"The start of a new beginning" - Univ. Of Oregon admission essay

Hi, i was wondering of someone would be willing to look over my admission essay into Oregon. I have the freedom to write about what ever i want and a 500 word maximum. Im not to sure how to come to a conculsion of my second paragraph and what more I should add to my conclusion. Any help would be great.

Find my essay below:

That moment when your cleats first hit the turf, you're standing in the stadium under all the lights and you feel invincible. The ref puts the whistle in his mouth and with that little breath of air he blows; it becomes an all-out brawl it feels like to see who will come out on top. Two teams competing to achieve their goals. One kick of a ball that can change everything, one break away that can give you the confidence to do more. Sprinting up and down the field when your legs tell you to quit but your heart tells you that your stronger than that and can't give up. It's not only myself that will be let down, but my whole team if one of us gives up. Soccer wasn't just a game to me, it was my passion.

At one point in my life, I played soccer every day of the week and I never got tired of it at all. It wasn't until my freshmen and sophomore year of high school that I began to fall out of love with sport. I made a decision my junior year to not try out for the soccer. My dad was sad to see his little girl that he taught everything to give up after twelve years. I was happy at first to finally have some free time to my own, to discover new hobbies that would spark my interest. The realization after a few months though that I would never step back out on that field and that I was regrettably a quitter was the hardest part. My new hobby became ASB. ASB is the associative student body at my high school. Being known as a leader around campus sparked a whole new interest in going to a good college and pursuing my dreams no matter what. Not only did I get experience around campus, but helping others in the community.

Quitting soccer was not an ending to something good, but rather a start to something even better. Setting goals and ambitions for myself throughout the years has shaped the young, intelligent women I am starting to become.

" it feels like to see who will come out on top". does not make sense. revise.
Avoid using the second person POV.
"...out of love with the sport".
"...for the soccer". take that out.
"My dad was sad to see his little girl that he taught everything to give up after twelve years." I think if you take that out it would be clearer.

I rather liked the ending.

i am a beginner...i am write about my univ.of punjab admission...

It is a very big task for every one because every one run for admission.No one knows who are selected in this section ,every thing depend on pecentage.That day i am very excited and waiting for my friends,all friends make plan for university admissions.All friends are stand in the que and wait for own turn afterthat we are going to some celebration for admission in new university.it is very hot day and so many students are came to admission some stundent came for other state.i was saw many different kind of faces and i meet as well as ,very nice experience for me that day i knew that different state during my new friend.

Meanwhile, i will give you one example it is very strange,that day one girl waiting for own admission at same time some boys came and teas her and detroye some important papers and boys are ran away,girl cried very badly no one help her reason important paper but university member give second chance and collect them collete second copy of important papers.Furthermore,it is very bad for that girl authrity do some strick step for boys and some extra security for girl in admission time in university .

To summerize,university take some step for sequrity for girl protection and increase some staff members to help the student then can fill the form easily.

any one check my essay