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UC Prompt #2- Learning a guitar



stepupThreads: 2
Posts: 9
Author: Andrew Berumen
   
Nov 26, 2009, 11:45pm   #1
Word Count: 328 (prompt #1 is 639)

This essay is just a rough draft. I still have much work to do on it before I turn it in. I hit writer's block on it, and it's difficult staying within the 1000 word limit for the application. I also have a question on the UC application: Are you supposed to space/indent paragraphs?

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I strum a G chord on my instrument. It sounds ...

SEE BELOW



tongyanThreads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Tong Yan
   
Nov 26, 2009, 11:53pm   #2
Hi I don't have time to go over it in depth, but I do have something to say.

Your last sentence about making friends doesn't really fit with your essay if its about working hard for a goal.

I wish you best of luck and happy thanksgiving :)


ohiostateThreads: 1
Posts: 4
Author: Alan Yuan
   
Nov 27, 2009, 12:22am   #3
I think your essay lacks a bit of cohesion. The connectivity between each sentence seemed to be a bit lacking. But I also must say, the last sentence doesn't fit your essay.
I liked your vivid details, and overall the essay was quit nice.
GJ


cache189Threads: 3
Posts: 13
   
Nov 27, 2009, 12:41am   #4
There is no "supposed to" in indenting/spacing. It would probably be better, just cause it's easier on the eyes, though.

So, I'm not sure if I can say that this essay altogether answers the question. You do say that playing guitar has forced you to get a job, so that does work for how it relates to you as a person. However, you don't even really go into depth about playing guitar, like how it has changed you and made you the person you are. Although I love the details, they may be less important than answering the prompt. You may want to shorten your other essay to make this essay sufficient. :)


So, I was wondering if you could take a look at my essay. If you could just click on my username and have a look at the thread titled "Prompt 1: What school has done to me!", I would be honored! :)
Best of luck!


stepupThreads: 2
Posts: 9
Author: Andrew Berumen
   
Nov 27, 2009, 05:29pm   #5
Yeah, I'll try and shorten the first essay. Though it's tough, I've already shortened it up a bunch.


wolf314Threads: 2
Posts: 5
Author: SY
   
Nov 27, 2009, 07:38pm   #6
I think your essay has great imagery, but you sort of jump around. When I read the first two sentences, I thought you were going to talk about actually learning the guitar. Then I see this other paragraph just giving me a description on how you turn on your guitar. I think if you take out that second paragraph, and talk more about the trails you had to face to learn the guitar, your essay would be stronger. I hope this helps.
GL


sonic_fanrsThreads: 1
Posts: 4
Author: Robert VanDrimmelen
   
Nov 27, 2009, 07:46pm   #7
I had to make a choice: I had to stop taking lessons or get a job.

Not sure but maybe this would be better:

"I had to make a choice: stop taking lessons or get a job."


"The supple red toned wood masterpiece was a beauty ever since my eyes gazed upon it."
--That doesn't quite 'flow', in my opinion

maybe, "I thought the supple red-toned wood masterpiece was a beauty ever since my eyes gazed upon it." (I think red-toned should be hyphenated).



also, I don't think the last sentence fits.... and I'm not quite sure what you mean by the tuition went up and why/how that affected you but maybe that's just me and everyone else understands. lol

Good luck


sonic_fanrsThreads: 1
Posts: 4
Author: Robert VanDrimmelen
   
Nov 27, 2009, 09:58pm   #8
This is what I would do.

It sounds so majestic; the note sings in my soul.

These calluses are my trophies; they represent the pain I endured over the years.


Two years ago I never truly had a hobby. My parents never encouraged me to grow a hobby until I was a teenager.
can't really 'grow' a hobby



Learning to play an instrument has been incredibly rewarding to for me. I have been taught a skills that not quite sure of the that/which rule. Perhaps 'which' would sound better here? I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Being committed and dedicated are some other consequences I will carry with me the rest of my life. By learning guitar, I have not only learned a new instrument, but I have learned valuable lessons of commitment and dedication; these skills will be with me throughout the rest of my life.



I found this ALOT better than the first draft. It was much easier to understand. =)


stepupThreads: 2
Posts: 9
Author: Andrew Berumen
   
Nov 27, 2009, 11:18pm   #9
This is my revision:
I strum a G chord on my instrument. It sounds so majestic; note sings in my soul. I never want the sound to end. I look at my rough and calloused fingertips. Ah, the memories! These calluses are my trophies; they represent the pain I endured over the years. I challenged myself and marveled at the work I put into it. Playing the guitar the last two years has been a great achievement of mine.
My fingers strike down on the metallic strings. Two years ago I never truly had a hobby. My parents never encouraged me to attain a hobby until I was a teenager. Since I had friends who have played the guitar, I decided to follow in their footsteps. Learning the guitar has come with many challenges. My first challenge was my parents wanted me to earn my guitar. Over several months I toiled endlessly with chores and menial housework. On my birthday, my parents wrapped an oddly shaped present and handed it to me. What they handed to me was a beautiful guitar. The guitar was a supple red-toned masterpiece. Earning that guitar took precious work. I learned the value of hard work and dedication. I still cherish that guitar today.
Learning to play was a difficult challenge. When I arrived at the guitar studio my first day, I was surrounded by numerous contraptions for many instruments that I could not even pronounce the name of. Luckily, my teacher Ryan took me under his wing and became a wonderful teacher and a great friend. He led me through months of frustration and nipping pain in my fingertips. He explained to me how everyone endures the same difficulties and it would soon pass. Being committed I am glad I listened to Ryan and did not give up, because now I am quite skilled at playing.
Learning to play an instrument has been incredibly rewarding for me. I have been taught skills which I will carry with me the rest of my life. By learning guitar, I have not only learned a new instrument, but I have learned valuable lessons of commitment and dedication; lessons I will carry with me the rest of my life.


nogasaThreads: 14
Posts: 69
Author: Nick Ogasa
   
Nov 28, 2009, 12:22am   #10
"I learned the value of hard work and dedication. I still cherish that guitar today."

It might help if you start off one of the sentences with a different word than "I" because it sounds kind of repetitive, or maybe combine them. I noticed you have a lot of simple sentences, i suggest maybe try combining a few of them to flow better, unless you like it that way. Good luck!




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