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Trying my best to explain myself to you in 1800 characters; Stanford/Future Roomate



keds51Threads: 4
Posts: 24
   
Aug 23, 2009, 01:07pm   #1
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

NOTE** I was really struggling on writing this one, attempting to make it witty or humorous, but nothing seemed to work. In the end, I just wrote honestly about some of the things I like,and how they somewhat make me who I am. I'd appreciate any comments. Thank you.



Dear Future Roomie,

As we begin this four year journey, I would like you to know that I haven't quite figured myself out yet, so I'm going to try my best to explain myself to you in 1800 characters (max). I'm (INSERT NAME), by the way.

I love sitting out on the edge of a sidewalk on a sunny summer day, just watching the cars go by on my street while reading a good book. I'm not much of a chocolate person, but I love chocolate cake, especially from the Bijan Bakery near my house. My favorite drink at Starbucks is Passionfruit iced tea. I love pens� my favorite pen is the Pilot needle point ink pen. It writes really well, and I love using it to write those essays in my AP Lit class. Music is life. Currently, I'm into techno music, but I tend to go through phases in which my favorite genre changes about every two months. That brings me to my next point: I'm very indecisive. I don't know why, but I like getting several opinions before making a decision, but of course, that only makes the decision making process harder. I recently discovered my love for stargazing while at a summer program in UC Davis. I love pointing out the constellations, and viewing the faraway galaxies. It just makes the world feel so much smaller. I'm about 5'3", I have light brown eyes, brown hair, and I'm Indian. People tell me I look pretty exotic for an Indian�they guess South American, Mexican, Russian, Middle Eastern, even Hawaiian, but no one ever believes that I'm Indian. If there's one thing I regret about my childhood, it is not learning how to play an instrument. I personally love the piano. I can spend hours on my keyboard, just figuring out the melody to songs I already know and even composing a little bit of my own music. Sadly, I've never learned note reading, so I can't actually play songs, but I still hope to pursue my goal of playing the piano some day. I admire art. There are two types of people: those who go into art museums and spend about 1 minute at a painting and move on, and those who spend fifteen minutes trying to read the painting. I fall into the fifteen minute category. A painting has so much to tell, and I find it fascinating that art can be so enlightening. I'm a roller coaster person. I love the thrill of waiting in line to get an adrenaline rush for the next minute or two.

And don't worry. It's okay if you don't like the piano, or techno music, stargazing, or roller coasters. I love meeting new people and trying out new things.

Basically, I like to live in the moment. I try to make each day count. And I can't wait to meet you and have some fun adventures together!

Yours truly,

INSERT NAME



EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,667
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Aug 23, 2009, 01:13pm   #2
If this was actually a letter to your former roommate, it would be quite good. However, it is also a letter to the admissions people. As such, you want it to do what all of your applications essays should do, namely say something good about you, preferably demonstrating one or two key qualities through interesting use of narrative. Admitting to being indecisive is likewise probably a mistake, as you want to focus as much as possible on your positive qualities (though your desire to carefully think over your decisions after getting many different points of view can be easily spun to be a positive).

Actually, thinking about it a bit more, this approach might work for you after all. Try keeping the general format you've employed, but revise it with a view to imagining what an application officer will think of you after reading it . . .


GabrielleThreads: 6
Posts: 37
Author: Gabrielle Sheehan
   
Aug 23, 2009, 05:14pm   #3
The idea behind this letter is...cute. But as Sean stated, it's not a future roommate who is going to be reading this, it's an admissions officer. Though this gives us a taste of what your likes and dislikes are, it's almost written in a childish way.

Also, I was suggest trying to organize a bit more. I know it's a letter and can be free-flowing, but it's sort of confusing talking about galaxies and then jumping into your physical traits.

I do like the approach you are trying to make though, it's unique!
;)


keds51Threads: 4
Posts: 24
   
Aug 23, 2009, 09:40pm   #4
Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate the feedback.

I guess what I wanted to convey goes a little beyond what is actually said in the letter. All the little things I wrote about actually connect to an aspect of my personality. Ie. The part where "I try and play the piano even though I've never learned, because I think it's a beautiful instrument..." parallels with my persistent and determined nature. And the fact that I like roller coasters shows that I'm an enthusiastic person, willing to take risks. Also, my wide taste in music indicates my willingness to accept change and my ability to enjoy different things.

I kind of picked things about me which connect to parts of my personality. Is that a little too farfetched? Or should I explicitly state in the letter how the little intricacies about my likes/dislikes have a deeper meaning?

Thank you.


GabrielleThreads: 6
Posts: 37
Author: Gabrielle Sheehan
   
Aug 23, 2009, 09:42pm   #5
I would explain how it all connects in a deeper meaning. The parallels are a really good idea, but since it doesn't explicitly state that, it might be hard to pick up.


EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,667
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Aug 23, 2009, 10:30pm   #6
Yep. You don't need to hit your reader over the head or anything, but you should make sure your main qualities come through readily during a very quick skim of the essay, which is likely all the admissions officers will be giving it.


wuxiaThreads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Lucy Zhao
   
Aug 28, 2009, 12:05pm   #7
I don't think you need to add how you have brown hair and brown eyes. u can go straight to saying u r indian.


amy87014Threads: 3
Posts: 20
   
Aug 31, 2009, 01:10am   #8
I think you should elaborate on you parallels in the essay maybe just one sentence or too.
other than that it's good


xubisThreads: 2
Posts: 8
Author: Z Sed
   
Sep 9, 2009, 05:29pm   #9
Its well written , especially you ended in nice way


keds51Threads: 4
Posts: 24
   
Sep 10, 2009, 12:57am   #10
So, I decided to rewrite this piece, because I wasn't fully satisfied with what I had before. I'm not sure if this version is better or not. PLEASE comment!! (RIP up this essay, I need the feedback!)

NEW VERSION----

Dear Roomie,

As you enter our dorm room, I guarantee that the first thing to catch your eye will be the gallery of photos, magazine cutouts, movie stubs, concert tickets and other quirky items displayed elaborately on my wall. My wall is my canvas—you will find that a lot of my life experiences can be vicariously lived through after a brief skim of my wall.

You may notice my family pictures from Mexico, or my Indian relatives drenched in bright colors after celebrating the Indian festival of Holi. You will probably see plenty of pictures of my friends, and witness my high school life, whether it may be at a debate tournament, homecoming, the International Science Fair, or senior prom.

On the other side, I will have hung up posters of The Beatles and Coldplay, my two favorite bands of all time. I have a rather eclectic taste in music: on one end I'm heavily influenced by my dad's love for classic rock and on the other, I find the music of today's pop culture, hip hop and rap, rather appealing as well. Don't worry; I'll make sure to keep the volume down when it's late at night and you want to sleep.

Another thing that will strike you is my stash of foodstuff--we're going to need some brain food while cramming for a test, writing a long paper, or just something to nibble on while we study together.

Honestly, seeing people happy makes me happy. My friends often say my laugh is infectious. So even if you're having a bad day, after hearing a couple of my corny jokes and my laugh, I'm sure you'll crack a smile.

I like to live in the moment and I try to make each day count. I can't wait to meet you, have some fun adventures together and add some new pictures—experiences—to that wall.

Yours truly,

INSERT NAME


PS-- mods,
should I create a new thread for this essay?


zouztingtThreads: 6
Posts: 35
Author: Zhao Yuting
   
Sep 10, 2009, 07:43am   #11
Wow, this one is amazing. The best I've ever seen.

Maybe you can make the music part more emotional.It's a bit too formal.


NotomanThreads: 20
Posts: 533
Author: Noto
   
Sep 10, 2009, 08:31am   #12
keds51:
PS-- mods,
should I create a new thread for this essay?

No. The mods will come by and put SEE BELOW on this thread. It is best to keep an essay in its original thread with the original commentary. You are also asking people to comment on which essay they like better. In that case, they'll need both to look at.


keds51Threads: 4
Posts: 24
   
Sep 10, 2009, 06:17pm   #13
zouztingt,

do you mean the music portion is too formal, or the essay as a whole?


LiebeThreads: 4
Posts: 749
Author: Faisal, Essayforum.com Contributor
   
Sep 10, 2009, 07:36pm   #14
keds51:
I have a rather eclectic taste in music: on one end I'm heavily influenced by my dad's love for classic rock and on the other, I find the music of today's pop culture, hip hop and rap, rather appealing as well. Don't worry; I'll make sure to keep the volume down when it's late at night and you want to sleep.


*PS i only looked at the music portion.

It is informal because who says 'Dont worry' in a formal letter. Also, I believe I commented earlier, that your approach to this essay is very debatable, since your room mate will not read this. Unless he/she asks you to send over a copy, in which you will both be in the same room and after youve already gotten to know each other...

I understand that classic rock and today's pop music are different genres, but is it really an 'eclectic taste' in music?
I like New Age, New Wave, Electronic (ranging from dream to Minimal), ocassionally pop, Hip-Hop (Not the garbage rap of nowadays),
^Id have to say, that my musical taste is a lot more eclectic, since it is quite broad and consists of many genres...nah mean?


keds51Threads: 4
Posts: 24
   
Sep 10, 2009, 07:43pm   #15
Liebe:
I understand that classic rock and today's pop music are different genres, but is it really an 'eclectic taste' in music?
I like New Age, New Wave, Electronic (ranging from dream to Minimal), ocassionally pop, Hip-Hop (Not the garbage rap of nowadays),


I meant to say that my music range is a spectrum ranging from classic rock to hip hop/rap. So, I used the word eclectic.

Maybe I should make that more clear in the essay.


LiebeThreads: 4
Posts: 749
Author: Faisal, Essayforum.com Contributor
   
Sep 10, 2009, 07:47pm   #16
Perhaps.
I really would not have thought that a spectrum ranging from classic rock to hip hop is that broad. Then again, it is just my opinion.
By the way, what exactly do you mean by Classic Rock? Id just like to know :)

And what do you mean by hip hop? Seeing as how Stanford is in California, are you relating to the West Coast Hip Hop, or the modern lame type of 'Hip Hop' etc etc.


keds51Threads: 4
Posts: 24
   
Sep 10, 2009, 09:38pm   #17
Liebe:
By the way, what exactly do you mean by Classic Rock? Id just like to know

Pink Floyd
Led Zep
The Eagles
Phil Collins
The Beatles
Aerosmith
The Police
Journey

That's just a short list off the top of my head.
Liebe:
And what do you mean by hip hop? Seeing as how Stanford is in California, are you relating to the West Coast Hip Hop, or the modern lame type of 'Hip Hop' etc etc.


It's actually a mix of both. I'm quite mainstream when it comes to hip hop because I recently developed a taste for that. But I like techno, alternative, and even classical music (Listz, Bach, etc).

Also, Liebe, do you have any comments on the other parts of the essay? How is the content?


LiebeThreads: 4
Posts: 749
Author: Faisal, Essayforum.com Contributor
   
Sep 11, 2009, 06:47am   #18
keds51:
Liebe:
By the way, what exactly do you mean by Classic Rock? Id just like to know

Pink Floyd
Led Zep
The Eagles
Phil Collins
The Beatles
Aerosmith
The Police
Journey

That's just a short list off the top of my head.

^Hmmm, yes those artists have created classic tracks. But most of these artist's genre are conflicting genres of rock, yet you have categorized them all under the 'Classic Rock' genre.

keds51:
alternative

^There are different types of 'alternative' music.
And sorry, I hate techno. The lack of melody due to the musical layering just does not appeal to me lol.

keds51:
As you enter our dorm room, I guarantee that the first thing to catch your eye will be the gallery of photos, magazine cutouts, movie stubs, concert tickets and other quirky items displayed elaborately on my wall. My wall is my canvas—you will find that a lot of my life experiences can be vicariously lived through after a brief skim of my wall.

^This has an informal approach. But in terms of content,
supposing you came to the room first and decided to decorate it without my consent or even knowing me, Id think 'What a freak? Who the hell do you think you are already making such a mess and making my room look F-ugly'.
If I came first, then left, and then came back and saw that you had arrived and done this, I would still think that what you have displayed is rude and selfish behavior. Also, I do not think that any of those items can ever be displayed 'elaborately'.

If I want to know about your life experiences, Id ask you. But you are suggesting that I should judge you and your life from the stuff you decide to dirty the wall with.

keds51:
Don't worry; I'll make sure to keep the volume down when it's late at night and you want to sleep.

^Lol. You better!

keds51:

Another thing that will strike you is my stash of foodstuff--we're going to need some brain food while cramming for a test, writing a long paper, or just something to nibble on while we study together.

^Yes. I love to eat. But I doubt your foodstuff will strike me, or everyone for that matter, because food tastes vary and what you may believe is brainfood, may not work for me.

keds51:

Honestly, seeing people happy makes me happy. My friends often say my laugh is infectious. So even if you're having a bad day, after hearing a couple of my corny jokes and my laugh, I'm sure you'll crack a smile.

I like to live in the moment and I try to make each day count. I can't wait to meet you, have some fun adventures together and add some new pictures—experiences—to that wall.



^Corny jokes do not make me laugh. Unless I make them.
And I get the impression that you have a strange laugh. Strange laughs can annoy people, and not necessarily make them laugh.

*Like I said, maybe I do not want my photo on the wall. There is Facebook and photo albums for photos, even photo frames. Not everyone likes their walls to be full of photos and posters.

I think the problem with your essay is that you are assuming that no matter what, you will definitely be compatible with your room mate, and that you will all have the same interests and likes, whoever it may be. That may not be the case in reality.




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