This image turned into a drastic
----maybe 'dramatic' would work better here?---
The hair on my hands was standing up, and I felt light-headed.---This is great writing!
I came about this opportunity to travel to Israel ---This sentence should start the next paragraph.
While my family and I were driving back to our relative's apartment, I had the
a realization that when...
my mind after
the market experience.
Before we left,
our relatives warned us of the chaotic scenes; this did not sway
People were crying in
I realized that even though
two Jews could live thousands of miles apart,...This visit made me realize just how lucky I was to live in a safe environment. While we were walking through Jerusalem, a poor man caught my attention. For some reason, I felt his eyes express a lost hope. I gave him an American souvenir, because I had no money. By doing so, I felt a made a small change for a long way for this man.
---How would you feel about taking away the part here in red, and add the next part with the children dancing, to right after the part about the bombing? It would show a stark contrast, and help with the word count. I know it's hard to cut, but it would still be a great and very interesting essay, also getting your point across.
If I am given the chance to attend Michigan State University, one of my main priorities---no comma here---would be to share my experiences of the Israeli culture, from the violence
to the beautiful meadows. This is better if you add the short sentence to the previous one, for a smoother sentence. (Also, the shorter one was incomplete.)
I would also discuss the ambitions and passions they---who?--- have in life.
... and also continue my goal of exploring more cultures, and finding unique stories, people, and traditions in
Good luck in school, I hope everything goes well for you there!