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Staying at a Homeless Shelter Essay


migia 1 / -  
Jan 11, 2011   #1
Hi, this is an intro for my descriptive essay from my experience at staying at a homeless shelter:
I need suggestions and mechanical corrections. Thanks!

The Mary Day Center* stood out like a piece of chipped coal in a bag of diamonds as it was awkwardly situated between a line-up of shiny, polished skyscrapers of banks and big-money corporations. It was a small white building that had probably seen better days with its exterior decoration of brown water stains dangling from the roof like strands of Christmas lights. Luxurious SUVs and vintage Cadillac cars hustled past it in the tight street of downtown St. Paul with drivers having places to go, loved-ones to meet, and Christmas lists to fulfill. One by one, the red laser beams of the drivers' visions were set straight in front of them; ignoring the destitute crowd standing outside the Mary Day Center* who were being skinned to the bones by the harsh, Minnesota wind chill, as if it were a crime to acknowledge the poor. Somewhere among the homeless crowd that night, I joined them. And I, too, would also become forgotten and invisible.
Some one 3 / 7  
Jan 11, 2011   #2
Very nice, I like the beginning, it sets the tone for the essay, and if I may conclude, foreshadows your future attempt at making the place better, or foreshadows how difficult your stay with the homeless is going to be and what you will learn from this experience.

I also like the metaphor, or simile, at the beginning, very nice!

Overall, this intro is extremely well-written

PS. can check my essay? The one about michigan, Thanks
shadowfax 5 / 22  
Jan 11, 2011   #3
A wonderful beginning! I really love it! The imagery is super perfect! A great intro...


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