This is my essay for Stanford Exchange Program. I'm not English native. Please help me about grammar and make it more beautiful and flow. This is so important to me. I also wonder is this story good enough for the topic. Every ideas and edits are really appreciate:)
Please write a response to ONE of the prompts below in English. The answer should be between 500-700 words.
3) Describe a turning point in your life. Why is it so important to you, and what would your life have become without that that turning point?
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When my sister turned to face and gave me a last smile before she entered the departure gate, I felt my heart sink. I did not see her at all for the 10 months that she has studied abroad. I only wished for her safety and hoped that she got a great experience. But there was one little voice in my mind that told me that I was afraid. I was afraid that she would not be my same sister who I knew so well, my sister who I had shared all my happiness and grief with. I knew that this was one of the significant moments in her life, but I never thought that it would be a turning point in mine as well.
This is the first time my sister went abroad so we always kept in touch with each other. However, every phone call, her clear happy voice made our worries disappear. Also, each e-mail, they filled with wonderful experience. I saw her rapid growth. I admired her effort to make her dream came true. Also, this made me saw my weakness that I always neglected. However it's not strong enough to change me. One day we made a call again. My sister and I shared many things happening to each other. We talked, teased and laughed. I joked about her weight by caring about her health. Suddenly my turning point came. Before she hung up on the call the last sentences she talked to me "Don't play to much computer, dear. There are load of wonderful things to do for life"
This statement pierced my heart. How could such a simple sentence make such an impact? It pointed out my reconsidering life. Time management would become a priority. It was time to take action. Leaving my fantasy land for the real world would make a difference in my life. Being a good student with good grades, being a team player and a responsible daughter were already in place. But I considered that was not enough to fulfill my expectation about myself. Although my sister didn't verbalize this, through her actions she illustrated this and the ways of the world for me. Looking back, it always appeared that she was a natural success because her efforts. My sister who is younger than me for five years woke me up and taught me about who I was and who I wanted to become. Now, I was not afraid my sister will be stranger. But it was turned to terrible fear that maybe I'm not good enough to be her sister anymore. At that point, I committed to being a better person for her, for myself, and for us.
Releasing the fear, I take more chances. Taking responsibility for myself and my life, from now on, I welcome new opportunities. For example, I attended to pharmacy for society and camped out to North-Eastern of Thailand. I got experience that I never met before. I closed to local people and understand them so much better. I offered myself to professor to help her research project. I challenge so many new things every day and proud to tell myself this is first step of my enjoyable life. I feel everything is so much brighter in my eyes. I wondered I can do great many things in this time.
Without her spark, I don't know how long I had growth and maturity. All of these good experiences I have got, have to appreciate her. She not only put me in deep consideration to discover my inner self but also to push me so hard forward to reach my goals. Not only visible growth but also in mental growth is invaluable. I believe turning point can come into everybody' lives, it's without fanfare or any announcement to express itself. But it is never be true turning point without deep understanding. This is my important turning point because it came with my realization about who I am, what my mistakes were in the past, and what I want to do in the future. My sister and her experience give this wonderful gift which can make me realize because our love for each other.
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Its over word limit. I think I should focus on my turning point more than write about my sister but I don't know which sentences should cut off.
Thank you very much, I will check it every time I can:)
When my sister turned to face and gave mea last smile before she entered the departure gate, I felt my heart sInk. I have not seen her for alldid not see her at all for the 10 months that she has studied abroad.
Thank you very much, Intindian. I will wait for you!
This is so important to me and I know it needs a lot of improvement. Please help, any edits and ideas from everyone are appreciate:)
Please, someone else help me. I can't rewrite it now, it needs improvement in other paragraphs too! I want to rewrite it very soon! Please give me more advice, my deadline is so close^^"
Also, each e-mail, they fulfilled with wonderful experience.
you should say 'Also, each e-mail filled my heart with joyous relief' or something a long those lines, your wording doesn't make much sense.
hope this helped.
Hopefully this will offer some help. This is an edited version of the 3rd last paragraph and the 1st sentence of the 2nd last paragraph.
This statement pierced my heart. How could such a simple statement make such an impact? It pointed out the importance of releasing the mundane and reconsidering my life. It was time to take action. Time management, although not a strong suit, would become a priority. Leaving my fantasy land for the real world would make a difference in my life. Being a good student with top level grades was already in place. Being a team player and a responsible daughter came naturally. Inner happiness and peace were part of my internal makeup. Organization, an area which challenged me, would be a new priority. Although my sister didn't verbalize this, through her actions she illustrated this and the ways of the world for me. Looking back, it always appeared that she was a natural success. In spite of the fact that she is five years my junior, she enlightened me and taught me about who I was and who I wanted to become. No longer did my sister seem unfamiliar and distant. Rather I feared not measuring up to standards worthy of being her older sister. At that point, I committed to being a better person for her, for myself, and for us.
Releasing the fear, I would take more chances. Taking responsibility for myself and my life, I would welcome new opportunities.
Thank you very much! lilminkzmayb and volkswagon17! Any edits and ideas are always very appreciate. This essay still need a lot of improvments, I will rewrite it again-_-"
With no fear, I don't miss any opportunities . Taking responsibility for my life, I have the courage to accept challenges an d many new things. For example, I attended to pharmacy for society and camped out to North-Eastern of Thailand (what does this part mean? You went to school for pharmacy?) .
For all of these good experiences I have got, have to appreciate her.
She not only put me in deep consideration to discover my inner self but also to push me so hard forward to reach my goals. Not only visible growth but also in mental growth is invaluable. I believe turning points can come into everybody' lives, even without fanfare or any announcement to express itself. But it never is a true turning point without deep understanding. This is my important ...
This is such a nice essay, my friend, Twinkle! You'll do very well!! Read aloud in English, a little every day, and you will be very good at it!
Thank you very much, EF_Kevin! Yes, I'm pharmacy student. But my english is still not good. Also, thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot:) I rewrite it again:) How's about it. I worried about my conclusion most. And my deadline is very close! Any edit and idea are very appreciate.
I rewrite it again:) How's about it. I worried about my conclusion most. And my deadline is very close! Any edit and idea are very appreciate
Thank you!
