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At young age, my relationship with my father heavily influenced my choice in pursuing Nursing Major


MIGotyou 2 / 3  
Nov 28, 2008   #1
What do you guys think of my essay? Any suggestions?

At a young age, my relationship with my father heavily influenced my choice in pursuing nursing. I was very motivated to participate in volunteering during my undergraduate years. These activities helped develop effective skills to handle the arduous workload that nursing entails.

I had led a fairly normal life until the age of twelve when my parents divorced. Although my mother would visit me on a weekly basis, I lived with my father most of the time. Ever since the divorce, he became overweight and began to age. I wondered if the divorce affected him to an extent where he could no longer maintain a good health, and I could not help but empathize with him. As time progressed, he would later develop gout on his feet and would also experience swelling on his knees. Sometimes the pain would be so excruciating that he would have to skip work. Since he was alone, I had to nurse him by carrying him to a certain destination, cooking food, and providing company. My father reassured me that my company helped eased his pain and I felt elated that he felt better. From that instance, my father's influence impacted my decision to pursue nursing. I felt that nursing could help me make a difference in people's lives whether it would be large or small and allowed me the opportunity to alleviate suffering to the best of my abilities.

My experience with my father influenced me to take my studies seriously. One of the extracurricular activities I joined was Alpha Phi Omega, a co-ed service fraternity. This fraternity stressed the importance of two principles: leadership and service. These characteristics manifested within me. At one point, I was president and secretary of my pledge class and I guided members on their tasks and provided a positive and supportive environment. The fraternity also strengthened my interest to provide service to the community. I would often participate in services such as AIDS Walk or visit convalescent homes to help provide services to disadvantaged people. Leadership and service are personal qualities that should benefit any nurse.

My relationship with my father influenced my pursuit in nursing. Thus, I was very motivated to work hard and participate in volunteering. My first year was exhilarating and rewarding. I realized how truly versatile I was in handling the stress and arduous workload that college provides and I found characteristics and abilities that I have that should enable me to become a reliable and excellent nurse.
OP MIGotyou 2 / 3  
Nov 28, 2008   #2
I forgot the prompt

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
OP MIGotyou 2 / 3  
Nov 28, 2008   #3
Anything on grammar?
paircorner 2 / 2  
Dec 11, 2008   #4
In my opinion, there are no grammar mistake.
I can not see a conclusion here, I think you should have one. If there is a conclusion that I did not recognize, I think you should not combine it with the last paragraph, write it separately.

"Since he was alone, I had to nurse him by carrying him to a certain destination, cooking food, and providing company". In this sentence, I do not think you should use "I had to nurse him". With "had to", you, somehow, show that nursing your father is originally from your compulsory responsibility not the love of yours to your father. In my opinion, " I nurse him by..." is enough, no need to use "had to".

Ask more people to read your essay and you will receive more feedback which help you improve the essay
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 12, 2008   #5
Just a few things to correct:

My father reassured me that my company helped eased his pain, and I was elated to know that he felt better.

I felt that nursing could help me make a difference in people's lives, sometimes large and sometimes small , always allowing me the opportunity to alleviate suffering to the best of my abilities.


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