Hello! This is my essay for the Princeton supplement. I tried to demonstrate a much more pensive and serious aspect of myself, since my personal statement is much more light-hearted in comparison.
Any critique/edit/comment is greatly appreciated! Thank you!
Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way. 500 words
Self-Centered People
"People think you are self-centered" - these are some of the kindest, most well meaning words someone has ever told me, and they came from my best friend of six years ago. I had mistakenly believed that I was well liked, and my dear friend bluntly pushed me to realize that I did not know how to appreciate my friends; I wanted attention, but would not reciprocate affection. Her words have prompted my slow journey for self-improvement so that I have become more considerate of others, and perhaps, more deserving of friendship.
It is difficult. If expressing empathy were a race, I would be the sloth with stunted legs and a grotesque outgrowth of mossy bacteria weighing me down. I was not born with the ability to genuinely care for and love others, and perhaps no one is. Darwin might say that humans are intrinsically selfish in a survival of the fittest mentality, and therefore no one is inherently altruistic. Then, selflessness would be an acquired trait.
Yet, I am filled with a desire to succeed socially in society, where compassion is one of the greatest human virtues. That social Darwinism has lost its luster indicates that most others do too. Thus another, greater factor must be considered: happiness, which is found most in relationships with others. To fulfill my human, self-interested desire in finding happiness in friendship and love, I strive to become more sympathetic and caring. Altruism is based in selfishness; yet, it is a form of selfishness that is good for everyone.
If I had continued in my purely self-centered and egocentric personality, I would have headed towards a lifeless and colorless world. So, I am indebted to my honest friend for drawing me away from a path of loneliness. How to listen to someone's troubles, brighten someone's downcast day, or comfort someone's pain - I have had to learn how to be a friend, just as a toddler learns that "A" is for apple, or as a student learns that "A" is for adultery. What began as a self-serving venture to satisfy my own happiness, however, has turned into a genuine care for friends and family. My friends, whom I once burdened with incessant troubles, I now try to support and listen to in sincerity. My mother, upon whom I blamed my unhappiness, I now try to enliven with companionship in hopes that her melancholy will fade. My truthful friend has spurred me, with her frankness, to pursue a worthy goal: to always strive to be a better person."most well meaningful"- I would change to meaningful
It sounds sort of like a complaint more than insightfulness about yourself especially "blaming" your mother. I could be wrong, but you are trying to show that your friend's comment "miraculously" changed you?
Ah, not quite. I was trying to show how my friend's comment led me realize my self-centeredess, and how I have, from that, gradually developed a desire to be more compassionate in my pursuit of happiness.
In light of your comments, I'll definitely work on making clearer what I am trying to convey.
However, would you please elaborate on what you thought sounded like a complaint/in what way certain parts seemed like a complaint?
Thank you so much! I greatly appreciate the critique.
I would try some concrete examples of how you are changing instead of using ideas of others such as Darwin. It shows that you're intelligent, but I don't see how that encompasses you as a person. My comment about your essay being a complaint is that if your friend did not say anything would you automatically live your life the same way? Either way you should be the one in charge of that change not someone else, but you are using it to introduce the subject matter, correct? Perhaps you could discuss how your mom is a positive influence in your life or how you are motivated to not follow her path.
You answer the question in a creative way, making yourself stand out which is excellent. When you speak about Darwin, possibly add quotes considering it is his words. Many students are going to have complex essays about people who have influenced them that are probably going to be heavy, yet you chose something light but really showed how it influenced your life, instead of telling. Well done, and I think the second essay you posted is better than the first one.
Not to offend but your "...a monotonous leech, using peers and a mystified college student to unleash my personal melancholy. Conversation centered upon me, and I generously bestowed sixty second intervals to friends during which I maintained the semblance of an empathetic, listening soul." sentence makes you look more like a psycopath who fakes his/her emotions in order to fit in.
I might be wrong, but it seems to me that you are focusing more on combining beatiful words than in trying to express your inner self. You are more like describing events related to a personal trait than showing how your way of seeing the world around you have really changed because of your friend. I think you say very little about why she influenced you in a meaningful way that really contributed to shape your life and why she was so important in doing so. It's more like a random comment of hers, after having angered you, made you aware of a trait that you try to force to but cannot change, so you are even willing to find a self-centered reason (succeed in society, be happy) to find your pursuing of selflessness as deserving.
*Sorry for my mistakes. English is not my first language.
