Hi, This is my first time on Essayforum and I'm hoping I would receive some help. I would like advice on my college application to Rutgers, eg weak sentences, grammar, etc.
Thank you!
EDIT: Also, looking for dos and don'ts for essays. Trying to add some originality, I attempted some humor/wit in my essay, though at the same time, having a meaning behind it.
PROMPT: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered
Essay:
Coming from other countries, my parents would naturally force me into the culture they were raised. As a child, my parents would always tell me: "Take responsibility. Try new things." My journey called life became a rollercoaster of peculiarity; I was torn between two different cultures.
I began to appreciate my heritage when I visited the birthplace of my parents, Vietnam, at the age of seven. This opened my eyes to a brand new experience. I soon realized that the world was not as simple as I believed. Spoiled by the materialistic culture of America, I failed to acknowledge the culture of my family; I began to value the traditions of my birthright, and even more, willing to learn from them.
Growing up, I was a gregarious and witty child, always being assertive and outgoing. However, it was not long until I gained the title: "The awkward Asian kid" as an adolescent. High school became a whole new experience for me. I finally began to understand the words my parents once enlighten me with when I was a child. The words that once meant "eating something different for lunch" now changed me into a diversified person. I have never considered joining a sport; however, I became co-captain of Ultimate Frisbee and am active in soccer almost year-round. All my life, I have lacked creativity in the arts; but in attempt to meet new people and improve myself, I joined Yearbook Club and became a respected member within a year. Even though I am attempting to expand my horizon to a new culture, I still do not forget where my roots originate from. I have been a member, and now officer, of Asian Culture Club, to bear in mind how I was able to overcome the tribulations I once had to deal with.
With Rutgers University's vibrant and diverse community, I can contribute the two different cultures that I have established throughout my life. By including myself as a part of Rutgers University, I anticipate demystifying and discovering the experiences of others as well as sharing the experiences of my own. Then, upon graduation from Rutgers University, I would hope to be off the rollercoaster that had misled throughout my journey.
"This opened my eyes to a brand new experience. I soon realized that the world was not as simple as I believed." how did it open your eyes? be more specific.
"Take responsibility. Try new things." if your parents speak vietnamese at home you should put the vietnam way to say that and then translate it to english. the way my teacher said, even though it's only a little thing, it adds more of your culture spin to the essay.
i like the essay!
I'm glad you joined EssayForum! And I wish it did not take so long for me to see your essay. You have a fascinating story.I like your roller coaster theme.
Coming from other countries, my parents would naturally force me I suppose it is natural for my parents to urge me into the culture in which they were raised.
...off the roller coaster that had disrupted part of misled throughout my journey.
Most importantly, you can strengthen the whole essay by adding a few sentences to that first paragraph so that the main theme of the essay becomes clear. In a sharp, focused way you should express the message of the essay in that first paragraph.
:-)
