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What are the achievements and experience that defined you as a person? (family)


min_026 1 / 1  
Aug 4, 2010   #1
Surely everyone had their "fair" share of experiences in life, may it be failures, achievements, heartbreaks, or fun-filled laughter. Experiences change us to be the kind of person who we can be-whether we want to or have to. Our experiences in the past are always in connection with of who we are in the Present. Like what Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote in his Novel, "The House of the Seven Gables," "The Past lies upon our Present like a Giant" and my past made me who I am today. Basically, I am the kind of person who I am today because of my grandmother who had raised me. And as I grew, more people influenced me like my nanny, my family, my friends, my teachers and other more.

It may look like another story of a broken family, but it is more than that. My parents had me at a young age; my mother 19 while my father was 23. My dad married my mom but even before I was brought into this world they separated. Since then, my dad didn't see my mom or me. My mom's first love is my dad; she was really heartbroken when they separated, so she decided to hide me. We lived in BF Homes, Parańaque where my grandmother lived. My mother left me with my grandmother, and then she worked at my grandmother's business in Japan. Since then, I was always with my grandmother, she and her husband treated me like their own daughter and I grew up treating them like my own parents. My mother would only come back in the Philippine every six months and her longest stay here would be a month. I first met my dad at age 5; he gave me everything that I wanted, but my grandmother gave me more; she gave me her time.

Growing up with my grandmother made me think more matured for my age, at that time. For instance, my favorite band or singers are the Beatles, David Pomeranz, Rod Stewart, Selena, and Michael Bublè. I preferred watching the news reports at night or Animal Planet than watch cartoons. If my grandmother would go out with her friends, I would go with them. Whether their drinking coffee, singing at a piano bar or whatever they do, I went with her. Her friends would talk to me like I'm not a child, an example of that would be my grandmother's best friend. She talks to me about my school and when we reach a particular topic she'd tell me more information. Another is the Mayor of Bataan and the former Mayor of Quezon province that are my mother's friends. They would ask me about my opinions on particular issue or they'd talk to me about careers, health and any other issues. I really wasn't a playful child since I'm an only child and I prefer staying inside the house and study in advance, read books, draw, or play with my toys; though, I was more of a collector than a player.

I can't really remember anything about my pre-school life in STI pre-school, but that sparked my interest in computers. My next school was Southville International School and Colleges, which developed me more as a person; this stage became the foundation of my personality. For instance, my interest in books was heightened because we were required to make book reports as early as 1st grade; it was also when I started to become very conscious with my projects and grades and as far as I can remember, I started burning the midnight oil at 2nd grade. I developed my interest in Science when I became a member of the Y.E.S club or the Young Enthusiast of Science when I was in 3rd grade. I joined quiz bees when I was in grade 1, and when I was in 2nd grade I joined school activities like performing on the Parade of Nation, Cultural show, Values of the Month presentation and many more. I became more sports active and less sickly, when I was in 3rd grade, I became a cheerleader and I signed up in our female soccer club (elementary division) when I was in grade 4. I was a very active student; I joined school activities like little Ms. SISC, Ms. Jamaica, cheering competition and other activities. One school activity that I really like was our POUCH activity or POor Urban CHildren, where we invite public school students to our school and each student will be assigned to one POUCH kid and we will set up a party for them and feed them and provide them school supplies and food supplies. This was an experience that opened my eye to that there are poor people beyond the affluent metropolis of Parańaque city. My friends and I are not the stereotype rich kids; actually, we buy clothes in Divisoria and call it "Divi mall," though we could afford branded products. But something went wrong with Philippine-Japan relationship that affected our business. Our business closed in a blink of an eye, all our properties gone. We moved to Tandang Sora with my real grandfather. I didn't have a hard time adjusting to the financial situation, I understood what happened; plus, something good happened, I was able to spend my first whole year living with my mom. I believe that every cloud has a silver lining. I got to spend one full year with my mom for the first time.

My high school life was a whole new experience. I was able to let my hair down. I behaved freely, naturally and I was able to relax-no pressure academically or having to prove myself to my family. I had more time with myself because I had no soccer trainings, YES meetings, cheering practice or whatsoever. I also ate my first fish ball when I was in first year J. With that, I felt my childhood coming to me-like I could let go of some of my maturity and worries so that I could enjoy this childhood. It's like I was given the chance to enjoy the childhood that I didn't have. I could worry less. I did my best but I didn't pressure myself into having to meet the standard of my family, because my grandmother told me to loosen up and don't stress too much. Here, in Colegio de San Lorenzo, I developed my other interests like playing the violin. I also became more active as a Filipino citizen. Aside from helping my grandmother with her Christmas charity work, I had a first hand experience with feeding malnourished children through our school's feeding program. Some of my teachers made me realize that awareness is not enough; we also need to get involve! Sometimes, I would miss my busy schedule so for one year I had 3 clubs at a time-vox angelorum choir, CDSL marching band and journalism club) besides those clubs, I participated in other school activities.

On my 3rd year in high school my communication with my dad had stopped even his financial support, but my grandparents help us when we can't make the ends meet. Even though I have these problems, I still manage to be optimistic and strong. I never cried because I don't see my dad, I was contented with what I have, I never whined for attention and I never asked God why is my life like this? Because I know that I am lucky that my loved ones are well and we get to eat 3 or more times a day. I briefly retold the story of my life because I think that these defined me as a person-of who I am. I became hardworking, family-oriented, emotionally strong, sports active, academically conscious, creative, conservative and many more, because of what I had experienced. Like what Sanford Weill said, "We are a product of all our experience" and I am a product of my experiences, because everything that had happened in the past is the reason why we are who we are today. My past experiences defined me as a person because man has continuity with his part. I am my past because everything that had preceded me, sums up in my being as a person.
Shadow93 9 / 40  
Aug 4, 2010   #2
I am not much for grammar, so I would leave that portion to more pedantic reviewers.

However, you really need to space of. First impression is that you cram way too much detail into your essay. For one, does anyone CARE whether you lived in BF or FB? Its not very relevant, or things like Mayor of Bataan, generally speaking, it did not SEEM to contribute much. Though of course, your writing style has a bit to do with it.

Your general idea though seems a bit vague. I understand that your entire life story can be a good experience but it is TOO general. There is no underlying narrative or drama that serves to bind the story into one whole. I recommend focusing on either your Elementary school OR your sufferings due to financial hardship in order to create a dramatic narrative.

I suggest a rewrite of this essay will be more helpful in your situation. Specifically, try to insert some rest into your essay so its not continuously monotonous. Your conclusion definitely deserves a bit more drama. Its kinda obvious that everything that happened make us who we are, but some experiences are MORE IMPORTANT, and that is what your conclusion should reflect. How a specific event changed you.

All in all, add more spice to your essay! Make it exciting, make the readers FEEL.

*I can commend you on your transition though, the essay was smooth, without awkward sentences.*

I am sorry if I am kinda harsh. Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 5, 2010   #3
Well, one important grammar correction would be this:
Surely everyone had their "fair" share of experience in life, may it be...--- you need 'experience' as a singular noun so that you can write, "may it be," because with a plural noun you run into a number-agreement problem.

Here is an idea for a nicer style:
Basically I am the kind of person who I am today because of my grandmother who had raised me. And as I grew, more people influenced me like my nanny, my family, my friends, my teachers and other more. Here, I crossed out two parts that were not very helpful.

use a colon:
... what happened; plus, something good happened: I was able to spend my first whole year living with my mom.

Okay, first of all I want to say I love this essay. It tells your story beautifully and really reflects careful consideration as well as deep philosophical thought. I do not want to suggest too many changes, because I do not want to cause it to lose its vitality.

Yet, I do want to say you should focus some more on some specific experiences that define you. The challenge is to come up with a few key experiences that capture this. Therefore, name an experience that reflects your ability to practice appreciation, your insight about neglect that comes from hardship associated with your father, your knowledge of computers and other subjects that influence you.

Come up with an experience for each key aspect of your personality. :-)
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Aug 5, 2010   #4
I am the kind of person who I am today because of my grandmother who had raised me. . And as I grew, more people influenced me like my nanny, my family, my friends, my teachers and other more.

Most of this is unnecessary wordiness. About the last sentence, you don't need to inform the reader of that.

I first met my dad at age 5; he gave me everything that I wanted, but my grandmother gave me more; she gave me her time.

I like this sentence. You could, if you wanted, use it as a first sentence. Change the second semi-colon to a dash.

It may look like another story of a broken family, but it is more than that.

Instead of writing this, why not write something personal, about how that apparently broken family defined who you are?

it was also when I started to become very conscious with my projects and grades and as far as I can remember, I started burning the midnight oil at 2nd grade.

Interesting expression. About all this about your maturity, try to make it more to the point.

I somewhat agree with Longwen, but I still have some hope for your writing. There are a lot of idea in there. Try to narrow some down and again, as said above~

Cheers~
OP min_026 1 / 1  
Aug 6, 2010   #5
thank you for the help :) i appreciate it. i don't hold anything against you. its your opinion and it helped me. i'll keep the advice in mind :D thank you again.


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