I only have one of my essays written so far, and I'm hoping for little feedback Thanks in advance!
"We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
Every year, Spanish students at my school are provided with the opportunity to spend a day in a Mexican neighborhood called Pilsen in Chicago. I have gone for the past two years, but this year I finally learned something besides how good the food is at the Nuevo Leon restaurant.
Pilsen is not the best neighborhood in Chicago; its roads, shops, and houses are run-down and dilapidated. There are bars on the windows and garbage in the alleys. I cautiously walked down the street because everywhere I looked screamed, "Poor!" I did not bring a purse with me because I was afraid it would be snatched. I tried not to make eye contact with anybody and walked on the outside of the sidewalk.
After all these thoughts ran through my head, I immediately began scolding myself. Inside my mind, I was yelling at my ignorance. I was incredibly angry that I could think this way. All of my life I have been sheltered and living in decent neighborhoods and have attended good schools. I knew nothing of the poor and I actually hated myself for allowing these thoughts. In fact, I feel like crying while typing this right now. I do not have any right to blindly judge the poor and assume that my "status" as an upper middle-class citizen permits such an appalling attitude.
I realize that I know nothing of hardship. Therefore, I have decided to help by tutoring Hispanic children whose parents cannot speak English. I know nothing about the lives of the poor, but I will learn. Pre-judgment is dim-witted and pathetic. I need to interact with people of other cultures and accept points of view distinct from my own. I should not assume that the poor have become so because they do not care or because they were born dumb. I am certain that there is potential in everybody to learn and improve, and I will draw that out.
At the University of Michigan, I want to broaden my perspective even more. I live in a white upper middle-class town, which bores me to no end. Nothing special happens because everybody is just the same. I have read everywhere that UM is famous for its vastly diverse population, and I want to experience that. I want to meet students and faculty from other neighborhoods similar to Pilsen from around the country and international students from obscure nations so that I may learn.
"far side of the side of the sidewalk." should be changed to "far side of the sidewalk. "
Also, this sentence is a major run on. You can use a semicolon or split it into two separate sentences.
"I need to speak with and understand a different point of view. I should not assume that the poor have become so because they do not care or because they were born dumb because I am certain that there is potential in everybody to learn and improve, and I will draw that out."
Good start!
Actually, I revised my essay with the help of my friend. Can anyone tell me what they think of it overall? (If you notice any surface errors, please tell me. My grammar is not the best.)
...two years, but it was not until this year that I finally gained insight that was truly meaningful -- insight into more than just...
Good use of humor in that first paragraph. However, if you do not say something powerful at the end of your first paragraph the whole essay is weakened. Look at the moral of the story, just like as if this was one of Aesop's Fables, and add a powerful sentence to the end of that 1st paragraph It's too short; it should tell the main idea.
