Prompt- Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
"Dime con quién andas y te diré quién eres." It means tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are. A great deal of the meaning gets lost in translation, but it is something to the effect of- the people you surround yourself with influence the person you become.
I have been around some marvelous people; from the family who has supported me in many ways, to the friends who have pushed me to go the extra mile, and the teachers who have guided me through high school. It is because of these positive influences that I have become the person I am today. My parents' undying support has fueled my passion for learning in all fields. My academic strengths lie in math and science; though I have meddled in theatre activities ranging from acting and dancing, to costume making, set building, and make-up designing. I have volunteered in sports competitions, as well as for a Vitas Hospice Team. Their support has enabled me to become the well rounded individual I am. My close friends have acted as my personal cheerleading team; motivating me to keep on going. It is because of them that I have developed a "never give up" attitude. I finish anything that I start; this has led me to become a reliable person, whom people can count on. Lastly the few teachers I have grown close to have been my mentors. They have me in the right direction; away from the high school clichés of drugs and alcohol, and on a path of self exploration through a world of appreciation, inspiration, and dedication.
I have come a long way in a mere 17 years, but my development as a person has just started. I am not done; a work of art in the making. I want to surround myself with the finest people-- those who will bring out the best in me. It is my belief that UCF is the university where I will meet the professors, colleagues, and counselors that will support, motivate, and guide me toward a successful future. It is my hope that given the chance to further my studies at UCF I can pursue the greatness that lies ahead.
The second sentence is a run-on; you need a comma after the word "are."
The first sentence of the second paragraph could use commas after the transitions (after year and auditorium)
He is the one that has showed me the greatness I can accomplish, and everything I am capable of doing... "that" needs to be who. "showed" needs to be shown. Take out the comma after accomplish
In the fall of my junior year ... year needs a comma after it
something I was not sure I was capable of doing... Perhaps change this to "a role I was not sure I could perform properly." The way it is now, it sounds awkward.
world of the play... Play's atmosphere? just a suggestion
Zembuch never gave on me... gave up
even at times when I had given up on myself... "at times when" is a redundant phrase
With his help I figured it out,... "it" sounds a bit ambiguous. Perhaps you could clear it up a bit?
our cast performed our play ... You are obviously going to be performing your play, so you need not specify.
...downtown Tampa; a feat that would... Change the semicolon to a comma
...with the finest; people that... Change the semicolon to a comma.
It is my hope given the chance to further my studies at UCF I can pursue the greatness... It is my hope that, given the chance to further my studies at UCF, I can pursue the greatness
Past the grammatical errors, you may consider adding more information on why you think the people will influence you like Jason Zembuch, not simply that they will. It's good, just needs some fine-tuning.
Will you please take a look at my essay when you get a chance and leave me all the feedback you can think of?
Zembuch never gave up on me, even at ...
I know I can be great on my own, but the greatness I can accomplish with the help of the professors and attendees at UCF will far surpass whatever I can accomplish by myself. I do like this attitude, but it is more ambiguous than you should be. It is just an ambiguous affirmation about the greatness with or without college. Instead of this, say something specific about what you want to do and how this school will prepare you.
I want to surround myself with the finest people -- those who will bring out the best in me.
I think a dash is better here than a hyphen.
:-)
Thank you so much for the help! I changed it a little bit, well alot actually. I was hoping maybe you could give me feedback on this one and tell me which essay works best for the prompt.
Im also not sure if the paragraphs are broken down properly..
Here is a little number agreement problem: I have come a long way in a mere 17 years, but my development as a person has just started. I am not done; a work of art in the making.
Maybe like this:
I have come a long way in a mere 17-year period, but my development as a person has just started. I am not done -- a work of art in the making.
or, actually this is better:
I have come a long way in a merely 17 years, but my development as a person has just started. I am not done -- a work of art in the making.
and I changed your semi-colon to a hyphen. (See Strunk & White)
:-)
use a hyphen here:
self-exploration
I like it! Can you say something more specific here instead of general things?----It is my belief that UCF is the university where I will meet the professors, colleagues, and counselors that will support, motivate, and guide me toward a successful future. ----- this is what you find at any school, but what specific attributes do you think you'll find in this group of people? Make it a unique and astute observation.
Thank you for the advice!
Im not sure what you mean by more specific..
I know its kind of vague but im not sure how to be specific..
Do you have any suggestions?
Well, this sentence is just so obvious. And of course any applicant at any school could write this sentence. ----> It is my belief that UCF is the university where I will meet the professors, colleagues, and counselors that will support, motivate, and guide me toward a successful future.
So, I suggest something "specific to you," and what I mean is that you need a sentence that tells something meaningful. Do not waste any sentences stating the obvious. Reach into your mind and pull out the ideas that are most meaningful to you; let the reader know about your particular plan, your unique plan.
