Hi everyone! A couple hours ago, I decided I hated my original common app essay. It didn't sound like me at all, and didn't show my personality or anything important about me. So I whipped up a new essay real quick! Please give honest criticism and feedback!
Topic of my choice:
I slouch. I hate to admit it, especially because my dad is always on my back about the health consequences, but it's not an easy habit to break. My frail shoulders are tempted to stoop forward, slightly hunching in and around my short neck. My shoulder bones jut out of my back, creating sharp, curved edges which I imagine aren't very comfortable to hug. And worst of all, my vertebral column curves forward, creating the illusion that I'm much shorter than five foot four.
I don't remember exactly when I started to slouch, but I do remember why: I was afraid of the outside world. My parents and teachers, my life coaches, warned me of the bullies and doubters I would have to fight. Not one to look for trouble though, I didn't want to face them. I wanted to avoid them at all costs.
Scared out of my wits, I began to search for a barrier to separate me from this antagonistic world. Naturally, I found a blockade that would protect me 24/7: my body.
At first, I felt safe. Behind my crooked shoulders and domed back nobody could hurt me. However, my mom wasn't pleased about my new form of defense. She dreaded to see me slumped over, claiming I looked like "my old grandma". She vowed to find a way to help me stand up straight and overcome my fears.
So it came as no surprised to me that one August afternoon, my mother ordered me to stand against the kitchen wall.
"Shoulder blades all the way back! Head held high! Good."
With my back erect and elongated, I stood straight up against the wall, hoping to please the woman I loved. Soon enough though, I came to realize I was not only satisfying my mom, but also myself. For the first time in years, I took a fulfilling, deep breath. The smell of the baking salmon wafted into my nose, filling my lungs with fresh, but somewhat fishy smelling, air. With each passing inhalation, I could feel my confidence increasing; I could feel my height increasing. My eyes, wide open, hungrily took in the new view from above. My kitchen looked different from this perspective, and I smiled at how much brighter it all seemed from my actual height.
My shoulders and back were no longer there to shield me, but at that moment, I didn't feel afraid. Rather, I felt alive; I felt tall.
Ironically, slouching has made me taller. It has taught me to not cower in fear, but to stand up straight and face the obstacles ahead of me. Although I haven't completely straightened up my bad habit, I find myself growing in height day by day. And whenever I find myself beginning to lean over, I don't let the weight crush my shoulders. Instead, I put on my "can do" attitude, raise my shoulders, hold my head up high, and stand tall.
Thanks for reading! Please give me advice!
I thought it was pretty good for something you whipped up pretty quick. just go over it a few times because the part about you standing against the wall is slightly awkward to me.
also, I have a suggestion:
With my back erect and elongated, I stood straight up against the wall, hoping to please the woman I loved. Soon enough though, I came to realize I was not only satisfying my mom, but also myself. For the first time in years, I took a fulfilling, deep breath. The smell of the baking salmon wafted into my nose, filling my lungs with fresh, but somewhat fishy smelling, air. With each passing inhalation, I could feel my confidence increasing; I could feel my height increasing. With eyes wide open, I hungrily took in the new view from above. My kitchen looked different from this perspective, and I smiled at how much brighter it all seemed from my actual height.
and don't use contractions in the real thing :)
you really went into depth about an obstacle that isn't very typical among most people, and how hard it was for you to overcome it, and how rewarding it was in the end. I thought it was really unique! please check out mine? thank you!
