This kind of essay is very difficult for me. Welcome harsh critique.
Tell us why you decided to apply to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. In addition, share with us the academic, extracurricular, or research opportunities you would take advantage of as a student. If applicable, provide details of any circumstance that could have had an impact on your academic performance and/or extracurricular involvement.
From the plain to the mountain, and so forth, for more than 1500 miles...That was what I saw in the jeep after we landed on Lhasa airport. Travel not only enriches my horizon but also always inspire me to achieve more. Even my attention to be an engineer was triggered by my journey to Tibet.
At the age of 12, I felt excited and dreadful. Summer there simulated to the winter of Guangzhou. Inside our jeep, there were only cookies and water, having a hot meal was hard to realize. The tyres were running on the mountainous roads, some of which were even rough dirt roads. When we encountered landslips, we got off the jeep and cleared the way with others self-driving travelers. The road opened was only wide enough for passing one jeep per time, next to me lay the cliff, I kept my eyes closing and waited for our turn to pass. I did not realize the leech until it sucked my blood and inflated as big as finger size. Except the dinners in Lhasa and terminal Chengdu, I ate almost nothing in the journey. Altitude Sickness tore me out at first. From the feeling of hungry, to stomachache, to no longer felling hungry, and to the external feeling of too hungry too want nothing to eat. There were many other difficulties I could not figure out one by one now. But appreciating the miracle and beauty of mother-nature in Tibetan brought my tiredness away. An idea of building a railway to connect the Tibet with outer world came up in my mind.The ambition to work as an engineer generated in my mind.
This can be childish. But traveling around China inspires me to study hard. I want to construct railways and bridges to connect the Shangri-la with the urban civilization. I want to improve the technology of Inner Mongolia. I want to learn how to develop the transportation which did a good job in Shanghai of my hometown, Guangzhou.
When I was learning about the programs in Madison's campus, I was extremely attracted by Hilldale Undergraduate/Faculty Research Fellowships. It reminds my dream during my childhood. Studying gets involved in travel will encourages me to better my academic performance. I am sure that it will develop my teamwork and inspire me to work hard in the research with the help of effective ways. I will fight for the Fellowships and I believe I can perfect myself during this process. Studying in University of Wisconsin-Madison fulfilled my commitments to get involved in engineering. More importantly, it gives an opportunity for me to make a magnificent life in the future.
The ending is kind of stupid. Should I seperate another para in order to conclude my idea clearly? I hope your suggestion!
Thanks!
repetition of mind
But appreciating the miracle and beauty of mother-nature in Tibetan brought an idea in my mind to connect the Tibet with outer world by building a railway. I developed an ambition to work as an engineer.
This can be childish. But traveling around China inspires me to study hard.
It may sound childish but exploring my motherland, I found inspiration to work hard to be able to do something for it.
Studying in University of Wisconsin-Madison fulfilled my commitments to get involved in engineering. More importantly, it gives an opportunity for me to make a magnificent life in the future.
use future tense instead of past
Hi!!
I think you have concentrated just too much on how you felt you should become an engineer.Read the prompt carefully.It says write why you want to apply to the university.So do your research...find out the good and appealing things about the university and then correlate them to your likings.
YES,you can include a small para on how u felt you shud become an engineer...but plz stick to the prompt...it is very specific.
Then address the further part in which you have to write how as a student you would use the resources at the university.
I suggest start afresh...don't patch up in the same essay...you'll waste your time doing that.
Good Luck!
Thaks for giving me suggestion.
I think you have concentrated just too much on how you felt you should become an engineer.Read the prompt carefully.It says write why you want to apply to the university.So do your research...find out the good and appealing things about the university and then correlate them to your likings.
I had written about the program the university provides. As an undergraduate applicant, I don't have any research or lab experience. What attract me maybe the programs in the university. And, the prompt also said
In addition, share with us the academic, extracurricular, or research opportunities you would take advantage of as a student. If applicable, provide details of any circumstance that could have had an impact on your academic performance and/or extracurricular involvement.That why I choose my topic.
Then address the further part in which you have to write how as a student you would use the resources at the university.
You're right! I think I will go to understand the university more.
All in all, thank you very much!
