I think my 2 essays combined are like 13 words too long... so if you can shorten any redundant information for me, that'd be great! I kind of fell apart on the conclusion part... so that part might need more fixing. Thanks!
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
Nine years ago when I visited to Japan for the first time, I encountered my very first culture shock. Acting like how most Americans would hospitably greet a family member, I warmly embraced my grandfather at the train station. Little did I know that I just committed a culturally unacceptable act, though. Within seconds, half the passersby stared in shock with what I just did. I later learned that this is because in Japan, hugging is considered impolite, as is any other sort of physical contact because the societal standard is to be reasonably reserved. Alternatively, the conventional way to formally greet an elder is bowing since it is a gesture of respect.
Although I was severely scorned by my relatives for my lack of propriety, involving myself into this experience taught me to be open-minded about foreign concepts. I began to comprehend the differences between Western and Eastern cultures and realized how important it is to offend neither. Essentially, it enlightened me that culture plays a huge role in influencing people's behavior and mental constructs. It sparked my interest in the development of mankind and how social differences shift within a community to form an eclectic mix of nations in our world. This discovery of how cultures are established over the course of a nation's history intrigued me.
Because of my curiosity about cultural diversity, in high school, I joined the International Culture Club. My participation in this club challenged me to come out of my comfort zone to collaborate with other students with very different ethnic backgrounds. Many of the members were ESL students who struggled with the language barrier and were victims of being bullied on school grounds. I reached out to them, easing their transition into this new environment and would offer ideas to the Board to hold events that promoted culture exchange. As a domestic student, working with the ESL students on an intimate level encouraged me to develop a sense of unity among the student body.
Due to my engaging experience from this club, I solidified my passion for the study of human culture and knew that I wanted to seek a career involving working with people from a plethora of communities and regions. Although I initially applied as an International Studies major at UCI, I quickly learned that my major's academic work didn't consist of what I wanted to study because its primary focus is politics. Instead, I became fond of my anthropology classes that I took for general education. My favorite anthropology class, Global Cultures and Society, consisted of lesson plans that demonstrated an analytical approach to the psychological evolution of mankind and inspired me to reevaluate my perception of historical events as significant milestones in human relations. Completely changing my outlook on school, I no longer was merely memorizing notes from class, but instead school became a place for me to think critically about my interests. Everyday, I would look forward to attend to these lectures and be thrilled to gain a further understanding of humankind. With that said, I am certain that what I want to study is anthropology. To fulfill my goal in becoming a cultural anthropologist, I value the pursuit of a higher education at a top notch school like your university, where I'll be given additional resources to join remarkable research programs.
Your essay is well written and interesting!
Things you could shorten or simplify:
Nine years ago when I visited to Japan for the first time The first time I visited Japan was nine years ago I experienced major culture shock.
involving myself into this experience taught me Shorten to: this experience taught me...
and realized how important it is to offend neither. I know what you are saying, but I would word it differently.
My participation in this club challenged me to come out of my comfort zone, and I learned to collaborate with other students with very different ethnic backgrounds
Conclusion: It sounds good, be sure to explain that you are a person with a plan, that you have short term and long term goals. Good luck in school!
