be brutally honest i can take it
Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?
Undoubtedly the college for me, Emory University embodies everything I could desire in a University. With a seven to one student ratio, and a curriculum and business school that matches me almost as well as royal blue matches gold, Emory is my match. Emory really puts forth the effort to make it easy for the student to learn. Professors give out their personal cell phone number, students are encouraged to become competitive and to push each other to new heights. Being that my family lives only one state south, I would be only a day's drive away from my loved ones. This works out perfectly because it creates a win-win situation. It's a far enough distance so that I can use the excuse that "oh I just can't leave my studies and drive a whole day" and if I catch a bout of the homesickness I can return home without having to spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket. In addition to the perfect distance from home, and the perfect learning experience, Emory University offers a beautiful and activity filled campus. If I choose to I can take a break from my studies to work out in the school gym, play Frisbee on the McDonough Field, go to Six Flags, or even just enjoy an on campus film screening or concert with some fellow classmates. The royal blue and gold are calling my name, and I am more than ready to answer the call.
Ok, so I like the first line and the second half of the second "a curriculum and business school that matches me almost as well as royal blue matches gold" a good allusion
but after that you kinda sounded like a representative from the school stating facts out of a brochure. The student teacher ratio is... it's within an hours driving distance of... many activities are available on campus so you can take a breakfrom your studies...
See what I mean? The college already knows these things about itself but what it wants to hear is why you want it. It said talk about things besides location and reputaion but you talked about both!
Being that my family lives only one state south, I would be only a day's drive away from my loved ones. (Location)
A world class school (Reputation Kind of)
Talk about your major specific program, and try not to sound like you already attend the school, how do YOU know if teachers hand out numbers?! lol
Talk about school spirit they have, and the feel of the college and how it relates to you, but whatever you write definitely keep your opening lines I love those.
Also could you please edit my dear diary essay it's due ASAP
I also like the first opening sentence, it made me want to read it, but still the nature of the essay does not show your TRUE desire to attend this university. The idea of this type of essay is for them to assess how much you know about their programs and activities and how you feel about them and how you will fit into that school. You essay started to lack substance as I went on reading it. It needs more detail on the college and how it will benefit you. The prompt clearly states not use the location as one and you have undoubtedly exactly that. Revise it, look into the school a little bit more and show out your voice.
you aare right that i used location, however I felt that they meant location like how its located in the south and on near the ocean location, i thought that i was using location in a different sence but since you both pointed that out ill figure something else out
Personally, I think you should revise the last sentence. Asking a question like that doesn't match the overall tone of your essay. It's a weak (and unnecessary) addition to your already limited essay (only 250 words!) :(
Other than the occasional conversational diction, your essay is fine. As long as your other credentials are fine, Emory should be happy to have you.
hey is it possible if you could read my essay
essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/desire-help -people-emory-supplemental-14921/
I agree.... I think that at the end you shouldn't have that question.
When talking about the location and how its close to your house, try to conbine all of that into a more unified structure... try using ;
how about this instead for the final sentence
I am the perfect match for Royal blue and gold, and Emory is the perfect match for me.
EDITED
any better? i dont really want to change the parts about distance from my house b/c i think thewy are talking more about the location of the school in the warm climate/ near the ocean and not about distance to family.
I think your edited version looks great to me.
Maybe the part about Emory's acticities could be more Emory specific? It seems to fit every school to me...
