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UFl Admission Essay (Important Moment In My Life)


blackbladeX1X2 1 / 5  
Oct 27, 2009   #1
Hello everyone. I need a bit of assistance proofreading and improving upon my UF essay. I've tried as hard as I could to use great descriptions in my essay, to grab the attention of the reader, and to get my point across, but it seems that I'm struggling a bit with accomplishing my goal. I have written what I believe is the final draft of the essay:

Your essay is a very important part of your application. What you provide helps the university know you as an individual -- independent of grades, test scores and other objective data.

Please submit a 400-500 word essay. You can compose the essay in a word processor and then paste it into the text box or you can type directly in the text box. When you are finished save your work.

You should keep your formatting as simple as possible and avoid using any special formatting; attributes such as bold, italics, underlining and quotation marks can be lost when placed into the textbox.


In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. (400-500 word limit, 3850 character limit)

The door swung violently open and created a thunderous "BANG!" John came running into my house, tears streaming down from his eyes.
"I don't know what I'm going to do, Sean. I have absolutely no idea. My life is going downhill and I have no idea what I should do."

John has been my best friend for nearly seven years. We were almost inseparable from each other. His parents just got a divorce and the divorce could mean that he would have to live with his father in another state.

"John, you know I've been through a divorce before. Your parents still love you more than anything else in the world and they want to do what is best for you. Maybe moving in with your father isn't such a bad idea?"

John's demeanor dropped. His tear-stained eyes shut closed.
"Help me, Sean. Help me before I ruin my life."
From that point on, I knew the situation was dire; my world turned upside down. I couldn't comprehend the thought of losing a best friend. I tried as hard as I could to placate John in his time of need by talking with him almost constantly for two weeks and by getting him away from his parents.

Three weeks later, John's father gained custody over John and they moved to Nebraska. Subsequently, I lost contact with John.
About six months ago, out of the blue, John added me on Facebook. He sent me a message with the friend request. "Sean, you don't know how well you remember me, but your help through my parents divorce saved my life. I don't know if I would have been living if it wasn't for you."

My heart dropped and a smile emerged onto my face. I've never thought that my actions could have such an enormous impact on someone else's life.

That one experience in my life, as minute as it was, has made such a great impact on my life. Since the day I've saved my best friend from near suicide, I've made a promise to myself that I would try to help others with their problems, because any minuscule thing that I may do to help someone feel better, may end up being the most important thing I could ever do.

My experience with John will carry over to UF. My extreme selflessness motivates me to try to help as many people as humanly possible. My selflessness will also motivate me to be to become a great asset to the UF community. I know that I can achieve success academically and still be able to help students who are in distress. My undying desire to improve other's lives before I improve my own makes me feel important and it makes me feel that I have a purpose in life. By taking time out of my life to help someone else in distress, I know that such an action could bring a smile across a face, or even save a life.
scaremechelle 2 / 3  
Oct 28, 2009   #2
the opening is really good it grabs the readers attention but you should explain more
OP blackbladeX1X2 1 / 5  
Oct 28, 2009   #3
What part of the essay should I elaborate more on?
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 28, 2009   #4
the ying to my yang

This is so cliche. (The word is yin, anyway.). If you don't want the committee rolling their eyes, better drop it.

This is much too lighthearted to be as serious as it was. It's like you're just skimming over the top of something important. It's a little confusing too. When a situation is dire, we normally don't go to a movie.

I just think you need to rework things like that, to make the vocab fit the message.
OP blackbladeX1X2 1 / 5  
Oct 28, 2009   #5
EF_Stephen
So you'd suggest that I make the tone a bit more serious?
soxfan 2 / 5  
Oct 28, 2009   #6
I would definitely make the essay as a whole more serious. I agree that you seem to skim over a very serious event. I'd go deeper into detail, explain some more of the story before he goes. You have about 70 words to play with so use them. I don't know about the situation personally, but a place that i could potentially see you going deeper in is HOW you helped him. Give another anecdote besides going to the movie. Going to the movie seems like a very laid back event, to make the essay more serious see if your other anecdote can be a more serious moment. Show more emotion in the essay, tell what you felt while helping him cope, it adds to the seriousness.

Hope this helped.
OP blackbladeX1X2 1 / 5  
Oct 28, 2009   #7
soxfan
Very much so. I'm rewriting the essay now. I'm flirting with the word limit right now. So I'm working diligently on it. I'm trying to work more seriousness into the essay, and more of my opinion, but the word limit is the thing that is killing me.
amandahart 4 / 15  
Oct 28, 2009   #8
little thing: his tears aren't streaming down FROM his face, just down his face
OP blackbladeX1X2 1 / 5  
Oct 28, 2009   #9
I revised my essay a bit. I think it still need a bit of work, but it is still a work in progress.

I'm about 10 words over the limit, but I still feel like it's missing something.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 28, 2009   #10
That is absolutely so much better.

Part of the reason you're missing something is because you are. But the subject is a big one, and the word limit prevents your explaining everything. That's why it feels that way.

We had a great time on that chilly January night, but it wouldn't last.

You can also leave this ut.the reader will, I think, assume that you had a good time if you didn't say otherwise.
OP blackbladeX1X2 1 / 5  
Oct 29, 2009   #11
My English teacher suggested that I take the essay and focus more on my contribution to UF, as opposed to the narrative. She says I have no problem telling a story and bringing out emotion in the story, but she thinks I should focus more on my contribution to UF. Below is my FINAL (hopefully) draft for submission to UF. I greatly appreciate all of the comments and suggestions I've received from everyone.


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