Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
A turbulent thump caused me to abandon my homework and run to the family room where I found a three year old beaming and laughing hysterically to an episode of Tom and Jerry. Relieved, I went back to my room and continued to struggle with my homework to be distracted yet again; after about five minutes, I heard a knock on my door, "Can I come in?" questioned my brother, "Sure, come on in," I replied inattentively. He came into the room with a heap of activity books, placed them next to my mountain of textbooks, pulled a chair next to me and began to labor vigorously-it was then that I realized my work began to pay off.
For most of my childhood, I was an only child-breezy, foolish and sometimes a bit lonesome. When my parents informed me that I would be an older brother, I was ecstatic but terribly apprehensive-the thought of being idolized by someone petrified me; thoughts began to race through my head, "Why would my brother want to be like me?", "How can I make sure that he doesn't pick up any of my bad habits?" My concern eventually led me to confront my parents, who told me "sooner or later it will all work out." Slowly, I was introduced to the role of "big brother". When I saw my young sibling for the first time, I began to realize how large of a part I was to play in his life, and how each of my actions would affect him.
The responsibilities of a role model can be quite demanding; being the first American-born child in a Pakistani family, I am expected to be the epitome. I excel in most situations, most notably how I manage two divergent cultures-I live by a double standard- I am impelled to recognize American values and implement them constructively, as well as embrace Pakistani customs and savor them. My parents see how I have skillfully adopted knowledge about both cultures and they encourage my brother to learn from my experiences. As my brother grows older, he continues to emulate my actions more and more-from cheering eagerly when his favorite basketball team wins, to taking part in intellectual discussions in Urdu,
The word turbulent doesn't seem to fit the word 'thump', as it implies something that is ongoing, like a storm, a bad relationship, etc.
A loud thump caused me to abandon my homework ...
it was then that I realized my work had begun to pay off.
My concern eventually led me to confront my parents, who assured me that sooner or later it would all work out.
I began to realize how large of a part I was to play in his life,...
I am expected to be the epitome.The epitome of what? maybe perfection?
I agree! A resounding thump? A startling thump? Maybe it is the word thump that sounds bad. But turbulance does not fit here. Startled by the sickening sound of something hitting the floor in the next room, I abandoned...
Relieved to know that no injury had been incur red, I went back...
thanks! other than the ones mentioned, are there any other problems ?(and by the way, I still have to revise the last paragraph and also add a concluding paragraph)
I see that Susan got the errors... but little things could be improved, like... no comma is necessary here:
"Why would my brother want to be like me?", It would be necessary if there was not question mark.
Also, "double-standard" is usually used to refer to unfairly judging others!
