This is one of my first drafts of the essay.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Dinner brings my family together. It is the one time of the day when everyone sets time aside to be together, even if on some days it means eating quietly together. Tonight, my dad, my mom, my brother, and I are sitting down to enjoy one of my mom's new recipes. As we eat rather quickly, the conversation turns to the day's events.
"I'm going to Fry's to get a sound card for my computer. Does anyone want to come with me?" my dad asks. For as long as I can remember, he has built the computers we use at home. His passion for computers stems from his interest in science, math, and technology - subjects that are also interests of mine. My dad's friends are aware of his expertise, and often turn to him when they need some help with their computers. When asked, my dad never hesitates to offer his help.
"Sure, I'll come", my younger brother eagerly responds. He then calls to attention the recent rainy weather. My brother became interested in weather when he was in first grade, and he took it upon himself to read about the subject. Even in first grade, he would explain to his friends' moms why there was going to be rain the next day. His dedication, especially at such a young age, amazes me. Moreover, he continues to follow the weather now and has continued to learn about weather.
"What do you think about this new dish?" my mom interjects. She has always been adventurous with her cooking, eager to try out new recipes and different cuisines. Her open minded approach to food has influenced me in multiple ways. I have grown up eating different foods, and as a result I am not a picky eater. More importantly, she has helped me view the world with an open mind. I do not form an opinion on something that I have not experienced, and am willing to meet new people and travel to new places. When it comes to her cooking, my mom is a bit of a perfectionist, a trait that I have inherited. She is rarely content with her food, always noting the lack of salt or the slight imbalance in spices in a dish. However, she never lets this prevent her from trying new things, and always gives her best attempt when cooking.
After genuinely complementing my mom's food - she is a good cook, though she does not admit it - everyone puts their plates in the dishwasher and goes back to their work. As I put my plate away, I realize how much my family has influenced my goals in life. Since I was young, I knew that I wanted to be an engineer just like my dad. However, I was not sure which branch of engineering I wanted to pursue. My family has never told me what I should study in college, but their influence has led me to an interest in biomedical engineering. Like my dad, I am interested in science and technology and want to utilize my knowledge to help others. My brother has taught me that dedication to learning about subjects one loves can provide one with lifelong knowledge. I aspire to study biomedical engineering as well as other subjects that interest me. My mother's creativity and open mindedness have helped me approach problems with multiple strategies, a characteristic that is beneficial for an engineer. Though we may spend less time together now, my family has had a great impact on my dreams and goals, as I was reminded during dinner.
Please be brutal and honest. I really just hit a rut while writing this, so I thought some feedback would help me finish this up. I think that I may not be explaining enough, but you can be the judge of that. Thanks in advance.
Thanks Dan, here's my revision.
SEE ABOVE
I've noticed that I use "knowledge" multiple times. Any suggestions to reduce the number of uses would be appreciated.
Also, I'm currently at 630 words. I think that the final paragraph may be too verbose, so I'd like to trim that paragraph down (I think the rest of the paragraphs would be hard to shorten). Thanks in advance.
Great essay! I think that the last paragraph is good, I think it helps tie together everything and that you should simply leave it as it is.
You could change ..."he continues to follow the weather now and has kept up with his knowledge of weather." to "he continues to follow the weather now and has continued to observe the weather."
it is the one time of the day when everyone sets time aside to be together, even it(?) do you mean if? on some days it means eating quietly together.
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it has helped me realize how important my family really is to me. the ending is a little weak compare to your overall essays
Oh man, this is really good- seriously!!
i'm so jealous.
could you critique my essay if you get a chance please? thanx :)
Thanks for the suggestions.
I do not form an opinion on something that I have not experienced, and am willing to meet new people and travel to new places.
I am considering removing the italicized sentence. Thanks for any suggestions/corrections.
