I have just written U of Richmond supplement: Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you?
This is my essay:
"Speaking up my mind
New filters...adjustment layer...curves. Done! I just finished designing a poster for an event held by my volunteer group, whose mission is to help poor patients in various hospitals in the city.I submitted the poster online to the group leader, and he soon gave me a phone call, congratulating me on the work. He also told me in a nutshell about the new assignment: "It's going to be different from your previous projects."
The next day I received detailed descriptions about the new project in his email. The project was to raise funds for poor families in National Institute of Hematology and Blood transfusion, Hanoi, and my leader assigned me to design a poster to raise awareness and attract munificent sponsors. A lot of ideas popped up in my mind, and I thought I could do really well with the job. But the next few lines frightened me. The director of the hospital required the designer to show up and present his/her ideas to the board of managers.
Presenting? What did I just read? I had never imagined speaking up my ideas in front of a professional group of people. I was a quiet boy who always preferred to work on my own. When trying to present my thoughts to SOMEONE, I was shy. I trembled. I felt like losing my mind. Now that "someone" turned in to a group of hospital managers. Dear God, how could I do this?
I immediately composed an email to my leader, saying I couldn't accept this job. I came up with some elaborate reasons but left out the true one; I didn't have what it takes to give such a professional presentation. Somehow, I felt bad about letting him down, so I thought I could give him some suggestions about the poster. I opened the PDF description of the project and skimmed through it to get some ideas. Suddenly there was an evocative picture that caught my attention. It was a picture of young children who were struggling with fatal diseases, but instead of looking sad or miserable, they smiled wholeheartedly. Seeing their innocence shining through the picture, I suddenly wanted to do something to help them, to make a difference in their lives. And the only way to do it now was to create an impressive poster for the event.
I deleted my non-sense excuses in the email, and saying I would accept the job.
...
I looked around the room. Everyone was staring at me, waiting to hear my thoughts. The fear of embarrassment and rejection seized me more than ever. I struggled to speak in a trembling voice and thought everyone must be laughing inside. Contrary to my expectation, after a few minutes, everyone in the room was still paying attention to me. They seemed to be listening with great excitement. I continued to present with more confidence.
15 minutes passed by. I finished my presentation and got back to my seat. The board of managers consulted for a while and then approved my ideas for the poster. I couldn't believe that I actually succeeded, despite the unconfident and unprofessional way that I delivered my presentation.
It's been two years since the success of my first "big" presentation. Since then I have never turned down an opportunity to speak in public. The more I practice giving speeches, the more confident I become. That first successful presentation helped me to realize that my thoughts and ideas could only become useful when they were shared with other people. "
Can you give me some advice/suggestions?
I think this essay is very good. A few grammatical essays here and there, but apart from that, it's great.
The next day I received detailed descriptions about the new project via email.
The project was to raise funds for poor families in the National Institute of... You may want to rearrange that sentence a bit - it sounds like the families are living in the Institute.
I had never imagined that I would have to present my ideas in front of a professional group of people.
When trying to present my thoughts to someone - anyone at all, I felt shy. I trembled. I felt like I was losing my mind. Now, that "someone" turned in to a group of hospital managers. - I think it sounds better like that.
I deleted my nonsensical excuses in the email, and said I would accept the job. - I think non-existent would work better than nonsensical, though. A word that implied 'fake' or 'petty' would be even better.
...despite the unconfident and unprofessional way in which I delivered my presentation.
Yeah, that's all I could find, but I would go over it again if I were you, just to be sure.
