Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered.
----------------------------------------------
Holding hackneyed hats in front of themselves as they performed, entertainers filled the busy sidewalks. Happily, women in navy blue suits placed change into their hats as they descended from the streetcar. A young man with headphones dangling from his ears shuffled through the women, laptop in one hand and iPod in the other. Teenagers wearing grey and green uniforms with crests imprinted on the breast pockets of their vests all walked in unison towards a sign reading "Rosedale School of Arts." The thick smell of Oriental cuisine hung in the air, and bright yellow script in Mandarin could be spotted across the busy street. A simple turn exposed a whole new world, with men in bright costumes dancing passionately to South Asian music. The location was unmistakable- it was Toronto.
It is no secret that I love Toronto. It is the true definition of a global community- a haven for the poor and the rich, a school for the learning and the experienced. With an environment so rich in diversity, so accepting to other cultures and races, I looked at Toronto as my own utopia. However, as welcoming as it was, it was always a struggle for me to find my own place in such a distinct atmosphere. I felt like a foreigner, gaping at the magnificence of Toronto without making any contributions of my own. Throughout my childhood, I yearned for ways to find my own genuine culture and place in Toronto.
The only approach I knew involved learning about my background and roots. However, simply hearing stories from my parents was not adequate because I failed to understand the meanings. I began to reach into my community and friends, many of whom shared the same origins as my parents, Bangladesh. Through music and...
...
I think you need to try and answer the prompt better. Your tone and writing style are very good. You used great imagery, and wrote a consistent, cohesive essay, but all you did was list a bunch of events. Try to explain better what you will bring to Rutgers, not just how you fit in there.
thanks a lot, that's what I was realizing too..I have no idea how or where to add that in though
You didn't REALLY answer the prompt.
You're great at story telling, but you need to focus on why you love Toronto from the very beginning. If this was an essay for an English class that need an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion, you'd get an A+ no problem. But this is your Rutgers application and you need to make sure they think that you're head over heels OBSESSED with Toronto from the first line.
happy writing!
The only approach I knew involved learning about my background and roots. However, simply hearing stories from my parents was not adequate because I failed to understand the meanings. I began to reach into my community and friends, many of whom shared the same origins as my parents, Bangladesh. Through music and photographs, I was exposed to a Bangladesh that I had never seen before: a small, impoverished, and overpopulated country. As contradictory as it may sound, it was at that moment I realized my attachment to my roots. Growing up in urbanized Toronto, how could I help but progress and continue to learn about such a country? Through Leaders Today, I was able to raise money for the people of my country, as well as learn more about the culture every day. I learned to speak the language fluently, perform the dances with ease, and recite the prayers with confidence. I shared my passion with others whenever I could find the chance. The more I was able to do for Bangladesh, the more love I grew for Toronto. It was this city that helped satisfy my need for an authentic culture while still experiencing all the benefits of living in a metropolis.
After moving from Toronto to New Jersey my junior year, I was forced into a new environment where I must once again find my place. It was a struggle to learn where I fit in such a different world. However, with the growth of my understanding concerning my culture and people, I realized that I already had, after all, established my place in society. Knowledge and practice of my culture aided me in creating a place of my own regardless of where I was. Like a single piece working to create an extraordinary puzzle, culture is one of the many components that help define who I "am". The vibrant community of Rutgers, so similar to that of Toronto, will only assist me in further establishing who I am and where I belong. From the various clubs to the wide variety of people, Rutgers offers an environment that will help me succeed while still enriching my knowledge of the diversity of culture. With the values I now possess, the lesson I have learned, and the experiences I have gained, I believe I can only contribute more to and learn more from life at Rutgers University.
I added a few sentences, does this make it any better?
Look at the prompt again,
"Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? "
Until the conclusion, you hadn't answered either of these, and you didn't really explain either of them. This is a personal essay, I think you may be getting it confused with a personal narrative. Really go into detail about how you are going to benefit from going to Rutgers, and how they are going to benefit from having you. You seem like a very strong writer, so just take a little while to brainstorm the last 2 paragraphs again and come back at it. If that doesn't work, then you may need to rewrite it. Whatever you do, just make sure your answer to the prompt is clear and concise.
