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Trying new things/ Skating; Leadership based SCHOLARSHIP/ Experience


chocolateshoppe 5 / 19 4  
Jan 5, 2013   #1
Prompt: Describe one memorable event or experience which provided you with a new outlook on life.

This is for a leadership-based scholarship, does this essay work well with the concept of leadership or no?
It's okay as far as content goes, but is my message coming across to you?

Please correct any mistakes THANK YOU

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Zip lining, talent shows, and rock-climbing: ideas that would have been completely alien to my old self, but nothing new to my new self. I used to think that my goal in life was to focus on the things I'm good at and to excel at them. I rarely ventured out of my little bubble, my safe haven. "Will I look dumb trying this if I have never done so before?" goes the question that echoed in my mind whenever I was faced with something new. However, I came upon an astounding revelation: I was afraid of trying new things for fear of making mistakes and looking dumb. I suppose this affects everybody to some extent but my revelation made me realize that I was not living life to its fullest extent. I mean, what's life without some mistakes to learn from? A dull one, that's what. It was not so much that I needed to make more mistakes, but rather that I gain more from this heck of an exciting world. How would I know what I'm good at if I don't try it out? This revelation changed my outlook on life. This all came about one very special day: December 27, 2010.

It was a cloudless winter day, and the white snow covered the ground for as far as the eye could see. Cheeks red from the cold and smiling from ear to ear, I was skating at an outdoor rink with my good friend from elementary school. She had called me the night before, inviting me and telling me about the skates her uncle had given her for Christmas. Even though she had only skated once or twice in the entirety of her life, she was totally willing to give it a shot. "Sure!" I told her, "I love skating." Taking her first couple of shaky steps on the ice, she flailed her arms trying to keep up upright. Barely able to contain my laughter, I guffawed when she went down and landed on her bum. Not looking embarrassed nor sheepish at all, I found her grinning up at me. She came up laughing, and continued to skate. After another four or five falls, I was becoming amused by the number of looks she was getting. With a wave of her hand, she laughed and said, "let them look all they want, I'm going to fall enough that I'll never fall again! I'll be a world-renowned skater." And so, infected by her undeniable cheerfulness, I fell with her. We laughed and giggled all the way through. I did not care that I was falling and that I was looking foolish. It was winter break! And that's when it hit me. Why couldn't I have this attitude all the time?

My friend reminded me of the care free and easy-going nature of my childhood. I spent days playing with mud, climbing trees, and going on adventures with my brother. Nothing was quite like it. I had absolutely no care in the world. I made mistakes, I fell a lot, I got my clothes dirty, but I was enjoying life way too much to worry about these petty details. I realized that this was my true self. It had gotten locked away inside me because of the stress of wanting to meet the high expectations of everyone around me; my family, my peers, my teachers. My friend gave me the encouragement to stay true to myself, to make mistakes and not be scared of the outcome. She has restored my sense of adventure, my fearlessness and my desire to try new things. My originally straight path has now branched into so many more possibilities because I realize, by trying new things, I could be so much more. I know now that I cannot let mistakes deter me from living the full potential of my life. I learned that mistakes are to be treasured, because they can tell me a lot about myself and I can improve based on these mistakes.

Albeit I still don't welcome mistakes with open arms, they no longer have such great control over me. I learned to appreciate my mistakes; I learn from them, I laugh at them and I certainly do not shy away from them like a panicked bat caught in the sunlight. Live, love, laugh. That's my motto. You only live once, after all.
lornam 3 / 16 3  
Jan 6, 2013   #2
"Will I look dumb trying this if I have never done so before?" goes the question that echoed in my mind

I suppose this affects everybody to some extent, (insert comma) but my revelation made me realize that I was not living life to its fullest extent.

You repeat "extent" twice in this sentence - I would recommend dropping the second one since it's both redundant and unnecessary.

This revelation changed my outlook on life. This all came about one very special day: December 27, 2010.

Might be just me, but one of my pet peeves is when two adjacent sentences start with the same word without serving an obvious purpose. You could combine the two sentences to avoid the redundancy or somehow change them so they don't start quite so similarly.

Cheeks red from the cold and smiling from ear to ear, I was skatingskated

Not looking embarrassed nor sheepish at all, I found her grinning up at me.

Your friend's the subject of the first part of the sentence, so the second part of the sentence should reflect that. Change it to something like "she grinned up at me." Also, I'm not entirely sure about this, but is "or" more appropriate for this sentence?

I made mistakes, I fell a lot, I got my clothes dirty, but I was enjoying life way too much to worry about these petty details

This sentence should demonstrate parallelism. You made mistakes, you fell, you got your clothes dirty. The part of enjoying your life should be similar grammatically, so replace "I was enjoying life" with "I enjoyed life"

It had gotten locked away inside me because of the stress of wanting to meet the high expectations of everyone around me; my family, my peers, my teachers.

This is unnecessarily wordy. Also, replace the semicolon with a colon - you use semicolons when you're putting two related sentences together and colons when you're listing stuff.

My friend gave me the encouragement to stay true to myself, to make mistakes and not be scared of the outcome.

Same - parallelism. Replace "and not be scared" with "and to not be scared"

because I realize, that by trying new things, I could be so much more.

or you could just reword that

because they can tell me a lot about myself and I can improve based on these mistakes.

kind of awkward

Hope that helps!


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