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"shocked as I list Stanford" - intellectual freedom make it a good place for me.


brookelanae 7 / 15  
Dec 29, 2010   #1
I changed the name of my town. This is a 250 word-max essay that is now at 272 words, any advice on how to cut it down a bit? Is this essay too vague, how can I put more of myself into it if it is?

The single most-asked question I have encountered since beginning my final year of high school is undoubtedly: "So, where are you going to college?" Many of my peers appear shocked as I list Stanford as one of my choices. Nonetheless, this is the reaction I desire. I hope my aspirations will force others to realize that the path commonly trodden is not the only option.

Small town, State is the town that, for the majority of my life, I have called home. We proudly boast to be "America's Hometown;" however, ten years here has allowed me to form other opinions, and perhaps the foremost of these is that this is a town filled with apathy. I am one of the few students who stand out as "overachievers," because I strive to put my best effort into all that I do and go beyond what is required while most others simply do enough to get by. One example of this is that I am the first person to graduate a full year early at Small town High School.

Aside from ranking as one of the top universities in the nation for psychology, I chose to apply to Stanford because they promise a unique sort of intellectual freedom. Their view book states that their mission is "to overcome our time's seemingly intractable challenges through open and fearless inquiry and action." I want to find encouragement in my curiosity of the world around me; I yearn for an environment of intellectual equals where my quirky perspectives of seemingly common things will be embraced, and I believe Stanford is the place where I could best pursue these things.
abatado /  
Dec 29, 2010   #2
The single most-asked question I have encountered since beginning my final year of high school is undoubtedly: "So, where are you going to college?" Many of my peers were shocked as I listed Stanford as one of my choices. Nonetheless, this was the reaction I desired . I hope my aspirations would force others to realize that the path commonly trodden is not the only option.

There you go. I think you should take out the last sentence of this paragraph... btw I noticed some pronoun errors in the essay... I cant help you out any further because I dont know what the prop is... good luck and edit my essay for me if you get the chance.
OP brookelanae 7 / 15  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Thanks, I always find things like that hard to catch when I read it over myself. The prompt is simply "Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you."
abatado /  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
If I were you, I would replace the second paragraph with something like, "I have always been an overachiever... [write about your past achievements]... I think Stanford is the place for me to challenge myself... [why is this?]" I think this would make a solid essay. keep working on it and again, PLEASE READ MY ESSAY T_T
Aleage12 3 / 27  
Dec 29, 2010   #5
I am one of the few students who stands out as an "overachievers "

I really like your essay. Strong ending ( and congrats on an early grad)


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