Standing in the center of the dojang(the place to practice taekwondo)try and not use parenthesis. it's sloppy and it sends to the adcoms two messages: you either, don't care enough to put in the effort to make it smoother, or you just don't write well. and dressing in my all white dobok(the uniform) and colored dhee(the belt), I am now a Taekwondoer.
The first time I went into this dojang, our instructor Mr. Zhan bowed to us and asked us to look around and remember those taekwondo spirits written on the wall. I didn't take it seriously, because I thought I was
here just for some exercises[/s]just here to exercise. However,Personally I like to tell people to KISS it. transitions like however, leave that for your IB Lit internal assessments. Think of it like a features article for a newspaper practicing taekwondo was much more than I thought it would be. During those days of January while people needed to sparkle salt on the road to prevent traffic accidentway too lengthy. once again, KeepItSimpleStupid KISS, Zhan warned us not to wear anything else but our doboks, and shouted "Don't stop" hundreds of times after getting usyou're walking the line of informal and simple, but this one is your call, I see how it can go either way run about 3 kilometers, when we were
miserablyredundant. if you're cold and tired, youre miserable. conserve your word count, even for Commonapp, the recommended is not over 800 words tired and cold. However, I thought that was exercising and it could be beneficial. People always say the end of somethingdefinitely do not use the word Something. That just shouts "incapable of communicating effectively" is the beginning of another.
Tugging our numb legs and frozen feet, we really began our taekwondo training.Don't use passive voice. Again, it's just sloppy writing. It works for formal papers [research papers or such] but KISS it! It's supposed to be an easy read! why are you using research papery talk? Despite the afterward sore musclesREWORD, the punching and kicking moves are nothingyou used this wrong. this means: I don't care about kicking and punching. That leads to "I don't care about taekwondo for us. But the stretching, lengthening ligaments, was much more challenging. Scream and cry haunted in our dojang everyday, and Zhan kept pushing our legs closer and closer to our faces.
Most students never showed up again after finishing a season's training and left their dhees white foreverI LOVE this! Great image, great idea, I think it's powerful. I would really like to see you do this type of powerful idea for a statement about yourself and what you're going to do in college and after college.. But I stayed, because I wanted to take the rank test.anticlimactic. It's the equivalent of saying: I don't care about the community service club, I just wanted the hours so my college app looks cool While the dojang was silent and everything staying in that room was stiffly lonely, the squabby punching bag tastedoverkill. it doesn't have a good effect this time. just stick with tested if you want to keep this sentence. I'd still rather see you take out a lot of this "fluffy" stuff. my fists and splits, and the foamed plastic flooring almost had my foot prints on its face. I could see through the windows that the sky outside the dojang was withered and pale, but I was lively and fiery inside, like a flame.I would like you to keep this. It would be even better if you can add in an effect that you were tired by then. maybe something like im thinking the words "calloused" or "weathered" or something like that. Like so it shows experience, skill, discipline and a sense of resilience
I screamed out loud when stretching, and laughed out loud every time I made some progress.definitely take this out. just. too. blaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. hemorrhage.
The test date came. On the center of the large flooring stood only the examiner and IEW! really?! that kind of wording works for a Suessical but a personal statement? no.. Two meters away from him, hardly could I do any moves wrongsimplicity. simplicity. simplicity. just "make a mistake" this isn't that serious a case with this one, probably actually okay, just watch out when little "okay" phrases pile up into BLAGHHHHHHHHHHHH. without being noticed. Silence overflowed, and the solemnity cut everything like a sharp blade. My epinephrineyou SO used a thesaurus for that rushed and nervousness arose. It seemed the only thing existed in this room was my heart beat. I pushed reallyjust like the word SOMETHING, get rid of REALLY as an adverb. It has SO many better substitutes. hard,
probablyuse very POSITIVE language. not probably this, a smidgen of that, a pinch of sugar. no. just I did this, I added this, I ______ this beyond my capability, when I showed the stretching moves in front of the examiner. Finally his smile told me that I passed. My muscle was trembling and the pain inflated, but I kept at the position of stretching, and let the hurting be. Suddenly I found that I was addicted to this pain, this lasting but satiating and refreshing pain, which reminded me of all the solid effort of mine, all the exertion of Mr. Zhan's and all the hours that the bag was punched and the flooring was trampled. After a while, I stood up, bowed to the examiner and bowed to Mr. Zhan, gladly.
I do not only practice taekwondo while I am free, but onlynot only but ALSO while I am practicing taekwondo, I am freed. I can explore and meditate. I found that I can be in high spirits even if every thingone word: everything around me istense.... gray; I found that I can get happiness even if I endure great pain; I also found that I can keep taekwondo spirits in heart even if doing it was not my original aim.
Standing in the center of the dojang and dressing in my all white dobok and colored dhee, I read those taekwondo spirits written on the wall sonorously: Courtesy. Integrity. Perseverance. Self-control. Indomitable spirit.more on this. WAY more.
Okay, look. You have part of the idea down: tell a cool story. it's interesting enough if tweaked the right way. I would suggest you find the editors of your newspaper [ask for features editor] to help you tweak this so it is even more of a cool cool story. This is features writing, a personal statement is a features article. Enough about me and newspaper and blagh blagh blagh. Okay, so my advice: Take out a LOT a LOT a LOT of your fluffy junk. You have a WHOLE lot of repeated or overly flowery descriptions. Take out one of the experiences like the training or test, and focus on one of them, or take out a bunch of the fluffy stuff on each one. What you need to do is use that extra word count that you just took out, and make it work. You tell a story, a fun one, but you COMPLETELY missed the most important part. EVALUATE. from this, who are you? Evaluate. The last sentence is what you need expand on so that it sounds more like that: your personality, your traits. What are you bringing to the school? You have these traits, great, what do you want to do with them? What do you want to do in college and after? How are the skills you mentioned going to get you there? Best of luck to (wherever you're applying.) Would you mind sharing? I'm curious :)