Uniqueness is ubiquitous. Everyone has a different story to tell. Mine, in particular, revolves around the alteration of my concept of society over time.
Growing up in a realist environment, I carved within myself a pessimistic view of the world. Horrid housing conditions along with constant lectures drilling the necessity of money were engraved into my childhood. Survival of the fittest was my parents' conception of America. Considering the harsh consequences of sudden immigration thrusting them into a land not of their native tongue, I sympathized with them trying to appease by succeeding in school. During my parents' extensive work hours, I constantly studied in order to better myself in academics striving to fulfill great expectations to succeed. Despite cramped space and insufficient lighting, I was determined to attain more knowledge. While other kids pursued unproductive entertainment such as video-games and television, I took multiplication tables as an avocation. Perhaps this was due to lack of funds in order to purchase such entertainment. Nonetheless, it enhanced my knowledge tremendously.
Although academics was my main priority, I participated in community service as well. Numerous charity events raising disease awareness to the general public introduced the goodwill of society to me. Prior to such events, I advocated the theory of natural selection and was narrow-minded to the efforts of groups striving to help those in need. One such event truly inspired me as thousands of walkers marched in an effort to cure those with leukemia and lymphoma. The sheer will of these people to improve the lives of complete strangers who were worse off than them moved me. Why were these people helping strangers? What's the purpose for working to improve the lives of others rather than yourself? Their incentive was not personal gain but merely for the sake of the benevolence underlying assistance to the less fortunate. Upon this revelation, my view on society completely reformed. Survival of the fittest was no longer applicable to my conception of society. Volunteering inspired selflessness and revived optimism in society.
An epiphany struck me as I realized that others had experienced the same financial hardships I encountered during my childhood. Beginning to acknowledge such a similarity in circumstance, I strived to help my community as an active member of Key Club which endorsed serving the general public. I empathized with the various adversities everyone faced and made it a habit to provide everyone a helping hand. There is not a single person who does not require assistance at one point or another. Altruism bestows benevolence upon society and thus I aspire to extend my helping hand to those around me because at the end of the day, everyone has a different story to tell.
Topic-wise, your essay has been done by many others. If I changed the name printed on your app, I could be talking about myself. Immigrating to another country, financial issues during childhood, a rickety home, its all very similar.
From your essay I can tell that your a very knowledgeable and educated person. Your diction is well-used and executed. However, your personal statement lacks the "personal" part. Don't get me wrong, I can very much sympathize with your difficulties. However, seeing that there is about 100,000 applicants every year for each UC, certain topics are very much overused. Therefore, your whole story depends on how you tell it .
Your use of high-level, sat-worthy vocabulary is impressive but it might come off as pretentious to admission officers. Is that honestly how you speak in real life? If it is then good for you, but I would avoid it on the personal statement. Your essay is very well organized but it lacks focus. I understand that there are many things you want to say to make sure that the people reading your essay can get a good idea of who you are. However, instead of trying to put every aspect of your life on paper, talk about one thing that really sums up how you want to be seen and just run with it.
However, if your like me and you want them to know as much as they can about yourself, at least try to make the transitions between your life at home, school, and community service flow better.
Always remember that you are trying to tell a story, try to captivate the reader and not make it sound like your just throwing random facts out. I am also a uc applicant and I've written this way and was told by many teachers, college counselors, and previous graduates that I sounded "cocky." Many of them say that in the effort to impress, we lose the aspects of being genuine and honest.
Anyways, good luck with your essay. You're a really good writer and I can tell that you must have impressed many of your English teachers, but try to be more personal in your essay.
