Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
In the summer of 2004 I went to my first Boy Scout camp, which was Camp Whitsett in the Kern Valley, and I remember wanting to go home. Immediately. It was a world I was ill prepared for: no air conditioning, no cell phones, no internet, no beds, no flushing toilets. My scoutmaster dragged me into the lake with the help of the other scouts, and my desire never to go in again left me with goosebumps and painful memories of the freezing temperature. The thin air of the high altitude cut my energy and dampened my soul. The sun, turgid with unbearable heat, decided to let everything loose. I felt heavy, dirty, sour and sweaty; all on the first day. I thought I was in hell.
During the beginning of that week-long trip, Ventura was closest in my mind yet farthest from my presence. I missed my family and sitting in a dark room with only my XBox and my hot pockets. I yearned to go back so I would never be obligated to stretch outside my comfort zone-a world free from duty and rife with cheap pleasures.
With the following days at camp, that perception changed. The sun softened its glare and the air no longer felt thin. I jumped into the freezing lake without being compelled by my troop. I was too busy running in my steel-toed boots towards the next activity to notice the clouds of dust that caked and choked the air around me. I learned that the trees had different names. I learned how to handle and shoot with a .22mm rifle, throw a tomahawk, and kayak all the way across the lake. The excitement I felt from the camp staff catalyzed my enthusiasm. Though I was forced to do things I was never familiar with, I derived pleasure from it. Little did I know, I was having fun.
The job application that I will submit in December, 2010 marks the fourth year that I will be applying as Camp Whitsett staff. The enjoyment I felt there stuck with me even through high school; I have made friends with scouts from as far as Las Vegas, fellow staff members who are in universities statewide, and grizzled Eagle Scouts brimming in experience. The time I have spent outdoors and with like-minded people around me has taught me not only the skills needed to survive but also the importance of those who taught me how to survive.
Since that day in 2004, I have stretched myself to try new things. I learned that the experience benefits me, even though I may be scared at first. I tried a poetry contest and won a prize. I joined the debate team and went all the way to the state competition. I took more honors classes and enjoyed every minute of it.
More importantly, I pledged to give back to others and help them try new things. I have spent entire summers since that day to give back to that one scout, one who is scared to be exposed to new things like I used to be, so that they see the benefits of a new experience before quitting so soon.
Personally, I think the idea behind your essay is very strong, but it doesn't flow too well. Try reading what you wrote out loud, and you might see what I mean. In personal essays like these, you should try and make your tone conversational. Also, make your beginning sentence really reach out and grab some attention! The beginning sets the tone for the essay as a whole, and shouldn't be so wordy. For example, it doesn't really help the essay to know that Camp Whitsett in Kern Valley, or that you went there in 2004. Cut the extra info and edit it after reading out loud and I genuinely think you have a winner.
Though I was forced to do things I was never not familiar with, ...
or
Though I was forced to do things I had never become familiar with, I derived ...
I learned that the each experience benefits me, even though I may be scared at first. ---This sentence did not make sense to me until I changed that word...
Okay, this has a cool theme. I think it is pretty strong. You do SHOW the reader your insight about perseverance, because the story demonstrates that you have had an experience that makes you aware of the way you can benefit if you do not quit. Also, you have great imagery words, like sour and sweaty and "sun softened its glare.." Good stuff here...
:-)
