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UC Prompt #1&2 - My Father, a trombone, and I.


xyzabc 1 / -  
Nov 28, 2009   #1
Prompt #1:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.


The day my father went back to work was also the same day he was laid off. Having worked at a mechanical factory, he underwent surgery due to a battle he was caught up in. He was already suffering as a Vietnam War veteran. It could've cost him his life. Fortunately, the surgery went well but the employer did not allow him to work. This was a turning point that would affect our family in the future because he was forced to resign and my mom had to stay home and take care of him. The long scar that runs across his back is a tattoo of stitched up memories that are locked away and not to be mentioned.

My father recently retold this story to me for the first time. With the secret lurking around and waiting to reveal itself, he finally opened up and retold the story just once. My father often tells me to help out people in need, even if it means hurting myself in the process. Karma is the theory he lives by; what goes around comes around, what goes up, must come down. Seventeen years into my life and there were many obstacles. Karma has followed through and I was there to witness it.

I prefer to be the person to lend a hand, not asking for it. I aspire to be the one that will make an impact on one's life tremendously. He tells me to seize every opportunity I can, in order to take off with great anticipation. . I seized an opportunity throughout high school, by being an International Baccalaureate certificate candidate. It is definitely a vigorous workload. It had taught me something that my father tried so hard to do, yet failed: time management. With everything coming all at once, it is difficult to stay on top of things persistently. I have to then learn how to take initiative with perseverance. My father has once been in a dilemma involving technology. He paid an unnecessary and large sum to fix a laptop. The technician only rebooted the laptop and it worked like a charm. This triggered my father's determination into doing things on his own, for the knowledge and to prevent another unnecessary event from happening. Over time, my father has learned how to fix and build computers. He now has others coming to him for help and he feels accomplished. I feel that love and happiness are one of the most impacting emotions humans can have. It is a virtue and a state of mind.

Prompt #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?


The pain was excruciating. Lips pressed against the cold metal, vibrating. Hands in contact with the gold metal, swayed back and forth. Translucent sounds flowing against the rhythm of feeling. The pain is real, stop abrupt. Applause. With a pleased smile plastered on my face, I bent forward ninety degrees, my head hanging above my knees. More applause. The feeling of warmth and pleasure engulfed me until the very end. The curtains finally closed down on me and reopened just to see me in my room. Reality has finally exposed itself.

"You can't even pick up that thing!" is the common reaction of most people when I told them I wanted to play the trombone. I developed a strong attachment to the wind brass. The loud horn is capable of revealing its inner strength. At the age of ten, I started showing interest towards the trombone. In fifth grade, a variety of instruments were being introduced and experimented with, such as the clarinet, trumpet, and violin. The trombone, however, stood out to me the most. I could not recall why I was so fond of it, even though I've always had trouble playing it. Most of the time, I couldn't blow into the mouth piece because I lack the air. My small and weak petite frame back in elementary school simply couldn't handle the large metal instrument. Yet, I never gave up on it. I constantly pester my father into buying me one. During weekly family functions, he jokingly comments on how I wanted one. They all simply laughed and told me how naïve I was. I did not listen though, and was finally on the search for one. From then on, I have played it until I was a freshman in high school.

During the early years of my life, the trombone marked a rebellious side of the shy and quiet me. This rebellion isolated me from my peers. I isolate myself from them because I need to become more independent rather than to be dependent on others. I'm ambivalent yet optimistic when it came to decisions. I knew I couldn't handle a situation on my own. I would always choose the easy route out rather than some complicated, never-ending spiral leading to my doom. The trombone is big. I am not. I wanted to hold things that were larger than life itself; I would not let an opportunity fly by without taking a firm grasp on its wings and making it become mine. I can only keep striving for success; it definitely will not come naturally. Throughout this time, I've learned how to be open to new ideas and criticism, because criticism is a concept that has to be adapted to; it cannot be ignored. I cherish my personal accomplishments. I want to embrace myself in such a way that would not disappoint others; especially my family. I can apply this to my studies at the University of California through the people I meet. I hope I can influence others into stepping out of their comfort zone and experiencing something new. Having a bold mindset is the key to making things happen.

Feedback, please and thank you :) Criticism, suggestions, and honesty is wanted!
astronaut 2 / 10  
Nov 28, 2009   #2
I feel like the first one jumps around a lot and doesn't focus as much as it should on the question itself. The prompt "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations," but you only talk about your aspirations in one sentence.

Also, at the end, when you suddenly bring in "My father has once been in a dilemma involving technology. He paid an unnecessary and large sum to fix a laptop." This is an introduction of a whole new topic. I think you should just stick to one focus. Maybe you could elaborate more on how your father's surgery and laying off affected you.

The laptop story is a bit confusing, and I'm not sure how this sentence : "I feel that love and happiness are one of the most impacting emotions humans can have" connects to it.

I prefer to be the person to lend a hand, not the one asking for it.
he underwent surgery due to a battle he was caught up in. <---be more specific here. what battle was he caught up in?
There are more grammatical errors, go over them with a teacher!

Just my two cents, good luck!


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