Hello, can you tell me what you think about my essay for the University of Florda? The topic is "In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service."
"Excuse me! I need to pass through this hallway," a nurse yelled to me as I stood puzzled and astonished at the business of the hospital on my first day of volunteering. Maneuvering around nurses, patients and machines of all sorts, I made my way to the nurses station to report for my first day as a volunteer. "Hey! You must be our new candy striper," yelled the nurse at the desk, "lets get you all settled in, don't worry life is pretty easy up here you'll get the hang of things in no time." However, the nurses encouragement proved to be false as I began my invaluable experience at the hospital.
A week went by and things at the hospital were still obscure to me. It was my fourth day as a volunteer; I had turned a corner at the end of the hall and I found myself frantically shouting "Help, help! Nurse someone fell down over here!" My heart racing at a pace I had never felt before, I recalled lessons from my high school health class and hesitantly placed my finger on her neck for a pulse and my ear near her mouth to check for breathing. As nurses hastily ran over to assist, I announced that she had a slow pulse and was breathing at a normal rate. "It might be her blood pressure, get a BP cart over there," another nurse exclaimed. As I stood back in overwhelming shock, the theory the nurse yelled aroused another medical technique I learned in the past. Forcing my way back into the circle around the patient I told the nurses, "We need to get both of her feet above the level of her head to get the blood to flow to her brain." One of the nurses around the patient recalled hearing something about that before and agreed to try my technique. As we stood there holding the patients feet in the air, the very few minutes that passed by felt as if we were standing there for hours. "What happen? Where am I?" said the disoriented patient, who finally and to my relief was back to a full conscious state.
After this shocking event, nurses congratulated and commended me on my promptness in the situation. As time went by, a new level of self-confidence in the hospital was over me. No longer did I hesitate to assist nurses and patients around the hospital, but now I felt the responsibility of being attentive to my surrounding. Experiencing this incident reminds me each and every day of the importance of knowledge that you learn, whether at school or just from a book. This event will contribute my experience at University of Florida as I will take no life experience, knowledge or activity for granted. I hope to teach others in my surroundings, whether at University of Florida or elsewhere, of my respect for knowledge, and hope that they might also see the value of education.
"However, the nurses encouragement proved to be false as I began my invaluable experience at the hospital."
I'm reading along, so far so good, and come across this sentence. Don't preface your writing with daft, insincere remarks. You could get away with this ("invaluable experience"), just being written off as unoriginal.
However, you will be caught and punished as the rhetoric shifts dramatically within the course of a single sentence to suggest embellishment as one of your strong attributes.
"A week went by and things at the hospital were still obscure to me."
Note the irony; "things" is an obscure word.
"Forcing my way back into the circle around the patient I told the nurses, "We need to get both of her feet above the level of her head to get the blood to flow to her brain."'
The matter of fact tone used throughout your second paragraph generates additional skepticism about the actual version of events. You're reacting in a dynamic situation in just the right way, commenting on vital signs, lastly advising nurses on what should be done to restore the patient to consciousness?
'"What happen? Where am I?" said the disoriented patient, who finally and to my relief was back to a full conscious state."
"finally" is a comment on the chronology; it does not require the word "and" which follows it.
"After this shocking event, nurses congratulated and commended me on my promptness in the situation. As time went by, a new level of self-confidence in the hospital was over me."
The event can be described in far better ways, if it actually occurred...
The nurses would commend you on your precise, correct actions and recommendations, in addition to your "promptness." Figure out what you mean in the second sentence; I'm hesitant to suggest anything because this could go any way as most distorted accounts are inherently unpredictable.
"Experiencing this incident reminds me each and every day of the importance of knowledge that you learn, whether at school or just from a book. This event will contribute my experience at University of Florida as I will take no life experience, knowledge or activity for granted. I hope to teach others in my surroundings, whether at University of Florida or elsewhere, of my respect for knowledge, and hope that they might also see the value of education."
The close is farcically shallow with respect to the events that allegedly occurred. Not a shred of meaningful content can be salvaged from it.
You should develop your last paragraph more because most of your essay is just a story.
Thanks for your imput.
As far as the story goes, the event really did happen, but like you said I did embellish a little bit.
The topic of this essay is soo hard for me to write about so I needed to make it sound like it really influenced my life.
I probably won't submit this since its obvious that I embellished a few points. I guess I will post the version with the unembellished facts and see what people think.
Thanks again.
I'm getting help for my UF essay too, and mine started originally with a quote like yours. However, my CAP advisor in school told me to never start or end these types of essays with a quote. Just to let you know :)
