Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, comtribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Patience, cooperation, teamwork. These are the attributes I adapted to when I began to work in a group of aspiring musicians. In the world of performing arts, I noticed how every musician must work with one another to create the beautiful intonation of melodies and harmonies in music. Intrigued by the melodies and harmonies created by the rich sound of music, I began to perform in a string orchestra as a young girl and continued to perform to this present day. I believe music is similar to a foreign language; only those who are truly passionate about music can understand. My musical talent and character are the key factors to describing who I am and how I can be different from others.
I was first introduced to the violin when I was nine years old during a music concert at my elementary school. Captivated by the performance, I decided that I wanted to become a musician and to be a part of a string orchestra. After the day I took my first lesson, I worked hard and practiced regularly because I dreamed of becoming the best violinist. Many of my peers, at the time, have complimented on my talent so I took the initiative to audition for honors orchestra. The experience was mind opening because I discovered that there was so much more to learn. By the time I was a high school student, my technique and intonation improved from much practice and hard work, so I decided to take up a challenge and switch from the violin to viola because I wanted to expand my knowledge on music.
In a high school orchestra, the pieces of music are much more difficult and challenging because of the various grades and styles of music. I felt extremely frustrated because, at times, I would not be able to cite-read as easily as my peers or I would see that none of the members of the orchestra would be working together. From the experience I had in performing arts, I learned to be patient with others as well as myself because some musicians need more time to practice a section of a song while others do not have the same need; therefore, we all need to help one another as a group. I was also taught to be cooperative with my peers because a successful orchestra embodies musicians who listen to one another for the melody while supporting it with the harmony. Considering the verifiable truth that a string orchestra is not about one's individuality, but rather one's collaboration, I grew accustomed to patience, cooperation, and teamwork.
Preparing for a concert is an arduous task, but in the end, I feel proud of myself and of the orchestra because we, as a group, executed a great performance for the audience by applying teamwork and being patient and cooperative. I appreciated the experience of participating in a string orchestra and switching instruments because I had the opportunity to be introduced to many other musicians and to expand my knowledge of music. Embracing the world of performing arts, I have been taught three valuable qualities that describe my character: patience, cooperation, and teamwork. Music lead to the different characteristics that describe who I am today.
thank you for taking your time to read my esssay. your comments and feedback are very much appreciated.
Just a structural commment: when you list your three character traits describing you I would place them in order which they appear. For the first sentence you might want to combine the first and second because the first is not a complete sentence. (Unless, you were using it to grab the attention of the reader?) Where is the cooperation and teamwork? Is the reader supposed to infer from this? I am not sure what you're trying to say here?
the beautiful intonation of melodies and harmonies in music. Intrigued by the melodies and harmonies created by the rich sound of music,
omit the red.
The experience was mind opening because
"mind opening"... i dont know it just doesnt sound right to me... maybe replace it with enlightening or eye opening... something to do with reaching nirvana will work =D
Many of my peers, at the time, have complimented on my talent
You are switching between past and present tense here. "Many of my peers complimented me on my talent"
From the experience I had in performing arts, I learned to be patient with others as well as myself because
OK, so this confused me, but I am sure you meant to say "From the experiences in performing arts, I learned to be patient with others as well as myself because" This sentence is also too long... so consider revising it a bit. I would suggest putting a period after "myself" and starting a new sentence.
About the last couple of sentences... I would consider re-writing them altogether because you are just restating your thesis, which is good for school essays, but not so much for college admission essays. Instead you should focus more on the impact of your experiences in musical arts and how it has impacted your future. They already know what traits you gained, they want to know more about what impact those traits have on your future goals.
Hope this helps :] ( I like the idea by the way... i wish i learned an instrument :[ )
@jrecarpenter
the structure of my essay was supposed to be formatted: intro, introducing my talent, stating my qualities, and conclusion. so to answer your question, cooperation and teamwork is in the third body paragraph. from my essay i wanted to present my talent and the qualities I gained from it.
@zashkon
thank you for the revision and its not too late to learn how to play an instrument.
