This is my essay that I want to use for a couple of supps! I need massive help with grammar.
I'm going to put X instead of my name!
The prompt: Write about a time you found something you weren't looking for.
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Ever since I was a kid, I hated crying. When tears roll down my face I would tilt my head upwards, so that the tears would go back in my eyes. For me, showing tears was a sign of weakness. It was an embarrassing act only reserved for 'losers' or 'kids' who clearly do not know how to control themselves.
But I broke down, the day before my graduation. My deputy principal had quietly summoned me, and without a break, told me that she could not help me with my college application fee waiver request. After two months of patiently waiting, was that all that she could tell me? Unable to control my overwhelming anger and despair, I burst into tears.
That was it. I could not apply to American universities. My two years of hope came crashing down. Like a 'loser,' I bawled my eyes out inside the school office.
Feeling extremely dizzy and miserable, I sat down in the empty cafeteria, arms crossed, face down. Where am I going to get the money from? How am I going to tell father about it? Where is he going to get money from? The more I thought about, the more hopeless the situation seemed.
At that moment, I felt a little tingle on my shoulder. I looked up. Anna Z, a Chinese fresh-off-the-boat junior and my best friend.
"What happened to you???" Anna almost screamed, pointing at my swollen, bloody red eyes.
"Oh, nothing... Ms. S didn't write the letter. You know... I need that," I replied, with my awfully cracked voice. By that time, I had gained control over my emotions. I could tell her about it without foolishly stuttering.
Anna's face darkened as I explained to her what had happened. She muttered "No way," and pulled my arms to hug me. She knew exactly what I needed. We did not exchange a single word after that.
The next day, during the chaotic graduation photo time, Anna came to say good-bye to me.
"You're going to keep in touch with me, aren't you Anna?" I asked carefully, holding my pinky out. Anna nodded and crossed her pinky with mine.
"I got a present for you, X. But can you promise me that you won't open it until you get home?" Anna said, smiling, showing her cutest dimples on her cheeks. Then she took a white envelope out of her pocket. The envelope had an awkward yet cute writing on it, in Korean.
'X! Home, open.'
I gave her a good hug and thanked her for her sweet letter. The letter felt unusually thick, but I did not give much thought about it.
After the long day, I finally said good-bye to all my seventy seven mates and hauled myself to my car. Before I started the engine, I remembered Anna's letter.
It should be fine to open now. She's not around. Using my car key, I cautiously opened the envelope, and glanced into it.
A two-page letter...and ten fifty dollar notes.
'X, take my savings from three years. And no, I'm not paying you. I'm investigating on the future Einstein.'
I cried.
Whatever I write please don't mind. I am just trying to help. Also, my thoughts are my perspective. So please don't feel bad.
One thing which I really appreciate about your essay is that you haven broken the paragraphs.
Ok,
Please don't talk about your weakness, never do. Talk about your strengths.eg Use words like challenge instead of pressure.
Don't use the word but, it's very negative. You may use however, although, well. Go to dictionary.com.
The colleges want to see the real you, the stronger and appealing you. Not the weak you.
I feel the theme is weak, still very touching and emotional.
I disagree. I think that as long as you show your strengths as well as your weaknesses, its good. Colleges want to see that you have overcome weakness and they want to see that you are a real person. If you're applying to Harvard, Yale and UChicago, obviously you already have a lot of strengths that they can see in your grades, activities, etc.
This is very well written and I think its a great topic.
This is a very touching piece. However, you start off by saying you hate crying, and then in the second paragraph you start crying. You may disagree, but i feel that in this instance, those tears are tears of anger and frustration - tears of weakness. But when you say "I cried" at the end of this essay, you cry not out of weakness, but because you feel the power of friendship and love. These are different forms of crying, and I feel that, for the sake of the overall "wholeness" of your essay, the second paragraph detracts, rather than adds, to your thematic concerns.
At least, that is how I interpret it. If you don't mind changing the information of your essay (and possibly skewing the facts a little bit), I would suggest you say that you were able to hold back your tears after hearing what the principal tells you.
If you don't mind changing the information of your essay (and possibly skewing the facts a little bit), I would suggest you say that you were able to hold back your tears after hearing what the principal tells you.
Thank you so much! I was stuck in that part too. It seemed that my essay was going nowhere. You're spot on! Hey do you think I should go on and expand a little more after the ending? I thought it was somewhat self explanatory - that I was moved by my friend. But some others told me that my essay was off-topic and does not address the question. The question is about finding something that I didn't intend to find, and I thought that in the surface, I literally found money in the letter which I wasn't looking for. In the deeper level, I found Anna's love and true friendship! Do you think I have to add a couple more sentences saying that I find all this? Or shall I leave the ending to what it is now? I thought "I cried." was enough to convey my emotions...
Please give me some advice! Thank you :D
I thought "I cried." was enough to convey my emotions...
For me, it does convey everything you're trying to say, and i'm pretty sure admissions officers will catch that. if you add an explanation at the end, the essay might lose its punch. Then again, to be safe, it might benefit you if you relate ur essay to the prompt a little more clearly, but you should definitely do this before the last paragraph... maybe say something like:
Using my car key, I cautiously opened the envelope, and glanced into it.
I found something I would never have expected.something like that, its a bit chunky, but i hope it gives you some idea of how to approach this problem. i don't think its absolutely necessary, but its up to you!
So, what exactly did you find?
I liked the essay but after it was over, i was also thinking what you actually found. I really do love Levin's idea about putting "I found something..." It makes the ending stronger and helps you stay in touch with the question.
Some questions i was just wondering-
Did you apply to 10 different schools?
Do none of them have application fee waivers? If it is not mentioned in the website, you could still ask if they can waive the fee because of your financial situation?
The schools should have them if they have generous aid. And i am guessing you are applying to those types of schools.
