Hi. Please help me correct my supplemental essay for medical school :). Thank you for your time and consideration.
Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee? (maximum 3000 characters including spaces)
It was a hectic Saturday morning in the Emergency Department at San Francisco General Hospital, one which I still vividly remember. I was working my usual volunteer shift, filling empty gurneys with oxygen tanks and conversing with patients situated along the hallway. Our friendly conversations were suddenly interrupted by a piercing alarm sound. I knew what was coming. As I headed for the blood bank, a team of surgeons scuttled pass me and assembled in front of Trauma Room 1. When I returned with a fresh batch of blood, the ER walls flickered with flashes of siren light, and a young adult was wheeled in on a stretcher covered with blood. His face grimaced in pain. In the trauma room, I helped the nurses cut his clothes and immediately applied gauze pads to stem the bleeding of his multiple gunshot wounds. Unfortunately, one of the bullets had struck the patient's left eye, leaving it dangling from its socket. X-ray images were taken, monitoring devices hooked up, and the team of surgeons began their preliminary surgeries to stabilize the patient. From then on, it was a race against time. "Hang on in there," I softly reassured him.
I stood by the patient's side, frequently spraying his wounds with a cleaning solution to help the physicians see their surgical procedures. My hands violently trembled, and I was overwhelmed and terrified by the incident. I have cut open sedated mice and rabbits before; I have dissected human cadavers as well. But this was something else: before my eyes laid a human being whose life hung in the balance. I have encountered many life-threatening injuries during my volunteer work at SFGH, but this one in particular stands out because of the severity of the patient's condition and the violent cause of the injury. Though I was incredibly nervous, I felt a strong sense of responsibility toward the patient. I calmed myself and continued helping the physicians and nurses until the patient was stable.
Through this hands-on experience, I received the opportunity to help provide emergency care for the trauma patient. I also had the opportunity to closely watch and learn as the surgeons utilized state-of-the-art medical technology to perform various operations. Despite the frenetic setting of the ER, I was amazed by how composed and skilled the surgeons were. After a few weeks in the hospital, the patient recovered, and his eyesight was fully restored. It was a rewarding feeling to be able to help the patient recuperate from such a horrific trauma, even if the act was simply retrieving blood from the blood bank or stemming the bleeding. This unique experience has given me a greater admiration for the art of the surgeon and fostered my interest in pursuing this medical field of study.
Unfortunately, one of the bullets hit the patient's left eye, leaving it dangling from its socket.
Ewwwwwww! Great, if horribly graphic and disturbing, image.
My interest in surgery actually stemmed from working with animals in Dr. Forte Lab. There, I became skilled in performing gastric perfusion on sedated mice and rats, as well as isolating glands and organs from anesthetized rabbits.
Um, this is so very anticlimactic. I'd stop after the previous sentence. You have a very strong description of the gunshot patient and your involvement with him. Tacking this on just means you are ending on a much weaker note than you have to.
Yes, I was thinking of omitting the latter few sentences as well. Thank you.
This incident left me thinking about the fleeting nature of life and how only when one tightropes the thin line of life and death does one truly appreciates the precious gift of life. This unique experience has given me a greater admiration for the art of the surgeon and fostered my interest in pursuing this medical field of study.
^All of that does not quite fit in with the question.
You are being asked 'Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome'
^The stuff that I have copied and pasted is basically your personal commentary and opinions on the whole thing. Whilst the general content of your essay can tie in with a unique experience, or an obstacle that was overcome, the rest does not.
*If you want, you can omit those sentences and further describe any emotions you had at the time to operate effectively at that point in time, or something along those lines in which makes the readers think that you overcame an obstacle. Alternatively, you can perhaps develop the final part of your essay and describe what truly made this experience unique, which I guess would be the call of duty to a man whose eye had been shot and whose life was in question.
Unfortunately, one of the bullets had struck the patient's left eye, leaving it dangling from its socket.
"'Hang on in there,' I uttered softly to him" I don't much like the use of "uttered" here, though it is not technically wrong. Could you find a better choice?
"This incident left me thinking about the fleeting nature of life and how only when one tightropes the thin line of life and death does one truly appreciates the precious gift of life." Great image. I hadn't even realized that "tightrope" could be used as a verb. Excellent job. Now, can you work it so that you don't use the word "life" three times in the same sentence?
That's about it. Your essay is already pretty strong, so there isn't much to correct.
Thank you for your comments Sean & Liebe. I will make the revision & re-post here :).
Please help edit :). Thank you.
"Hang on in there," I softly reassured him .
"This unique experience has given me a greater admiration for the art of the surgeon as well asand fostered my interest in pursuing this medical field of study."
Any final correction before I submit :)? Thank you!
a team of surgeons scuttled pass me
Wrong word here . . . you want past instead of pass. The word is functioning as a preposition here and you need past.
Trauma Room 1
Generally you will want to spell out numbers (especially if they are small numbers or short words . . . different style guides have different rules, but they will all tell you to spell out the number one).
a young adult was wheeled in on a stretcher covered with blood
The word order makes it sound like the stretcher was covered in blood. I am sure that the stretcher was bloody, but it almost sounds like a bloodied stretcher was reused. It is really the young adult that was covered in blood.
I have cut open sedated mice and rabbits before; I have dissected human cadavers as well.
I would go with "had" instead of have. The sentence sounds fine, but something is telling me that you need the past-perfect verb here. Assuming at least that the action took place and was completed in the past.
retrieving blood from the blood bank or stemming the bleeding
Because you have already used a form of the word "stem" in conjunction with bleeding, I would use a different word here. How about "stanch"?
It was a rewarding feeling to be able to help the patient recuperate from such a horrific trauma
The first part of this sentence gets bogged down in the little words. How about rewording it to something like: It was rewarding to help the patient . . .
Good work!
Thank you Notoman. You're always a great help! :)
Yes, Noto, your advice is always so good!
One question: "scuttled pass me" or "scuttled past me"?
Nvm, I looked it up, & you were correct Notoman: "scuttled past me"
I looked it up too. I was pretty sure that it was "past," but I wanted to be positive before making that claim, *grin*.
This is a pretty good essay, fully comprehensible, and involving.
If I could suggest a minor adjustment. "for the art of the surgeon"
The art is not "the surgeon" so you must mean it is OF the surgeon.
However, the art of the surgeon is incorrect, because it still exists, even without the surgeon. I don't know if it's simply surgery, or something a tad more technical, but you should change it.
"It was a rewarding feeling to be able to help the patient recuperate from such a horrific trauma" = "I found helping the patient recuperate from such a horrific trauma rewarding."
