I would suggest you to include something that only Stanford students know, and not something you can easily find out on the web. Did you contact any current or ex-students?
Well... I'm not sure how much more I can research. I don't really know anyone at Stanford, and my high school counselors, to tell the truth, are pretty useless. So the only way I could research
isthrough the Internet. Nevertheless, I'm sure Stanford will appreciate the information I've dug up from the web.
wherein both intensive education and an unparalleled blend of music and computer science are offered.
I prefer not to use the passive voice, because often it tends to be weak. I think this would be better:
"During my high school, I sought a college that offers both intensive education and an unparalleled blend of (my passions:)
In my opinions, I think the phrase in parenthesis will more clearly introduce the reader to my passions. If I just stated this without the phrase, the reader might be confused as to how and what these disciplines mean to me. music and computer science.
Yet so many prestigious universities as there are, the blend of the two subjects is lacked.
I think this is awkwardly worded, and it is also in passive voice. I'm grateful for your help, but I think my original statement was slightly better.
Just as I began to suspect the existence of the compromise of two seemingly contrastive/incompatible disciplines,
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, but this isn't what I meant. I was trying to say that I was about to give up hope. But the word choice you offered sounds better than my measly "contrary". Thanks!
I rummaged through Stanford. To my utmost amazement, Stanford delivered not only a dignified study but also the novel fusion of music and computer science, for that I was looking.
This is a good suggestion. Thanks. I just tweaked it a little to accommodate my taste. :]
Well, here is a revised version of my introduction:
During my high school career, I sought a college that offers both an intensive study and a unique blend of my passions: music and computer science. Although many prestigious universities such as Princeton and Harvard provide rigorous scientific education and musical training, they lack the unique fusion of the two subjects. Over time, my college research grew futile, for I could not find the perfect school that combined my passions. However, just as I began to doubt the existence of the compromise of two seemingly incompatible disciplines, good fortune led me to investigate Stanford. To my utmost relief, I discovered that Stanford offered not only rigorous schooling but also the remarkable and novel fusion of music and computer science that I had been long seeking.
What do you think? Does is sound better and more fluid?
research grew fruitless
Although fruitless can fit in here, it doesn't give me the effect I'm seeking. I want a word that will show that I almost gave up, that the task seemed like a Sisyphean task.
The lines in bold I carved prove contradictory at read. You refer to Stanford, then state that "however", you are seeking more than a mere nearby, unrivaled campus. This, I notice, is rather odd, for it links directly to Stanford, and the description is not matching. Also, the following of the line states that at Stanford you can take advantage of its diverse computer science resources and musical programs thus to excel in your passions, which I find queer. Please rephrase your sentences in a way that it doesn't seem like you view Stanford as a nearby, unrivaled campus, then again esteem it as a diverse source of computer science. It may not occur to you, but I, as a non-native, find it quite misleading.
Hmm... I think I know what you mean. How about this:
"Before high school, I believed that Stanford was simply a beautiful neighbor. Although even now, I am still impressed with the lush mosaic of Stanford's environment and pleased with its proximity, Stanford is more than a nearby, unrivaled campus. At Stanford, I can take advantage its diverse computer science resources and musical programs to excel in my passions."
Is this clearer?
Your case is one that I find quite interesting, and frankly mesmerizing. The one who is able to confine music into the labor of computer science must be a one whose knowledge and ideas are endless. Yet I seek more of writing uniqueness from such a person, and your composition doesn't appear to be a refined piece of drawn passions for the admissions to the school.
No, no, no... I'm not confining anything to anything. Rather, I want to expand both fields by merging them together.
I do admit that this is not my best piece -.- I found it hard to emotionally give concrete examples of what I can to at Stanford that I cannot do at other universities.
I have edited my final paragraph to give it a stronger, more decisive touch. Please tell me what you think:
Through the Stanford Computer Forum, I can advance my technological expertise and pursue my passion for computers through algorithmic research. Through its Symphonic Orchestra, my flute and I can inspire others with captivating music. Most importantly, through the Stanford Laptop Orchestra, which offers a unique opportunity to compose and produce music with computers and algorithms, I can achieve the long-sought fusion of computers and music. Undoubtedly, I have discovered my ideal college; at Stanford, by contributing to its computer and musical programs, I can achieve my grand aspiration to unify my passions.
If you can again revise my essay, I would be forever grateful. Thanks!