Transfer Essay from Community College; 'Cervial and Breast Cancer study'

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

My education at x Community College has been altogether positive. However, my primary reason for transferring is to broaden my resources to attain higher education. With the pursuit of majoring in Neuroscience and becoming a Physician Assistant, I would best be suited in an environment with opportunities for research, studying abroad, and a pre health concentration.

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I find your essay interesting; as a reader, some of your sentences should have been written as in the following paragraphs.

My education at x Community College has been altogether positive.However,My reason for transferring to xxx program is to broaden my resources to attain higher education. With the pursuit of majoring in Neuroscience and becoming a Physician Assistant, I would best be suited in the xxx program that offers excellent research environment in a pre-health concentration.( I guess that the concentration is a field of your major)in an environment with opportunities for research, studying abroad, and a pre health concentration.

During fall, I became a Research Associate and workedwas a research associate in the Emergency Department at XXXX universityto gain clinical research experience . I enrolled participantsparticipated in a Cervial and Breast Cancer study, the third largest research conducted in the United States. MostMore importantly, I was able to directly interact with patients in a high volume emergency room. During the progression of the program, I realized my immense desire to work on a team of doctors and nurses to critically alleviate those in need.

x Community College has helped me in tremendous ways. It proved me a solid education in core courses such as French, Abnormal Psychology, and Sociology. I boastedhave (the decent GPA) of 3.6 GPAin my first semester and also participated in generous (I cannot follow you on this; I am sorry. what does the generous extracurricular activities mean to you) extracurricular activities on campus and made great friends along the way.

Though my education here has been requisite, I am limited in terms of course selection for my desired major (this sentence sounds a bit negative in my opinion; if I were you, I would say that the education from my previous/current school has prepared me a strong back ground in the prerequisite subjects such as Biology, and the xxx program will hone my understanding toward the research in my major).However if admitted,Being a student in the xxx program , I am excited to takemy knowledge will be improved by taking the courses such as xxx that will prepare me for my ultimate goal.In addition/ Moreover, I would like to do the project in cognitive brain imaging duringfor the undergraduate summer research program opportunities at the medical center. Taking everything into account, my reasons for transferring stand clear: to gain the experienceunparalleled opportunity thatand to enhance my knowledge toward the researches in NeuroscienceI cannot receive at my current institution .

I apologize for the meaning of colors (that I should have told you), and some information that I forgot.

1.
The blue color is for the phrase/sentence that I rephrase your words.

The green color is for the phrase/sentence that should have been added into your essay. For example, I think that adding " at XXXX university " can help the reader become clear about your work place.

The red color is for the phrases/sentences that I am not sure about the meaning, and have no idea on what it should have been. Some sentences in red can be improved.

2.
You may tell the reader at the first sentence of your paragraph. For example,


can be changed to


PS. BBB is the program that you are going to apply to/ that you are going to send this essay to.
YYY is your current program.