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Short activity essay..I will return the favor..



AnxhelaThreads: 11
Posts: 45
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Dec 30, 2011, 12:37pm   #1
Here is my activity essay..Does it give a good impression??

Eleven years ago I did not know I was starting an activity which would have been my life companion. Volleyball means a lot to me. It is not simply a pastime, but it requires energy, enthusiasm and teamwork that free my mind once I enter the gym. Serving, running, passing and smashing could be the simplest actions but they need concentration, intuition and determination; all characteristics that make me transfer to another world, where there is nothing beside the ball, the field and my team. Questions, discussions, plans are out of my mind and are not able to enter it. They start appearing to me only once finished the training, once in the car. I disengage my handbrake, start the car and once I speed up I am back to the real world.
SeniorMelThreads: 7
Posts: 69
Author: Nia McGill
   
Dec 30, 2011, 12:43pm   #2
Anxhela:
Eleven years ago , I did not know I was starting an activity which would turn into a have been my life companion. Volleyball means a lot to me you should reword this sentence. It simply is not simply a pastime, but it requires energy, enthusiasm and teamwork that frees my mind once I enter the gym reword this sentence also. It is confusing. Serving, running, passing and smashing spiking could be the simplest actions but they need concentration, intuition and determination; all characteristics that make me transfer to another world, where there is nothing beside the ball, the field and my team. Questions, discussions, plans are out of my mind and are not able to enter it. They start appearing to me only once finished the training, once in the car. I disengage my handbrake, start the car and once I speed up I am back to the real world.


The last two sentences need to be reworded; they don't make sense at all. There are some grammar issues also that creates confusion. Focus on a specific experience from volleyball that has changed your characteristics or approach.
matthewmuliadiThreads: 1
Posts: 17
Author: Matthew Muliadi
   
Dec 30, 2011, 12:49pm   #3
Other than the suggestions that SeniorMel gave, if you plan on using the symbol of a car and handbrake, I think you should introduce this idea earlier on the essay so that the reader will be able to create a before and after sort of thing. A clearer comparison. Try to make things clearer and maybe focus on something more specific rather than the whole picture so you have breadth and depth. Just my two cents :)


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