer than the next one to build up suspense. The next, shorter one would release it all... Maybe it's not working -.-

Here is my most updated version. Please comment and critique it if you see any errors or have any suggestions. Thanks:

The black screen flickered to life. I breathed life into the computer's heart. The neuronal algorithms intricately weaved the cluster of bytes into a fine specimen of euphony as I navigated through the sea of sites and finally docked at YouTube. Anxiously, I awaited the electronic rendition of Dvorak's Violin Concerto.

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke the rosined hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as my ears absorbed the violin's tender melodies. The morning sun dimmed and the atmosphere grayed. I was whisked away to my rural childhood, and my chair transformed into a lonely stone in the midst of lush pastures. As the dulcet tones subsided, I slowly came into a hopeful realization that the computer, which has always been branded as inanimate and unfeeling, had created this poignant beauty. Since then, I sought to sway emotions by composing my own harmony between music and computers.

After thorough research, I discovered that only Stanford offered not only rigorous education and a beautiful nearby campus, but also the unique musical algorithms I had long-sought. I believe that only through Stanford's Laptop Orchestra (SLOrk) can I hone my programming expertise while composing and producing music near home. Not only will I learn to modify computer software and graphics hardware, but I will also learn to creatively accommodate the variety of tones necessary for sublime digitized music. Through the Orchestra, I can also develop my lyrical talents, contribute to its musical agenda with my own engineered compositions, and improve the Chuck audio language with my programming experience in C++. No other nearby prestigious institution offers this unique opportunity; through Stanford, I can achieve the ultimate electronic euphony.