'Suppressing my identity' - Common app important issue essay

Walking home from school I witnessed and shamefully stood on the pavement as a bystander
to all that was occurring in front of me. Fatima, a friend who I genuinely said "hi" to in the hallways was on the kneeling on the grass, pleading the callow, fourteen year

old boys to leave her hijab alone. She was not to have her hair revealed to any men other than
her father and husband; it was analogous to the concept of a woman being protective of her
virginity. Yet, I, a Muslim myself, disgracefully watched as my feet remained planted in the nearby pavement.
Being an American Muslim wasn't necessarily easy to begin with - having to drop everything I
was doing at exactly 6:30 p.m. in order to make it in time for prayer was time consuming. It was even more difficult not being able to explain to people outside my faith why I have pictures of our Islamic spiritual leader all over my house; I would resort to googling and trying to explain the significance of Aga Khan IV from a nondescript three-paragraph Wikipedia article. The events of 9/11 only exacerbated existing conditions, it further disturbed the balancing act that

American Muslims play when each tries to incorporate Islamic practices into the fast-paced
American lifestyle. Even more profound was the impact of these events on people
around the globe, on their preconceived notions, and on the rudimentary details of my life,
including the way I introduced myself:
"Hello, my name is Sheetal, and I am a Mus- student at Clements"
Sometimes I was not quick enough to skew away from this automatic association with myself.
When that happened, I was often asked "How many bombs do you own?" They didn't stop to consider the fact that I did not own any.

I felt burdened to suppress my identity. The masterpiece that I knew as my faith, the identity
that I had scrupulously and proudly sculpted day by day took less than a split second to be
demolished. The association of the incident with the people who caused it was blown out of
proportion. They came to the understanding that the hijackers acted as they did simply because
they were Muslim. What they fail to comprehend is that one man's action should not account for all.
Although I was initially hurt by their comments, I've come to understand that it is not their fault
that they have this view of the world. We all take comfort in the safety of our own culture and
often don't have the means to question the media. The news tells my mother of corrupt
Chinese government officials kidnapping people and she automatically assumes this is a daily
occurrence. It makes sense to believe this as she has nothing else to base her knowledge of the country on. The only way to eliminate cultural misunderstandings like this is through knowledge. Not knowledge of facts, like crime rates, but through knowledge that comes with experience. It's impossible to let every person see the whole world first hand, but I thought my mother would be a good place to start. In order to eliminate my mother's false preconceptions of Chinese people, I brought home my friend who is indulged in oriental culture. They immediately exchanged hugs at first sight and engaged in small conversation about the weather without my

facilitation. As I walked back to the living room, I was intrigued by this sight of unity. The only way to facilitate understanding between cultures is to share experiences and to show people across the globe what it means to be Muslim or Chinese. As an American Muslim, I hold an obligation to go out there and fix what 9/11 brought to America - the labeling of individuals and the negativity and misunderstandings that come with this. As a Teacher Liaison of Clements High School International Club, I have the invaluable opportunity to work with other students to create an annual festival with cultural food, presentations, and activities for all. This festival previously only displayed cultural dances. Through my work, I've established that everyone has brilliant ideas to share and amazing things to teach. When we restrict or block out an individual based on their outer appearance we are merely limiting ourselves by restricting our knowledge source and becoming narrow minded in such a diverse and flourishing planet.

Word count: 734
the word limit is 500 so are there any sentences that i could take out or change to make it fewer words? and any feedback is appreciated, thank you :) i will read yours!

I tried posting this on your previous post but you deleted it right when I clicked submit haha.

One thing I noticed is that your essay is mostly past tense. I think it would be much more effective if you tell the story in present tense. Present tense would take the admissions person directly into the story, it allows them to be there as the action happens. Present tense would also shorten many of your verbs (e.g. witnessed to witness), and although it doesn't change the word count the essay would be visibly shorter.

The 500 words is not a strict cutoff, try submitting your essay and viewing it in print preview. If the whole essay shows up, then that is what the admissions offices will see as well. Its ok to be over the 500 mark as long as it is an engaging essay, which is true about your essay, and that it isn't noticeably long. Admissions isn't going to count the words, and nor will they deny you over an extra paragraph. Don't worry too much about the word count.

Even more profound was these events' impact on... Dont let sentences become passive, they dont sound as strong. or at least thats what my english teacher always say.


the sentences around it is past tense. keep the tenses constant


samething, use past tense!

but overall, its a very good topic.
btw while 734 words is a bit high, the 500 word "limit" is only a suggestion. Theres nothing Commonapp can do to enforce the 500 word limit. but you should try to follow it if you can.

anyways, good luck with your essay and if you have time, read my tufts supplement. i would greatly appreciate it!

Hey, I thought of clever word line for this


to something like, "Because of one man's action, they blamed his whole faction." It rhymes and it can be a powerful piece in your essay.

Overall, the essay seemed strong to me as you displayed the pain in your essay and how 9/11 affected you. Even though this is a strong emotional essay. You bring me down. Majority of the essay dealt with how much pain you suffered and how weak you were against the social and psychological attacks. You bring the strong you only at the end, but you don't display it effectively. This is where the essay goes downhill.

Cut out the beginning because you cans still convey the meaning of the essay. Mostly this.


You still convey the meaning from your essay. But that is just my thoughts. I just feel that the beginning doesn't contribute much to the essay and those extra words can be used to expand more on your progress at the ending.

expand more on the progress of the essay on how you contribute comprehension of different cultures and and elaborate on how this impacted YOU. Through this, you can bring the strong you in the ending.

Can you return the favor and give my Princeton Supplement a read. I revised and I need to get it in quickly.

Thank you guys so much, i shall work on tenses :) and i'll definitely read yours!