After all, who gets cancer at sixteen?
Many people. How did you already suspect yourself of having cancer before you were diagnosed?
As I awoke on August 11th, 2009, I was struck overwhelmingly by the state of confusion I was in.
Just say that you were in an overwhelmingly confused state.
When I first noticed it, I merely dismissed it.
Noticed what? Noticed your tumor? How do you dismiss a tumor?
This event reaffirmed the fact that I need to strive for only the best in all facets of my life. This is why attending the University of Florida means so much to me at this point in my life.
Sounds like your sucking up here. Why is UF the epitome of a good university?
Again, your surgery seems to have very little connection with applying to UF. How will surgery effect your college experience? How will surgery contribute to UF? Surgery only made you want to have good stuff in your life.